Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Fear and Loathing in the Midwest
So, my doc wants to increase my Clomid amount for my next cycle, and I don't even know why. I'm ovulating and responding, I just don't get pregnant. I ovulate even off the Clomid (albeit late, and with long cycles) but I still don't get pregnant. Doesn't that seem like a clue to anyone else that maybe ovulation isn't the problem?
I guess now I have to face a new set of fears: a) my Gyne is out of options and thinks throwing more Clomid at me, even though I developed a cyst on 50mg, is all she can think of, b) the increasing doses of Clomid will destroy my, till now, beautiful endometrial lining and copious cervical mucus, leaving me with a new fertility hurdle, while not actually correcting anything, and c) things are worse than I thought and either my eggs aren't being fertilized, for one reason or another, or they get fertilized and can't implant. That having been said, it seems every day my frustrations grow that we won't have coverage for an RE till at least July, more likely August/Sept. I just want to being treatment already. I want answers, and proper care that my Gyne and current insurance company can't provide. I can't stand waiting anymore, especially knowing that we could start care and find out we have to go straight to IVF (though right now, I honestly think an IUI might do it). To make things worse, this new, pretty insurance package comes complete with my husband having a new job where he will be traveling every week, (Sun night to Thurs night). How the hell are we supposed to manage a BD or RE/Sperm collection schedule with him never home? Inside, I feel like I'm on a time clock till this job starts and I'm freaking out a little bit more each day.
We are sitting this cycle out as far as the Clomid goes. My poor vacation planning, and my husband's travel schedule are not going to allow for good BD timing, plus the cyst is probably not gone yet. I am sad, but agree it is for the best (besides, I have no reason to believe it will actually help anything anyway). I really hate my body right now.
In other news...
The night before I started AF, when I knew she was coming, I had already cried for two days and so was feeling pretty relaxed - hanging with friends and trying to forget everything. That friend called, the one who got pregnant on her first try and has been having a difficult pregnancy. She decided to once again extol to me how miserable she is being prgnant. I know she doesn't realize it hurts me, but really, how is her timing so damn spot on? We talked for a good 10-15 minutes, mainly me listening to her talk about how bad being pregnant is, and how much she hopes never to go through this again. I said some comforting things like, "Every pregnancy is different," and "try not worry, at least the baby and you are both healthy and doing well." I said all these things and didn't once say anything mean or tell her she is being terribly inconsiderate and to please stop talking to me about it. I'm pretty proud of that.
And Finally...An important question to the blogosphere:
Posted by Kerrik at 11:00 AM