Short update

Just wanted to let everyone know that Baby S is here, and beautiful, and healthy.

After a very long, difficult labor my heart exploded in pure ecstasy on the afternoon of Dec. 20th, when my 8lb 8oz, perfect, healthy daughter was laid across my chest with her umbilical cord still pulsing.  Unfortunately it's been a difficult battle ever since for my already sleep deprived and battered body, including a secondary hospital stay for me (right after being discharged from post-par tum) with a terrible kidney infection that I'm still fighting.  I'm home now, but I can't write much just yet.  Trying to enjoy what time I can with my little love and trying to heal.  Will give the full story soon.

We may have lift off!

Contractions started early this morning, and have been fairly steady, though they spread out a bit there in the middle.  Right now I'm trying to get them back down to where they were - at 7 minutes apart - by keeping active, but I'm still getting some 9-10 min apart ones here and there.  Fingers crossed that this baby will be here before the end of the day!

Update

Hey Everyone,

Just a little update on today's appt., and the ultrasound.  Everything went great.  The baby passed her bio-physical profile with flying colors, and my fluid levels are doing fine, so there is no push to force this baby out.  We couldn't see much on the ultrasound since she is now so big and completely filling my uterus, but I did get a take home pic of the sweet little foot that's been poking me sharply in the side for a while now.  Her head was too low to see anything but the outline of her chin, but the tech showed us how the baby is practicing breathing, which was pretty neat to watch.

I was 1 cm dilated, and very effaced (she didn't give a %age but said my cervix was super short), so the midwife did a little membrane sweep in hopes of helping move things along.  Other than lots of cramping this afternoon I haven't noticed any changes yet -- supposedly if you are already moving in that direction, it can speed up the onset of labor, but we'll see.

Right now, I'm trying to relax and ignore the crampiness.  I didn't sleep a wink last night (thank goodness for AMC having a middle of the night 80s movie marathon), so I did a little cat-napping this afternoon, and talked to a local acupuncturist about coming in tomorrow to maybe help with both the sleeping and the labor onset.

That's all the news right now.  Will be keeping you posted.

Sleepy Scare

This post comes with a little warning about taking sleeping pills when you are pregnant: Give the pills to someone else to hold onto!


So, after skipping one night of the Ambi.en, I decided to go back to taking it last night.  Now, I could swear I only took one pill, and then watch a tv program for a bit till I literally was seeing double and walking like drunk.  I went to sleep, and had one of the best nights of sleep I can remember having in a VERY long time.  I hardly woke up, and each time I did, I fell easily back to sleep after a quick, stumbling trip to the bathroom.  Then, this morning I had a terrible time trying to wake.  I was still seeing double, and I wound up napping through almost the whole day.  By evening, I finally woke enough to have a light bite to eat and drink down some much need fluids.  That was when I noticed the baby hadn't been moving at all...

I had some cold OJ, and a toast with jelly...nothing but one small twitter.  I started to get worried.  Why had I slept so much, why was a I still groggy, and could I have done something to effect the baby besides just making her a little sleepier than usual?  I went and counted my pills and one was missing -- I'd only taken them for four nights, but five pills were gone.  Now, I had read online that Ambi.en can cause amnesia, but surely I would have remembered taking two doses instead of one, wouldn't I?!?

I tried for a little while longer to get the baby to move, and then called the midwife.  She had me come in for a NST, so off we went to the hospital.  At first, there was only a little movement, mainly when I had a contraction, but overall non of those nice upticks in activity that they were looking for even after cold water and lots of poking.  The midwife agreed that I might have taken an extra Ambi.en, and just not remember it, but they still seemed a little concerned about the baby.  Then, something wonderful happened...my stomach growled loudly (mind you I'd hardly eaten all day), and it woke the baby with a jolt.  Her heart rate bounced right up beautifully, and I started to feel her wiggle about. 

There was collective laughter round the room, as the monitor continued to show the baby dancing about in her startled state, and after a promise that I would come in for an ultrasound early tomorrow morning (just to be sure everything is good), we were released to go find some dinner. 

I'm home now, and having some more major cramps and tightening sensations - probably the same false labor I've had the last few nights running, but who knows. I'm hopeful that we will hear tomorrow that my cervix has made some progress, and in the meantime, no more Ambi.en for me, at least not for a few days, and I'm giving the bottle to my hubby to hold onto so that I can not screw this up again. 

Reflections

Today is a strangely quiet day.  I'm 40 weeks, I've reached my baby's due date, and I guess that somehow made me think today would be different from yesterday or the day before.  I don't know what I expected, but somehow it seems like there should be a celebration, balloons, cake, maybe a parade....
Instead, I woke to a silent home, my husband already deep in his computer, and my cat ignoring me for the patch of warm sunshine on the floor near my bed.

I've been feeling rather hormonal, almost premenstrual, and endlessly frustrated by how patient everyone else around me is.  A chuckle, a laugh and a, "don't worry, she'll come when she's ready" comment...one more of those and I might rip the hair from my head and truly lose my mind. 

At the same time, today is the 2 month anniversary of a dear fellow blogger's loss of her 20 week gestation twins...a beautiful boy and girl, who never had the chance to make it to the point my own little one has.  It cuts into my heart like a knife to think of the pain and loss this family has endured...to think of going into labor with the knowledge that giving birth will mean death not life.  It is too horrible, too cruel, and I truly wish I had some magic spell to take away the pain and grief that they must feel today and everyday.

...As I said, it is strangely quiet for a such an important day. 

To my own baby girl  I love you more and more with every moment and every breath.  I am only so impatient because I worry, and because I long to see your face and hold your hand in mine.  You are a part of me, the most important part, now and forever. 

Addendum to last post

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to quickly apologize if my last post seemed overly whiny.  I did finally get a little sleep last night, with the help of the Amb.ien, and today it is like I'm seeing the sun for the first time in a long time.  It is amazing how sleep deprivation messes with your head.

It's not that I've been feeling sorry for myself for the sleep issues, or feeling negative or ungrateful about being pregnant, it is just my intense fear, now so near my due date, that all the sleep deprivation will cause problems with having a healthy labor and delivery...which is not an unfounded fear according to my midwives.

I've had sleep difficulties throughout pregnancy, as does pretty much everyone who goes through it, but these last couple of weeks have been different.  I literally have not been able to sleep longer than 30 minutes to an hour (at most) at a time, and even those brief periods are generally few and very broken up.  As of yesterday I was such a mess that I felt like I could easily cry at the drop of a hat, and could barely do anything but lie on the couch and whimper; any little pain or discomfort was making me react like a toddler who had skinned their knee (as in complete, end of world breakdown).  That woman would not have survived an hour of pre-labor, let alone a full labor and delivery. 

Today, after a much better night's sleep, including one almost 4 hour stretch, I feel like a new woman.  I'm still groggy, but my muscles are rested, my brain is working again, and I feel positive and ready to birth this baby. 

Anyway, I just wanted to add this little addendum; just in case anyone was reading my post yesterday, and feeling angered or insulted by my complaints.  Please know that I do realize how incredibly lucky I am to even be here, dealing with these issues.

Best,
KerriK

Ambi.en Please Help Me!

My sleep situation is officially out of control.  I haven't been able to sleep more than an hour or sometimes half hour at a time for over a week now, and I'm still only sleeping about 4 or 5 hours total in any given 24 hour period (that includes day-time naps). I'm starting to go to pieces, emotionally and physically and I know my body and mind are in no fit state to go into labor.
I've tried hot baths, massage, yoga, exercise, meditation, herbal remedies, teas, etc., and nothing helps...my skin crawls with Restless Leg Syndrome issues (which really should be called restless whole body syndrome), my hand are horribly painful and uncomfortable from the carpel tunnel issues, and my leg cramps have now become completely impossible to sleep through.  Add to that the incredible pressure on my bladder, and needing to pee every 20 minutes, and you have a typical night for me at this point.  I swear sometimes I get so tired that my brain literally falls asleep for seconds at a time in between body twitches and leg readjustments -- this is something that can sometimes go on for hours. 

After yesterday's midwife appointment, I was instructed to take a Bene.dryl and cut out fluids about 3 hours before bedtime.  I tried that, and still my sleep was an epic fail.  The difference this time, I was dehydrated and so tired, cranky and strung out from the medicine, that I starting crying like a baby after trying to sleep for over 2 hours and failing miserably. 

Today, the midwives called in the big guns - I've been prescribed Ambi.en, and told not to worry if I still only sleep 3-4 hours on it, so long as that sleep is consecutive.  I told her, I would be so happy to sleep 3 hours consecutively that I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. They also had me pick up so homeopathic remedies to help with leg cramps and RLS.

I'm scared is all still won't work.  I'm terrified that I will need to be sedated and catheterized, and they'll have to cut me open to get this baby out.  I have worked so hard towards having this baby naturally, and all I can think about now is ending up in surgery with a C-section because I am too tired to think straight or even hold my own body weight anymore.  My muscles are exhausted, my brain is exhausted, and I just don't know what to do. 

My husband is picking up the Ambi.en now, and my plan is to have dinner, cut off the fluids for a couple of hours, take the meds and hope for the best.  Generally, the RLS doesn't quiet till around 3am, but maybe I can beat it from even settling in if I go to bed early.  The midwife suggested waiting till 2am to take it, but I just can't.  I need to sleep now just in case this baby decides to come in the next 24 hours. 

Becoming the Trigger

I had a terrible realization the other day, while attending a friend's party, that just by being pregnant I have unwittingly become the trigger of many of those awful, uncomfortable conversations infertiles most hope to avoid -- questions about when a couple are planning to have kids.  It isn't that I start these conversations, just that people are talking to me, and then automatically make the jump to that couple in the room considered, "next in line", cornering them into a conversation about their own plans for making babies.  Numerous times already this has happened, and I wind up just standing there, like a deer in headlights, not sure at all of what to do.  Once it happens, I feel I'm technically part of the group now cornering this poor couple, and I can't get out of it or get away. 

It is really amazing how inappropriate a question it is to ask, under almost any circumstance (barring hearing it from your doctor who only wants to know for medical reasons), and I just can't conceive how anyone thinks it is really any of their business.  The worst part of all, I feel it is my fault the question was ever asked in the first place, and now that couple is staring me down like I'm a dog who just drank all the toilet water and then licked them on the face.

Now, I know many of these couples are probably not infertile, but I'm sure they still didn't sign up for 20 questions about their plans for offspring.  In this specific instance - at my friend's party - the couple in question obviously has some sort of issues surrounding the topic (including possibly the husband not being ready while the wife is), and the conversation quickly turned even more awkward while they had their own little mini-quarrel via knowing glances and nervous laughter.  It was a nightmare, and I was there, right in the middle - the prize pregnant idiot.
*************

On a different note - I've been incredibly open about our fertility struggles with my new group of friends (some ladies I met via my Pregnancy and New Mom Meetup Group). and I'm wondering if I'm actually making them uncomfortable with my tales of IVF and Clomid.  I wanted to be open for several reasons, 1) in case there are others in the group who went through similar ordeals and want to chat, 2) because I'm not ashamed and I am tired of hiding, and 3) because I hope by being so matter-of-fact about it and giving out factual information, I'm actually helping the cause.  Now, I'm wondering if it was too much info too soon, and whether or not I created an awkward situation for everyone else by bringing it up. 

Here is the situation: 
We were actually discussing when each of us conceived and what was going on at the time, etc.  A couple of them were cases of, "the first time we had unprotected sex", and once they found out about my struggles, I could actually see them turn red with fear they'd said something wrong.  One of them actually apologized to me for it, expressing that she hoped I didn't think her totally rude and callous.  I didn't really know how to respond to that. 
I told them not to worry, and that it was fine, but the awkwardness was already out there, circulating in the room, and the conversation had to be quickly turned to other topics. 
******

Finally, a little update...Things are pretty much the same over here, as we continue the waiting game.  I have my midwife appointment tomorrow.  I know she isn't really going to be able to tell me much more, so I don't know why I'm still feeling so excited to go.  Perhaps, in my heart of hearts, I'm hopeful she'll tell me I'm actually making major progress, but I think I would know if something were really going on down there.  Also, they probably won't do another cervical check till my 40 week visit, so the entire appointment will really just be some questions about cramping and discharge, a quick listen to baby's heartbeat and a reminder of what to look out for and when to call. 

I'm really not as crazed as I probably sound on here.  I want to get things moving, but I'm also cool if things go a little longer.  I really, really don't want to be induced, so I might start panicking if things go too long, but for right now baby still has some time in there before my medical team starts getting antsy. 

Ms. Rancic and 39 week happenings

I wanted to start off this post by sending a little love to the TV personality Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill.  The poor woman has been through so much, and yet she continues to do so much as a voice for the infertility community.  She has been and continues to be, incredibly public about each and every detail of her medical journey...even now when she has had to make the painful decision to go through a double mastectomy in order to not only save her life, but to also give her some hope of still conceiving a child at some point in the future. All I can say is that I wish her and Bill all the best and I truly hope they are able to conceive and have a healthy child once this terrible cancer is defeated.  

In other news:
I've made it to 39 weeks, and so far this little one doesn't seem ready to make her debut.  I've tried all the tricks, but it's no go.  I can only assume my little lady is comfy as can be, and has decided to stick around inside for awhile.  I got a little excited by a particularly strong Braxton Hicks contraction earlier today, but it seems it was just the one, and now we are back to the usual, less exciting belly tightening routine.
 
One odd but kind of neat thing that has happened, and it might be TMI, just as a warning...
After trying out some Medela soft shells, in order to prepare my slightly inverted nipples for the task of feeding my bub, I noticed some milk had leaked into one of the shells.  Apparently I had expressed it after wearing the shell for just a couple of hours.  Part of me was worried that I'd somehow done something wrong, and should stop wearing them, but the other part was just fascinated that my breasts had actually produced something.  I felt incredibly proud of my breasts (hey, they work!) and of my body, and even more confident that I am ready for this next step. 


I've been thinking more and more about our two frosties, wondering if we will need to use them or will some miracle happen along the way, wondering if they won't actually be enough and we will find ourselves faced with doing a fresh IVF cycle, and wondering if we didn't use them, what we would do with them.  It seems so strange to think of those two little embryos, and to realize that if we make siblings from them, those siblings will actually have been conceived on the same day as our first baby, but one had to be chosen to come first, and so that one was picked while the others waited in cold storage.  How do you explain that to your children?

I am trying to avoid having feelings for those frosties, as I know they may never actually take hold in my uterus and become babies, but it still seems so odd to think of them just "out there", in the world, in a freezer somewhere in IL.  Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just losing it?

38 Weeks - this is really happening!

I want to start this post by quickly mentioning how amazed I still am that this is really all happening.  I was playing with the baby's foot again today - she likes to poke it through my right side from time to time - and I couldn't help thinking, "any day now and she'll be here...any day...holy cow!"  I'm so terribly excited and admittedly a little scared.  It's just such a great blessing, and I don't know how it is that I could actually be here about to meet this little angel...
 

My 38 week midwife appointment today was a little disappointing...I greedily pushed for another cervical check, and my cervix, though softening, has not really made any progress in the last two weeks.  I know I should just be patient and not ask for any more checks, but then my curiosity and excitement gets the better of me.  The midwife gives me another week at least, so hubby and I are gonna go ahead and make some more plans for the coming weeks and try to stay busy so I don't obsess too much. 

The awesome news:  Baby is still doing great!  My little champ's heart beat is strong and healthy, and she is still pretty active even though she has even less room than before and has dropped a bit further down.   I also received a second box of clothes from my sister (stuff my niece and nephew wore early on), and after doing a ton of laundry, I now think I have enough clothes to change this baby three times a day and still not do laundry again for a week!  It is funny that I was so worried we'd have nothing to put her in.  I hadn't bought much clothes at all.  I didn't fully realize just how much accumulated clothes my sister has from her two kids (especially if I don't mind putting my little girl in some of my nephew's more boyish stuff). I will post some pics later when I'm home, just to give you all the full feel.

The nursery is still not really put together, but I just have to accept that it won't be - at least not for a long while.  We are keeping her in a Co-sleeper bassinet in our bedroom for as long as possible, so other than her changing table/dresser, there isn't really anything "baby" about the baby's bedroom - especially as we are also using it as a guest room and my husband's been spending many a night in there in order to not be woken by me ten times a night.  The crib is still in a box, along with the overpriced but beautiful bedding set my wonderful friends chipped in to get me from the Land of Nod, the swing and seat from my sister are leaning haphazardly against the wall, we can't paint in our rental so the walls are white as can be, and since nursery decor isn't really a necessity right now there just isn't a budget for it whatsoever.  It's sad not to have that "dream nursery", but really in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter to me all that much. 

The only bad news right now:  I seriously can't sleep.  Last night, I was finally able to really sleep (as opposed to drifting for a few minutes and then waking again) by 6am, and even then I woke three times to use the bathroom between 6 and when my alarm went off at 9.  I don't know what is going on.  I know I was nesting like crazy yesterday, so maybe that restlessness contributed to it.  I also wasn't feeling so great through the night (Restless Legs, Carpel Tunnel, leg cramps, nausea, stomach pain, overheated, etc.), so I'm sure that didn't help.  I joke about how it's getting me ready for the after the baby is here, but it is pretty serious when you think that I could go into labor at any moment, and I'd be starting out already way over-tired and sleep-deprived.   My midwife was a little concerned, and recommended I try to catch up on sleep as soon as I get home today - which should be around 3 - but then I worry that will make it hard to sleep again tonight and continue the vicious cycle.  Perhaps I should just take it where I can get it.  If my body lets me rest at 3pm, but is up again at 3am, so be it. 

To my cycle sister/due date buddies, Miss Mac and Foxy, I hope all our little ones come soon, easily and in perfect health and thanks for traveling this road with me.  And to Miss Elphaba, I hope the fact that we haven't heard from you in a couple of days means that your little girl has decided to make her appearance!

KerriK

Bad blogger

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger and commenter lately.  It's been such a whirlwind here these last couple of weeks - with my baby shower, birthday getaway, Thanksgiving, out of town guests, and just being tired a lot of the time - and I feel like time keeps getting away from me.

The shower was beautiful, though I did miss having my family there.  One of my close friends hosted it, and she did a whole book theme, including adorable book streamers (see photo below) and having each guest bring a children's book they love with a message to the baby inside.

My sister, who wanted to be a part of the event but couldn't, was able to Sky*pe in during the gift opening.  It was so nice seeing her and my beautiful niece and nephew peeping through the computer screen - almost like they were there in the room with us.

The following week we had a visit from one of DH's relatives from India, and then we were off for a last Baby-Moon weekend for my 30th birthday.  We spent two days in Portsmouth, NH, just a short drive from home, and probably the perfect low-key destination that I needed. 

It is so exciting to see so many fellow bloggers doing so well.  I was so happy to read that both AP from My Dusty Uterus and All You Knew Was Love, have both delivered healthy babies and are doing great.  Mazel Tov ladies!

Not too much to report over here.  I'm 37.5 weeks, and baby hasn't dropped, so I don't think things will be getting started too soon.  I'm having awful carpel tunnel issues from all the swelling, and also rib pain on my left side, but so far both have been fairly manageable with Hypnobabies meditations, Tylenol and ice packs.  The restless leg syndrome stuff is probably the worst thing, as it means even more insomnia, and nothing seems to help ease it.  I just have to wait it out, even if that means not sleeping till 3am.  It isn't so terrible, since I'm not working and can nap during the day usually, but it makes me worried that I'll be sleepy and exhausted before even starting labor and that it could lead to me needing medical intervention during labor that I don't want.  I'm probably just worrying too much and over-analyzing, as usual...

Anyway, for the time being I'm trying to get in walks every day, drinking Red Raspberry Lead Tea, swallowing nightly Evening Primrose Oil tablets, and practicing my squats, so now it is just a waiting game...the countdown to finally seeing the face of my little girl. 


Kerrik

35 Weeks...almost

One day till I turn 35 weeks.  It is kind of amazing, realizing I'm only 5 weeks from my babies "guess" date, and that she'll actually be here so soon.

Things have been crazy here, and I'm starting to get an inkling that the next five weeks may not be quite as much fun as the last 35...don't get me wrong, everything is fine, I just started getting a lot more late pregnancy symptoms that can be classified as less than enjoyable and sometimes quite uncomfortable.  The important things though: belly is still measuring right on track, baby is active and has a steady heartbeat, and overall everything looks great and completely normal.

I had a an embarrassingly emotional weekend over something I really shouldn't have been so emotional about at all...I'm blaming pregnancy hormones.  It started with my wish of having one of those beautiful maternity photo shoots that I see so so often on the internet.... 

The scenario:
After sorting through several local maternity photographers, and gathering some recommendations, I found what I thought was the perfect one.  She would come to our home, her photos were gorgeous, and she was well priced to boot.  I couldn't believe our luck...apparently, I was too naive to understand that the price did not include actually having ownership over our images and that the cost of getting those images would be astronomically high.  I never asked for a contract, we just made the arrangements by email, and about a week after our fun, Sunday morning photo shoot I received my beautiful pregnancy pictures in a little online slide-show I could temporarily share with family and friends.  

This is where it gets messy...It turns out the price just to get ownership of the high-res digital images: $3,000!  Now, I knew prints (if professionally touched up and everything by her) might be pricey, and an album might be altogether out of our price-range, but I seriously never thought I would not have the original digital images included as part of our initial package (nor did I know she would be touching up each of the 30 we received - hence the added cost for her time).  $3,000 is almost as much as we paid for our wedding photos, and we had thousands of those (over 3 days of shooting), plus a non-expiring slide-show and a giant, beautiful, professionally touched-up album of about 40 of our favorites.  Plus, when we paid for those, we weren't already majorly in debt and expecting a baby.

As I sat there, dumbly staring at the slide-show and evil shopping cart info, and realizing these beautiful images of my little family would be gone, forever, in just a few hours time, I completely fell to pieces.  Some part of me that was still holding onto the emotions of the past two and half years, the dreams that went into making the pregnancy possible, and everything we had been through, just pushed its way to the surface.  I was hysterical crying in a heap on the couch when DH found me, and I felt lower than I can remember feeling in a long time. 

Over the next few hours, DH negotiated with the photographer while I cried on and off and just generally felt like a complete idiot.  They reached an agreement, we would get our images and it would only cost us another $400 dollars on top of what we'd already paid, plus the photographer would keep the money for the newborn shoot which now of course wouldn't be happening.  The cost was huge blow to our fragile budget, even at this far lower price point, but I got my images.

Why were these photos so important to me?  I don't know exactly.  I think somewhere inside me, I felt like these pictures made it all real.  They are shot after shot of this glowing pregnant woman, basking in her round body and in the love of her husband, and just being happy.  There is no evidence anywhere of what it took to get us to this point, of any pain or doubt, and there is nothing in any of these photos that isolates THIS woman or THIS pregnancy as different from any other.  It's just us; captured in this intimate, special moment of expectant joy and peace, and I truly love looking at them.

A stolen screen shot from the slide-show (sorry it's just a silhouette shot, but hubby still wants to keep things on this site as anonymous as possible):

Re-learning to trust

Today, while commenting on a fellow blogger's post about her recent BFP.  I realized something about my own fears, and probably the fears of many infertiles, when first getting that BFP after struggling with infertility for so long.  I think part of what makes our worries so strong, isn't just the terrible, gnawing fear of losing what we've worked towards for so long, but is also the lack of trust we have in our own bodies to do that which they were designed to do.

Infertility, for so many women, represents a failure of our bodies to be able to do something that it seems should be as natural as breathing in and out.  We begin to hate ourselves, doubt our femininity, and hate what we think of as our "broken" bodies, as month after month our hopes at conceiving are not just dashed, but stomped into the dust in a painful, bloody show.  We watch, helpless, as our bodies bleed out yet another month of beautiful dreams of a baby already so real that we can feel the curl of their little hand wrapped around our fingers.  It's a betrayal, a deception!  Our bodies look normal, but inside something is wrong, and we can't help but feel we have failed as a woman, a wife, a girlfriend, etc.

Furthermore, many of us have not only experienced first hand the pain of repeated chemical, ectopic, or blighted ovum pregnancies, miscarriages, cervical issues, preterm labor, and other losses, but we have watcher our sisters in the IF community going through them as well.  So really is it any wonder we find it near impossible to trust our bodies to do what they are supposed to do, once we do find ourselves clutching that positive pee stick?

After holding my own positive pregnancy test, watching to see if the tests would grow darker before even thinking to hope, crying in panicked relief over each successive beta test and then each ultrasound, I quickly realized I had completely lost faith in my body, and I was expecting the worst at every moment.  Doctors, midwives, family, books, all told me the safest place for my little one was and would always be, tucked away in my perfectly designed by nature womb, but it took daily affirmations, the baby reaching viability, and a lot of visits to the OB and midwife, to really begin to believe them.

There will always be fear, I know -- after all, I'm almost 30 now and my own mother and grandmother have never stopped worrying about me -- but at 32 weeks I prefer feeling confident that my body knows what it is doing.  Something could always go wrong, but I prefer to have faith in my womb, in my cervix, and in myself.  I prefer to believe, that regardless of what it took to get here, nature made me perfectly to carry this little one to term and deliver her safely into the world. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is, there is hope for us all, and we can learn to trust our bodies again but it is a long road for any IFer staring down at two pink lines.  In the meanwhile, don't let anyone tell you that you are worrying for nothing, that your fears are silly, or that you should just relax and celebrate.  Take your own time finding your peace with your body and your pregnancy, and enjoy what you can until you are able to enjoy more fully. 

A differet kind of moment

I have to write this message for a special blog friend, Miss Conception, who I found out lost her sweet baby boy and girl today at 20 weeks gestation.  I have already cried my eyes out in shock and devastation over this news.  I don't understand it, I can't understand it.  I can only mourn for her and and for those two angels whose journey I have felt so very much a part of, and whose birth I was so looking forward to celebrating. 

MC, we've gone through so much of this journey together, yet today I feel I can offer you no comfort as I simply can't know your pain.  My heart is aching for you, and I just wish with every fiber of my being that I could somehow give you back your little ones.  In truth, I never knew how connected I have felt to you through this blog, till I found myself hysterical crying over your words.  I am so sorry A, I truly am. 

31 Weeks & New Beginnings

I am truly amazed to be 31 weeks and two days pregnant as of today.  My little girl will be here so soon, and in the meantime I am just enjoying the realization that I am happy.  I don't know why I've been so afraid of that word, "happy"...as if putting that word out there in the world could cause everything to crash down around me.

I want to let go of this fear, I need to.  It isn't fair to myself or my baby to be always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".  Why do it?  Is it so that when something painful happens you can stand on the side and say, "I knew this would happen, it was only a matter of time"?  The craziest part of that is that you aren't actually protecting yourself from potential future pain, but you are missing out on enjoying the present moment...and I intend to continue experiencing every single moment of this pregnancy and this life.

Things are definitely getting tighter in my tummy, sleep is becoming more elusive, and back-pain and heartburn are now my constant companions, but it is all part of the is wondrous thing that is happening in body and I love that.  Every day brings me closer to meeting my daughter - MY DAUGHTER - and that is still so surreal and special and miraculous that I get teary just thinking about it. 

To my baby girl - I love you more than you can possibly imagine.  You are the greatest gift, and there are simply are not enough words, in English or any known language, to express the joy in my heart or the strength of my love for you.  Thank you for coming to us, for being a part of our lives, and for restoring a part of me that I thought was gone forever.

Last week's bump photo:

Can they smell my fear?

 After attending my second prenatal yoga class yesterday, I managed to work up the courage to ask two of the other ladies in attendance, who already seem to know each other, if they would be interested in meeting for some un-caffeinated coffee at some point in the near future.  This may not sound like a huge deal to many of you, but I assure you that for me this was a true milestone in my move back to the Boston area. 

You see, it's goes kinda of like this...I'm new in town, but I have lots of old friends here from when I lived her before.  The problem is that they are mainly working professionals, none of them have children but one, and only one other friend is even married.  Actually, of all my friends all around the globe, my only other pregnant friend lives in India, half a world and a major time zone difference away, and having her own lonely time of it. 

I yearn to talk to other 1st time pregnant women, to share stories, compare notes, meet up in for lunch in our beautiful little town center, and shop for baby stuff without the inevitable groan of misery I have received from every friend or family member I've convinced to go with me, etc., but I just don't know anyone and I've never been the best at starting a conversation with new people.  Usually, in my nervousness, I talk way too much and feel rather silly moments after the conversation ends. 

The craziest part is I moved into Stroller City, USA, where meeting other new moms should be a cinch.  Seriously, how many cities/towns do you know of where almost every store on the local Main Street has a play corner with toddler toys and books?  All I have to do is walk outside my apartment to see moms, dads, grandparents, etc. pushing strollers on all sides of me - often in groups of friends (moms happily chatting, kids playing together...).  I want that too.  I want to be an active part of the new mom club, badge, stickers and all.

I've thought about starting a Meetup Group...still thinking.  Would anyone attend?  I don't know?  I know I will eventually meet friends through play groups, but that is still way off in the future...what about now? 

So, returning to prenatal yoga...I did it, I started the conversation, I asked if they would like to meet up sometime.  Both kindly said sure, and we exchanged phone numbers.  Now I don't know what to do.  If I call too soon, will I seem desperate?  But if I wait, will I lose my opportunity to maybe make some new friends?  An email would have been easier, cause I could float a suggestion about meeting up, or just check in to see how they are doing.  A phone call is so much harder, so definite, and what if they were just being nice and don't really want to meet up at all...Do you see my dilemma?

In other news, I wanted to share a great blog post from my dear sister who lives in NY.  It is kind of a continuation of the discussion of baby shower taboos: http://wrathofthemammagoddess.blogspot.com/


      

28 week update

How far along? 27 Weeks, 6 Days (1.5 hours till 28 weeks)

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Home sick with a bad cold...still...bleh.  Feeling like a can't breathe right between the stuffy nose and my bras getting too tight again. 

 - Lots of heart burn/reflux, and definitely feeling tired pretty easily these days.  

 - Excited to meet my little girl in 12 weeks.  I can't believe we're so close.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Tired...he started a new job here in Boston, and he's traveling each week and working long, long hours.  We started using Facetime to a couple of nights a week to make sure we're talking more, and so the baby can hear his voice.

Total weight gain? 

