Thursday, October 20, 2011

Re-learning to trust

Today, while commenting on a fellow blogger's post about her recent BFP.  I realized something about my own fears, and probably the fears of many infertiles, when first getting that BFP after struggling with infertility for so long.  I think part of what makes our worries so strong, isn't just the terrible, gnawing fear of losing what we've worked towards for so long, but is also the lack of trust we have in our own bodies to do that which they were designed to do.

Infertility, for so many women, represents a failure of our bodies to be able to do something that it seems should be as natural as breathing in and out.  We begin to hate ourselves, doubt our femininity, and hate what we think of as our "broken" bodies, as month after month our hopes at conceiving are not just dashed, but stomped into the dust in a painful, bloody show.  We watch, helpless, as our bodies bleed out yet another month of beautiful dreams of a baby already so real that we can feel the curl of their little hand wrapped around our fingers.  It's a betrayal, a deception!  Our bodies look normal, but inside something is wrong, and we can't help but feel we have failed as a woman, a wife, a girlfriend, etc.

Furthermore, many of us have not only experienced first hand the pain of repeated chemical, ectopic, or blighted ovum pregnancies, miscarriages, cervical issues, preterm labor, and other losses, but we have watcher our sisters in the IF community going through them as well.  So really is it any wonder we find it near impossible to trust our bodies to do what they are supposed to do, once we do find ourselves clutching that positive pee stick?

After holding my own positive pregnancy test, watching to see if the tests would grow darker before even thinking to hope, crying in panicked relief over each successive beta test and then each ultrasound, I quickly realized I had completely lost faith in my body, and I was expecting the worst at every moment.  Doctors, midwives, family, books, all told me the safest place for my little one was and would always be, tucked away in my perfectly designed by nature womb, but it took daily affirmations, the baby reaching viability, and a lot of visits to the OB and midwife, to really begin to believe them.

There will always be fear, I know -- after all, I'm almost 30 now and my own mother and grandmother have never stopped worrying about me -- but at 32 weeks I prefer feeling confident that my body knows what it is doing.  Something could always go wrong, but I prefer to have faith in my womb, in my cervix, and in myself.  I prefer to believe, that regardless of what it took to get here, nature made me perfectly to carry this little one to term and deliver her safely into the world. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is, there is hope for us all, and we can learn to trust our bodies again but it is a long road for any IFer staring down at two pink lines.  In the meanwhile, don't let anyone tell you that you are worrying for nothing, that your fears are silly, or that you should just relax and celebrate.  Take your own time finding your peace with your body and your pregnancy, and enjoy what you can until you are able to enjoy more fully. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A differet kind of moment

I have to write this message for a special blog friend, Miss Conception, who I found out lost her sweet baby boy and girl today at 20 weeks gestation.  I have already cried my eyes out in shock and devastation over this news.  I don't understand it, I can't understand it.  I can only mourn for her and and for those two angels whose journey I have felt so very much a part of, and whose birth I was so looking forward to celebrating. 

MC, we've gone through so much of this journey together, yet today I feel I can offer you no comfort as I simply can't know your pain.  My heart is aching for you, and I just wish with every fiber of my being that I could somehow give you back your little ones.  In truth, I never knew how connected I have felt to you through this blog, till I found myself hysterical crying over your words.  I am so sorry A, I truly am. 

31 Weeks & New Beginnings

I am truly amazed to be 31 weeks and two days pregnant as of today.  My little girl will be here so soon, and in the meantime I am just enjoying the realization that I am happy.  I don't know why I've been so afraid of that word, "happy" if putting that word out there in the world could cause everything to crash down around me.

I want to let go of this fear, I need to.  It isn't fair to myself or my baby to be always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".  Why do it?  Is it so that when something painful happens you can stand on the side and say, "I knew this would happen, it was only a matter of time"?  The craziest part of that is that you aren't actually protecting yourself from potential future pain, but you are missing out on enjoying the present moment...and I intend to continue experiencing every single moment of this pregnancy and this life.

Things are definitely getting tighter in my tummy, sleep is becoming more elusive, and back-pain and heartburn are now my constant companions, but it is all part of the is wondrous thing that is happening in body and I love that.  Every day brings me closer to meeting my daughter - MY DAUGHTER - and that is still so surreal and special and miraculous that I get teary just thinking about it. 

To my baby girl - I love you more than you can possibly imagine.  You are the greatest gift, and there are simply are not enough words, in English or any known language, to express the joy in my heart or the strength of my love for you.  Thank you for coming to us, for being a part of our lives, and for restoring a part of me that I thought was gone forever.

Last week's bump photo: