Thursday, February 17, 2011

Debbie Downer learns to keep breathing

Things have moved so fast on this whole IVF thing, that my brain is really taking some time to recover from the whiplash.  I seem to caught in this cycle of, "I'm fine, really, everything's going to be fine" to...crap, no, panic attack, crying fit, "breath, just breath,"..."f*&k breathing.  I can't handle this, I'm falling apart, my husband must think he married a crazy woman," and on it goes.  

Today I received my anticipated call from our fertility meds pharmacy, charged everything to a credit card (luckily one with Hilton hotel points, so maybe we'll at least get that out of this if all else fails), and then tried to relax with an art project (my fertility therapist thinks it will help or something).  I did receive one nice bit of RE's office has an extra Lupron kit lying around that is going to expire, so they are donating it to us for our cycle.  Hooray, one less medicine to worry about paying for.

***Speaking of which, I have either a five day supply of 100mg Clomid or a 10 day supply of 50mg Clomid (it is dosed in 50mg tablets) in my medicine cabinet that was bought last month but we aren't going to use it.  Anyone want them?  The package isn't open or anything, and I would love for it to go to good use.  Let me know and I will mail it out to you.****

I know I need to find a Zen mental place, especially before starting the real meds (BCPs don't count), but I just can't seem to squelch the fluttery creatures in my stomach and chest or prevent all these extreme emotional outbursts.
I stayed home from work today to get some rest and try to relax.  It only half worked: I slept late, watched a nice movie, colored a pretty picture, freaked out and had a tantrum around lunchtime, showered and colored some more, got stuck with needles in the evening, felt a little better, and now I'm just sort of in a sleepy but still nervous and excitable state.  I really do think I'm losing it. Oh, and did I mention I didn't take any of my 30 daily pills and supplements except the BCP.  I just couldn't stomach swallowing them down, not today. 

I realized yesterday that I have been more depressed this past year, dealing with all this, than I have been ever before; I have been in some kind of therapy for depression on and off since childhood.  I stopped taking the anti-depressants I was on because a) I wanted to see is if I could, and b) I wanted my body to be "clean" of all that when I got pregnant.  I don't regret that decision, but I do wonder sometimes if this would be any easier at all if I were still on them.

This is a different kind of depression than before; it comes in waves, and there are times where for days I feel almost completely normal.  Then, usually as I get to the end of my cycle, the world collapses around me once more.  I sit in despair and mourning, till hope reignites something in me and I start counting the days again.

This is my life now, and I hate it.  I'm tired, I'm hurting, and I can't escape.  I can only hope, and through that keep breathing. 


  1. Sigh... I wish clomid worked for me.
    Sounds like this is becoming quite a rollarcoaster for you. I can totally relate to that.
    I was SO calm before my TWW, and then BAM the crazy started. I hate that any of us have to go through this.
    Hopefully we'll end up with our little miracles before we drive ourselves completely crazy ;)

  2. Oh my dear...
    I think most of us know how you feel. The roller coaster is really tough. It can feel dibilitating sometimes.
    Just keep your head above water and talk it out. Things will calm down in a little bit and you will feel sane again.
    And If you feel like all of this is happening too fast and you didn't have enough time to process this IVF thing, there is no reason you can't put it off just a little longer. It's your body. Do whatever you need to do.

    And I suppose I could use the Clomid. It would save me $40...

  3. You aren't alone in the depression. I've never been told I have it but there are days I really think I do so I understand. This TTC stuff is really hard! Hang in there, it will all work out. I have a good feeling!! Oh and I would LOVE the clomid!

  4. It's totally normal to be feeling a little overwhelmed! This is big stuff. Hang in there--sending you hugs.

  5. Oh, I know how you feel hun. I have battled with depression and anxiety most of my life. Throw in IF and treatments, and you got a whole mess of emotions. It's really hard. If you ever need to talk, please email me!

    Just keep breathing, doing your yoga (I'm so glad you like the DVD!), and try to do things that keep your mind in a better place. I stocked up on books and things to keep me busy during my cycle.

  6. Hey there! I'm interested in the Clomid (I only do 3 days on 25mg- I hyper-stimulate easily), as I type through tears that we're gearing up for a new cycle. Blah. I'm with you on the depression front today :/ Let me know how to message you. Enormous hugs!

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  8. Hi Ladies. Thank you for all your comments and sweet words. It was really nice to wake up to them this morning.

    I wish I had more Clomid to offer, as it seems quite a few of you ladies are interested in taking it off my hands. I guess the fair way is to just send it to the first person who responded, which was MissConception. I'm sorry Laura and ousoonerchick :(

  9. I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time right now but honey you have a lot on your plate. It is okay to feel tired and okay to hurt. Wishing you moments of Zen. Sending you a big hug.