- approx. 20 lbs...give or take a little weight loss since being sick.

Symptoms? 

- Sleeplessness, mainly from hourly trips to the bathroom and occasionally from sharp kicks to my organs

- Constantly hungry, though this has lessened since being sick

- Tired easily and often

- Did I mention I have heartburn, like all the time

The Belly? 

- Quite big already.  I met a girl the other day who is four weeks ahead of me, and I swear my bump is about the same size or bigger.  

 - My belly also occasionally dances on its own. Some of the kicks are so strong these days that my whole belly bounces around or waves.  It is great fun to watch.

Sleep? 

- See above

What I miss? 

- Exercise, really not getting much these days...and I haven't even been able to return to the new yoga class I joined since I got sick
- My husband, though that isn't pregnancy related
- My shoes and rings...I've been wearing my wedding ring around my neck for a while though, and I just gave up on any other rings (including my beautiful engagement ring).  Also, my feet are a half size larger than they used to be and I can only wear the one new pair of sneakers I bought.  Everything else is in storage.


What I'm looking forward to?
 - Setting up all the baby stuff we've received so far.  I promised myself I would wait another month at least.
 - Seeing my girl for the first time and showering her in kisses. 

Bargain Hunting, Cranky Uteri, and Sickie McSick-face

*Warning, this is mainly a pregnancy post:


Hey Ladies,

I'm finally settled in my new place, and though I'm down with a nasty head cold today, I'm also eagerly expecting delivery of my baby's new co-sleeper bassinet!  This was a major find on Babyearth.com (one of my new favorite sites), as it was sharply discounted simply because the packaging is damaged.  I had really wanted the Arm's Reach Co-sleeper Mini Convertible, but after scouring ebay and Craigslist, had failed to find a used one at a good price -- plenty of Minis to be had, but no mini-convertibles.  I saw this listing and almost cried at my good fortune (a brand new bassinet, extra sheets and mattress cover all for less than the original price of the bassinet = happy Kerri and even happier husband)! 

Actually, in total this week I should be getting my dresser/changer table (a gift from my mom who finally caved on the whole no buying anything for the baby before birth thing), the bassinet and our bedroom/living room furniture (courtesy of a local chain's factory clearance center), so I'm super stoked and looking forward to having things a little more together.  Also, in case anyone else is thinking of buying a Bob Stroller, the company is having an all strollers 15% off sale from now till Sept. 19th.  These strollers NEVER go on sale, and coupons are useless on them as there is always a little "not for use on Bob Strollers" clause, so buy now if you can or encourage that wonderful family member who was planning to buy you this crazy expensive stroller, to buy now while it's on sale -- that's what I did and I am not ashamed...truly (insert mildly sheepish expression here). 

In other news, I am 27 weeks today and baby seems to be doing just fine.  I had two midwife visits recently, one in the emergency triage room at labor and delivery and one normal one.  The pains and everything I had been describing earlier had continued, and then I started having light spotting over a weekend when my usual midwife office is closed -- hence the trip to labor and delivery where the on-call midwife was.  They did one of those FFN tests and it was negative, which was a huge relief, and said my cervix, though a little short, was still completely closed. 
The explanation for the symptoms: a "cranky uterus" (I thought this silly, but apparently there is such a thing as an irritable uterus which is what my midwife was talking about) and a rather low lying baby. 
The solution: I am taking it more easy, drinking lots of water, and wearing a maternity support belt whenever I'm out of the house.  I've also started a prenatal yoga class, which I'm hoping will help strengthen up some of these muscles and bring the baby up a little more. 

I also wanted to mention, in case some of you pregnant ladies are still debating between labor techniques, that I've started doing the Hypnobabies Home Study course (Home study because there aren't any instructors here in MA).  Hypnobabies is kind of similar to Hypnobirthing - if you've heard of that - but it is an "eyes open", active birthing type of hypnosis, as opposed to Hypnobirthing, so you can easily move, change positions and communicate during your labor.  I only know about it because my sister, the Doula, is also a certified Hypnobabies instructor back in NY, and she used this technique herself with her last baby and swears by it.  So far I really like it, though I think I will need a lot more reinforcement before being able to actually feel the level of "anesthesia" or "peace" during my contractions (or "pressure waves") that they like to talk about on the cds.  

If anyone out there is particularly interested in having an un-medicated birth and wants to try something a little different from Bradley or Lamaze, they can let me know and I can either try to answer your questions, or send questions along to my sister who knows a lot more about it than I do.  What I do know about it is that whether the technique ends up completely working for me or not, it is regardless preparing me for labor as well as any birthing class (and costing me about the same too) - including explanations of the stages of labor and everything that will happen in my body - and completely relaxing me whenever I listen to any of the cds.  I fall asleep to them every night - within minutes - and I love doing the scripts at various points during the day when I'm feeling like I need a little rest and extra attention.  Hmm, I'm sounding a little like a commercial, so I'm going to leave it at that. 

Love to all my ladies out there in the Blogosphere.  I can't tell you how happy it makes me that so many of my fellow IF Bloggers, many of whom I've followed for so long, are now pregnant or successfully navigating the adoption route, and yet I know many of you are still waiting on their miracles.  The little sanity I have left I owe to all of you, and I hope to see you ALL with your take home babies before too long. 

