The Morning After

Good morning everyone.  Today is a definitely better, though expecting my period at any moment does tend to take the a little of the bloom off the rose.  My temp finally starting going down, so now I'm just wasting pads, waiting for the fun to start. 

Last night, I had one of those truly low infertile moments.  One of those fits of crying where you feel the bile of all the anger, frustration, pain, loss and hatred at the world come rumbling up from your insides and you just wish you could somehow purge it all from body but instead you cry just enough to settle it all back down for a short sleep - till the next time when it will have grown and festered even more.  It was awful, and scary, but I think it is over for now. 
I'll pass this period of PMS, regain my composure, continue my Zen activities (yoga, acupuncture, meditation, exercise) and just keep going.

As a side note, there is a grim job to be done soon.  My friend, the one who I've often mentioned because after getting pregnant after just having her husband look at her for a particularly long moment, then went on to complain about being pregnant for the next 16 weeks.  She finally seems to be past that stage, and is happy and content to be becoming a mother, and now she is coming home to us and throwing a party next week.  There will be many mothers at this party, many babies, one pregnant lady at least, and a lot of discussion on pregnancy, birth, baby showers and parenting.  Just thinking about it now, I feel like I might throw up.  It is hard to believe there was a time I could just relax and hang out with these ladies...I want that back.

Okay, on to the details from yesterday (sorry I know this is already becoming a book):

I arrived at the appointment ridiculously early, but there was plenty of paperwork to keep me busy.  I was a bit annoyed to see the walls and tables covered in Parenting, Pregnancy and Baby magazines (I mean, isn't this an office for couples who can't get pregnant? WTF?), but I decided just to focus on my paperwork and not throwing up from nerves. 

Nurse D came to get me, took my vitals (hello blood pressure - I normally have pretty low blood pressure and I was shocked to see my nerves had driven it up all the way to a normal number 114/65)!  She took me in to the ultrasound room, where I watched her put a condom on the probe (I've usually seen them use some kind of disposable medical cover and I embarrassed myself by giggling at the application of the condom). 
Nurse T then came in to do my ultrasound.  This was the wonderful nurse I had spoken to on the phone, and I liked her just as much in person.  She was incredibly gentle though she did have to hurt me a little to get to my left ovary (apparently my ovary had repositioned itself above my uterus and she had to coax it back down - I didn't know they could do that and was a little freaked out by it). 

Nurse T: "Did anyone ever mention to you that you have a couple of fibroids in your uterus?"
Me: "Um...No" (momentary terror)
Nurse T: "Oh, don't worry, I don't think it will be a big issue.  They are not in a place we usually are too concerned about when it comes to fertility, I just thought you might like to know.  Here let me show you them on the screen."
Me: "Um, okay" (inner sadness at one more thing to worry about and anger that no one had ever told me before)

After a little clean up, I was upright, dressed and sitting across from Dr. Fox in his comfortable, naturally lit office.   Imagine a kind of Anderson Cooper looking guy (with a stronger chin) in scrubs - silver hair, handsome, smile dimples - flanked by two school photos of smiling teenagers (his own I'm guessing).  He started out by asking me my interpretation of everything that had been happening so far.  We then went over what he could see in my medical records and ultrasound, and what we might want to try for the best chance at conceiving a healthy baby. 
We talked quite a bit about my lining and agreed that with my move coming up in July, it probably doesn't make sense to attempt a Femara/IUI cycle (Clomid is definitely out).  Apparently a thin lining like this is really not common, and he was a little skeptical to call it definite problem without seeing the width of it at peak time during a normal cycle for a few cycles in row, but all the same things just don't look promising for a Clomid or Femara cycle. 

Other options: Injectibles with sex or IUI, IVF with one embryo transferred or IVF with 2 embyos transferred.  DH and I have talked about it a lot and we have almost ruled out and injectible cycle with IUI/sex.  The risk of triplets or more is low but still there (about 10% with my antral follicle count), and we both know that I would never be able to accept terminating my pregnancy if we became pregnant with that many babies but we also don't think it would be a healthy decision of us or the babies to try to have all those babies.  Basically, it would be an impossible situation, and we just don't want to open it up as a possibility.

We are starting to think about financing options for IVF, and how to order prescription drugs online (anyone know some reputable ones?).  We are also hoping, based on what the doc said, that we would have lots and lots of healthy eggs from one cycle, and be able to freeze a bunch of embryos for FETs if the first cycle doesn't work.  My blood tests all look good, and with my age (29) and high antral follicle count, this is a definite possibility that could save us lots of money by not having to do fresh eggs each cycle.  Obviously there is no guarantee of this, but it is a little ray of hope to think my eggs might still be young and lovely, just stymied by my mischievous and sometimes evil ovaries. 

Anyway, I hope I didn't bore you all with all those details.  Oh, crap, I need to get to work!