Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bearing the Brunt

So, this is basically going to be a pity party for 1...feel free to escape now while you still have a chance.

This is going to sound silly, but THIS is the recent news that has me feeling so down: a few days ago my nurse at the RE's office told me that I wouldn't be able to participate in an upcoming dance show that we do at my husband's school each year.  The rehearsal schedule will overlap with my IVF treatment, and the TWW, and apparently I'm not allowed any "bouncing on the uterus" during that time.  Now, not only have I been looking forward to this show since last year's show (which was a major highlight in an otherwise gloomy year), but I was also hoping that a) it would help keep my mind off things and keep me getting out of the house, and b) almost everyone I know here at school (minus the pregnant friend) is participating and will be uber busy with rehearsals in the coming weeks (this includes DH) and talking of little else.

Oh, and I almost forgot this little tidbit: Last year I told my friend and my DH that I hoped I wouldn't be able to be a part of this year's show because I would too pregnant by that yea...there is that wonderful reminder too; not only am I not pregnant, but I have since found out that I'm infertile and I'm about to go through IVF (that thing I never in a million years thought would happen to me)...happy day.

I'm worried about having to come up with a good excuse as to why I'm not participating (everyone knows I had planned to, so that will be awkward), and I'm upset because DH, aside from not having to be the one getting stuck with large needles every day, or loaded up on fertility drugs and experiencing their side effects, or doing constant meditations and yoga to keep from losing it completely, and basically every other thing he doesn't have to do as part of this process, still gets to participate.  I know that isn't fair, but the 3 yr old in my brain is still crying and stomping her feet wildly. 

It isn't fair that the money my husband and I might have saved for our home or our baby is going to IVF.  It isn't fair that even I if I even do get pregnant, I won't have any money left for a nursery or any of the other nice things I'd hope to buy for my baby.  It isn't fair that my friends who weren't even sure they were ready for kids got pregnant on their first or second try, and that I, who have been ready for about 5 years, may never get there at all.

DH reminded me that if I get pregnant at the end of this, I probably won't mind all this so much, but I think it is just one of those "final straw" moments where my nerves are shot to pieces and I just feel so put upon by everything that has happened that I just want to scream at everyone and everything.  Besides, what if we don't get pregnant?  What if it doesn't work?  Then what?  What happens to the time lost, and the money lost?  Where do I put my pain and my grief?  How do we I keep going?  Where does that leave us me?


  1. Oh I know. The suck just keeps coming doesn't it?


  2. Oh K - I have those same fears and I have not even begun IVF. I am so worried that it won't work and I will not be able to afford to try again, thus temporarily ending our chances for a while. It's scary.

    Also, if this dance show is really important for you...maybe you should postpone the IVF until afterward? Just an idea. The timing of the IVF is all you have control over and it won't be good for you to be stressing and sad over the fact that you have to miss something important you you. IVF will always be there.
    It's probably what I would do in honor of Project Happy, but I don't know your situation.

    I hope you figure things out and feel better.


  3. Oh hun, I wish I knew what to tell you. None of this is fair--not the money, not the things you have to miss out on, not the injections and drugs--none of it. I'm so sorry. Fingers and everything crossed this IVF works out and it will have all been worth it.

  4. Oh goodness, I hear you. It's so unfair to be subjected to all the messiness of IF over and over again. And I say, stomp those feet girl! Sometimes it's all I can do when I'm feeling at my wits end. BIG HUGS. (and a stomp from me!)

  5. We all deserve to have a pity party now and then. I'm beginning to think we should call it unfairitility instead. My husband and I go on a trip every summer to the vineyard with our friends. Two years in a row I've been a non-drinker when it comes to splitting up the house finances. I think I might shoot myself in the head if we go again and I'm not knocked up. Wish there was something I could do to make it better for you.

  6. Thanks ladies. I know well how pathetic all that sounded, and I appreciate you being supportive nonetheless.

  7. There is always something else to sock us in the face, isn't there? The "resting" for IVF was a total drag for me. I love to lounge around but this was just too much! I'm sorry you have to miss the dance. :(

  8. I am so glad you have here to communicate how you are feeling. Infertility certainly does make us women have to make unfair sacrifices for the "chance" that we might get pregnant. Last summer, my husband's family took us on a whitewater rafting trip for my father in laws 50th birthday...I could not participate in anything during that week due to being in the middle of an IUI cycle. It was so hard to sit out of everything while everyone else was having a grand ol' time but it was worth it to me to know that I was protecting myself and possibly a baby. I ended up not being pregnant but don't regret any of it. Each step makes us stronger for the next one. Sorry you have to sit out of the dancing because that sure does sound like fun - but I think you future BFP will be fun too! ;)

  9. Stopping by for ICLW and sending you lots of hugs from afar.

    It's such a scary time when you find out that you need the help of IVF to conceive a baby. I know I was totally shocked when our doctor told us this and I never imagined in a million years that this is how our life would turn out.

    I am sorry that you are feeling down, but we all go through phases like this, so take the time to grieve and cry, then pick yourself up and keep moving towards your next step. xx

  10. **HUGS** I'm sorry you have to miss this :(
    I'm sure if the IVF works it won't even matter, but I know it sucks right now.