Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Trouble and woe

Well, I haven't started my period, but today, at 12 dpo, my BBT dropped like a stone, and I had a BFN to great me this morning along with the sun. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know why I haven't gotten pregnant.  All I know is how tired I am: tired of feeling broken, tired of feeling like a disappointment and a failure, tired of the painful, awful looking acne and chronic pelvic pain that no one seems to be able to diagnose, tired of seeing birth announcements and ultrasound photos on Facebook, tired of feeling sorry for myself and yet unable to shake the emotion, tired tired tired. 

I'm angry, frustrated and slightly beaten.  I felt so close this time.  My thyroid levels have normalized, and even though the PCOS is still there, I had ovulated and had all these symptoms of pregnancy to boot.  I really believed I was going to see two pink lines...I hate pregnancy tests.  I hate looking at that miserable one pink line, willing it to change with all my heart and soul.  Willing myself to actually be pregnant, when I'm not.

I have a friend right now who is sick as dog with morning sickness, and is in pretty bad shape, but the crazy person I am, I keep thinking how grateful I would be to be in her shoes.  One month they tried, and just like that, it happened.  I'm so happy for her, and yet I cried myself silly when I found out.  It only made me feel worse, knowing I couldn't just be over the moon for my friend, but instead broke down into uncontrollable weeping ad self pity.  What's wrong with me?  Why is this happening?


  1. I'm so sorry hun. I can relate to everything you said. I hope and pray that you find those 2 pink lines very soon!

  2. Thanks Lisa...hope you are doing okay with your own trials this month.