Saturday, June 18, 2011

Pre-holiday Update

How far along? 14 Weeks, 4 Days

How is Mommy Feeling? 
- Home sick with a bad cold, and very doubtful that it will be gone by the time we leave for Europe tomorrow evening.

How is Daddy Feeling? 
- "Very good...excited"  A man of few words my husband.  

Total weight gain? 
- about 9 lbs from the start of the IVF cycle (7 lbs from the BFP).  Seems like a lot, but my doc seems to think it is fine.

- Boobies have been a little more sore.
- Constantly hungry.  I seem to get terribly hungry right before bed time and during the night (making teeth brushing a several times a night experience).
- Round ligament pain...not fun.

The Belly? 
- There is a bump, but it is still mostly fat.  My belly stick out so far now that people keep rubbing it, but I know the baby belly is still under all that blub, so it is kinda embarrassing.

- Nights are a little better in general, though with this cough I'm still up continually.  The worst is waking up hungry, since I can never fall back to sleep until eating a snack and re-brushing.

What I miss? 
- Exercise, still not getting very much.
- My legs, I swear they have ballooned into flabby tree trunks.
- My skin, still covered in terrible pregnancy acne on my face, chest, arms and back

What I'm looking forward to?
- Feeling the baby move, hopefully soon. 
- Finding out the sex...I think it's a boy.  With the 5 day transfer I have a much higher chance of having a boy, plus I just have this feeling.  I guess we'll find out soon.

Overall, doing well, just worried about traveling with this rotten cold.  I'll be back in 2 weeks, and hoping to read lots of good news from the blogosphere when I return. Also hoping to return with a true pregnancy belly. :)

Monday, June 13, 2011

My first real scare

Less than a week ago, I felt an odd pain in my lower abdomen - to the left side of my uterus.  There have been many odd pains and twinges all through this pregnancy, but this one jolted me like a lightning bolt.  I had been in the pool, and immediately got out of the water, headed upstairs and called the doc's office.  The nurse was very kind, saying that it was probably nothing but since I had worked so hard to get that baby in there, why don't we come in get some reassurance from a doctor.
After a quick visit and ultrasound (surprise opportunity to see the little bub dancing around inside me), I was assured that everything was okay, and sent for a more detailed U/S a few days later.  Again, everything was declared just fine, and the pain had not really recurred in such strength so I began to relax and think it all a crazy over-reaction.

Then, just last night, the worst of the pain began - lightning bolts to that one spot coming in constant waves.  It built to pitch, catching me mid-speech and winding me completely.  The pain lasted about 10 minutes, sometimes decreasing enough for me to walk home with my hubby and express what was happening, and other times building up so strong that all I could was grab his arm and breath.

We made it home, I got into bed, and slowly the pain disappeared.  There was no blood.  I said a quick prayer of relief and gratefulness to my little one for staying with me.  I called the on-call doc and was told to take Tylenol and call back if the pain increased again or there was bleeding (not reassuring).  Then I grabbed hubby's hand and cried for a bit, while I took in what had just happened, and how frightened I really was.
For a moment I thought about what I would do if I actually had ____ (I can't even write the words), and I wanted to die.  Just the thought of it hurt too much to think about, and I quickly pushed it out my head.

This pregnancy has always seemed tenuous, miraculous and overly-precious.  I feel wrong and cruel thinking that somehow it is more so than the pregnancy of someone who isn't infertile and can just just get pregnant again, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming.
 I worry that my baby isn't as strong as theirs or as "natural"...that somehow all the fertility drugs and medicines will affect him/her in ways we don't even know about yet.  I worry he/she will also be infertile, and have to go through the same pain and disappointment when they are ready to start their own family.  
DH says I like to worry.  I think this is a silly comment.  No one likes to worry...I just can't help it.  This is my baby, my life, my heart.  I love him/her so much already, and all I care about is keeping him safe and happy, warm and loved.  Hmm...I think I'm beginning to understand my mother more.

After researching some forums (thank you Google), and talking to the doc, the consensus is that it is probably just good old round ligament pain (RLP).  I had no idea that RLP could be so intense, but I read many comments from women online who thought they were having contractions with RLP and were also completely doubled over from the pain.  I also saw my own description of "lightning bolts of pain," which made me feel even more sure that I was experiencing the same thing they had experienced.
I'm completely relieved, though not excited that this pain will probably recur throughout the pregnancy.  Ah well, at least now I will be prepared for it. 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Alive and well

Hey Everyone,

I am sorry for disappearing for so long, and for worrying people.  I've actually just been so incredibly stressed and busy that I haven't been able to get onto Blogger much except to occasionally check in on some of the ladies I know are in the midst of IVF cycling. 

I'm almost 13 weeks now, doing fine, and hoping that baby is doing fine since our last check up at 10 weeks.  I'm still ravenous, still growing fatter, and still kinda sleepy, so I'm taking those all as good signs that everything is okay. 

I wasn't able to have an ultrasound at 10 weeks, which was kinda disappointing.  My doctor used the doppler on me, and insisted we really don't need another ultrasound till 18-20 weeks.  I wanted to cry and beg, but I was too happy upon hearing the baby's healthy heartbeat to make much of a scene. 

It has been rough traveling, being barely at home, and dealing with all the pre-move stuff, but I know soon enough it will all be way or another.  We haven't found a place to live yet, even with the whirlwind Boston area apartment tour, and time is definitely running out.  I keep asking myself, why does the Boston rental market have to suck so much?  Why do you have to pay through your nose just to have a place with safe electrical wiring that allows cats and doesn't have lead paint in the walls?

I admit to actually begging DH to just sign the lease on this one great place that is way too expensive for us, but he is being annoyingly prudent/wise and resisting.  My nesting instincts are already in full gear, and not having a home is making me a bit crazy and literally paining me each time I look at this place I would truly love to live but we just can't afford with our combined school loan and credit card debt.

Self-Pity-Party Moment -- Everything is so much harder now that we have this huge hurdle of credit card debt left over from the fertility treatments.  I certainly DO NOT regret the money we spent, it just sucks that we have nothing left now to make the home I once dreamed of for our little one...infertility really is the gift that keeps on giving.