Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 6 BCP: Something has changed

I'm not sure what it is, but something is slowly changing within me.  I'm still nervous about the IVF cycle, and about my hysteroscopy this week, but I'm also feeling a little - dare I say it - excited...

I've been reading more, getting comfy with the idea of what is going to be happening to me and re-framing my perspective to allow my own medical curiosity to take over and just look at how cool all this stuff is that "they" are able to do.   I'm also determined to be calm and reasonably happy* (see below): I have been drinking chamomile tea (which I loathe), dosing myself with Rescue Remedy every 2 hours or so, working out regularly, and just generally being as nice to myself and to my hubby as I know how to be right now.  I've also watched about ten different videos on how to give both subcutaneous and intramuscular injections, so I guess, in short, I'm recovered from the shock, and ready to start shooting up my fertility meds. 
I'm ready to see lots of plump, happy follicles on that ultrasound and I can't wait to have a printed image of my own little 5 day blastocysts so I can show it to my husband and say, "look Love, that is you and me".   This is all of course extremely optimistic of me, but I'm hoping the whole positive thinking thing will push me right through to egg retrieval and beyond. 

Oh, and I am happy to say I made it through that mom/pregnancy party yesterday with reasonable ease; the one I've been dreading.  I started my day with booster - hanging out with one of my best friends (one who I don't see often, especially without husbands or her beautiful munchkin of a daughter in tow) - and worked myself up into a happy, playful mood.  I then arrived late to the party and left somewhat early (had made lovely post party plans with DH and some non-parent friends), and while there I actively avoided baby/pregnancy talk as much as possible - even starting side conversations on different topics just to get out of the line of fire.  It worked pretty beautifully, and I made it home reasonable unscathed. 

I was a little annoyed that my preggers friends STILL seems not to be exceedingly enthused about the prospect of having a baby at the end of all this.  Apparently, it is FINALLY starting to sink in, now that she is 18 weeks and feeling movement, that there is actually a baby in there and soon she will be a mom.  She is thrilled to no longer be vomiting, but now her complaints have moved on to shear terror of what is growing inside her distended belly.  The annoying part is - annoying merely because it reminds me that I'm being an overly harsh and not a very nice person, is that as much as she whines, she still rubs her belly with tenderness without really seeming to notice she's doing it and she shows increasing signs of intense protectiveness towards the little bean inside her.   I guess she will get there...I mean like it or not, a baby is definitely coming along and soon at that.

*In regard to being happy - I recently listened to this great podcast on happiness during infertility, where the guest, Dr. Alice Domar said something that really resonated with me.   In talking about one's level of happiness while fighting infertility, she said that though she doesn't expect her patients to say they are "happy" during this time she reminds them there are still small joys to be found in a day such as the taste of chocolate or a sudden warm day in the middle of winter (as we've just had here in the Midwest).  Basically, that though we might feel depressed, we can still feel joy in our daily lives by experiencing those things that give us pleasure and being mindful of those experiences.  I don't think I'm explaining this well at all, but hopefully you get the point.

So here's to mindfulness!

Oh, and here are some awesome sites and videos I have uncovered:

Lupron Demonstration

Follistim Pen Demo

Intramuscular Injection

Transvaginal aspiration of follicles (with sound)

My own doc's web page o' awesome amounts of information sometimes with video

Creating a Family Website and Podcast
Been listening to their radio show podcasts and they are great

Beautiful, short fertility yoga sequence compliments of Pulling Down the Moon:


  1. Yay! Excitement is a wonderful thing!

  2. Thanks for the video on egg retrieval. I've been through it twice and was still curious as to how exactly they suck it out, and now I know the ins and outs, LOL. I know it's hard to allow yourself to feel excitement when everything is new to you and therefore untested with you and you don't know fully what to expect. Heck, this is IVF #3 for us, and I was scared to let myself get excited. I'm thinking of you and checking on you, and praying that this cycle works out for you guys!!!

  3. I'm glad you got through the party ok. I like the idea of arriving late and leaving a little early. I'm definitely going to try to remember that for next time I have to deal with a shower.

    Good luck on this cycle!!!!

  4. Hey Kerrik, so glad you have been able to reach that happy place. Stay there, and stay happy. I love your attitude. I hope everything works out flawlessly. Praying for you and the surgery.

  5. The book that I just posted on my blog, "Full Catastrophe Living" is all about mindful living! The basis of the book is that we spend to much time regretting/reliving the past and worrying about the future, and we end our lives only half living it. You might want to check it out!

  6. YAY! I'm so glad that more positive thinking is coming your way :)

  7. Isn't it nice when excitement can just creep it's way in? Yay! :)

  8. It is exciting. Reading your post suddenly made me excited about meeting our blastocysts should we get that far.

    Now I'm going to check out some of those links.