Updates & advice request

Hey Everyone,

Our little family survived the storm with little more than a "Brown-out" at our evacuation location, and some other minor inconveniences.  I admit this is the first time I was ever frightened of an impending hurricane, and I believe I owe that fear to a combination of hyped up news coverage and being almost 25 weeks pregnant. 

My mom's house, where I am still hanging out and waiting for news on when we can move into our new place up near Boston, gets hit by hurricanes every now and again due to its location along the southern shore of Long Island.  It is the home I grew up in, and it is on a little island off an slightly bigger island off the bigger island of Long Island.  When a large storm hits, the filled in marsh-land that is the town that connects us to the mainland, gets buried under water while our little island tends to fair much better and rarely sees more flooding than a bit of water blocking the bridges.  Still, I was scared of being cut off from emergency medical services, so hubby and I fled to my grandma's place further north and came home last night, after most of the water had receded from the surrounding blocked roadways. 

It's been an eventful week, and I really have been scared about needing emergency medical services as I've been experiencing some odd pains and feelings down below.  I am so happy that my little bub is now considered viable outside the womb (well, at least with lots of medical intervention), but I have no wish of her making an appearance anytime soon - which is exactly what I've been afraid of.  Sadly, I have no doc out here on Long Island, and no one will see me except a hospital, so I've just been waiting to see how things go and checking in with my Boston midwife via phone.  I'm gonna talk a little about the aches and pains here, with probably TMI, but only cause I'm hoping someone might have some ideas as to what is going on:

1) occasional cramping (menstrual-like), generally relieved by bed rest
2) pressure and pain along my pelvic floor, particularly around my labia and inside the vagina
3) occasional, short bursts of stabbing pain in my vagina
4) Powerful round-ligament pain, though this is just a regular thing for me
5) heavy, painful feeling low down in lower abdomen
6) intense pressure and some pain on my bladder that comes and goes and generally sends me running for a bathroom even if I've just gone - I thought at first this was just the baby putting pressure on my bladder, but now I'm not too sure as it happens even when I don't feel the baby move or shift at all. 

As an aside, I have no symptoms of a UTI or anything outside of the pain and pressure on my bladder or the frequent need to pee (no burning or anything that I would normally experience with a UTI).  My sister thinks it might be the ligaments/tissues being weakened (possible prolapse situation), and recommends more kegels.  I've been kegeling plenty throughout this pregnancy, so I just don't know.

I'm supposed to see my midwife in Boston on Sept. 7th, but they need to reschedule and that date had already seemed a world away.  What should I do?

In happier news, some people had asked about bump photos and why I haven't posted any.  I have some, not consistent ones or anything, as the move made things complicated, but a few.  I didn't want to post them initially, but since people have requested them, I feel less strange about it.  Enjoy and notice how, almost 20 pounds later, I've literally expanded everywhere and not just in my belly.

7 Weeks

10 weeks

14.5 weeks

25 weeks

Sneaky Baby

Hey Guys,

Once again I'm sorry for the long absence.  It's been an interesting couple of weeks, including finding out that our little miracle baby is a baby girl!  I thought for sure I was having a boy, and was so surprised I asked the technician to check again.  I've also decided that the little miss is going to look like her daddy if her ultrasound is an indication.  DH and I have very different profiles from one another, and this little one definitely favors her father and her Dadi (Hindi title for paternal grandmother).  I'm just hoping she also gets his silky, thick Indian hair rather than my frizzy, unmanageable coif. 

*Warning to my still TTC readers, this entry is mostly pregnancy talk:

My tummy is now getting quite big, round and protruding in a way that I think makes it far more clear there is a baby growing in there and not extra rolls of fat.  My appetite has increased substantially, and I find myself waking more and more in the night to have yogurt or some other quick snack before getting back to sleep. 

I bought myself this wonderful maternity pillow which leaves little room for poor DH in the bed, but I love it.  It is one of those giant U-shaped pillows, and seriously I don't know how I lived without it. 

I just can't describe how much I am enjoying this belly, and the little kicks that emanate from inside it.  The baby's now kicking quite regularly, but I can't yet get my husband to feel the kicks.  In fact, every time he put his hand on my belly, she seems to stop kicking altogether.  Poor guy keeps trying, but it is unfailing.  Perhaps this is a good sign that DH has a magic touch to soothe the baby and put her to sleep...one can always hope.  I've actually become rather obsessed with the baby kicking...how often, how strong, and when she doesn't kick on cue (i.e. when I lay down on my side or after a cold, sweet drink) I worry something i wrong.  I know I'm being a little crazy, but it is so scary sometimes when I expect to feel her and I feel nothing.

In other news, we finally get to move into our apartment next  month.  I'm so excited to just get there, and start getting settled.  I know I won't be able to be as settled as I would like as we just can't afford everything right away, but living with things on the floor and some moving boxes will still be better than playing residence limbo in my mother's guest room. 

I found out we won't be having a baby shower, as my mother is just too staunchly opposed to it due to some old Jewish superstition, so I can forget about guess how big my belly is games or getting some nice loot for the baby before she's born.  We are just going to have to buy as much as we can by ourselves for now, and borrow from friends and non-superstitious family members - which is not quite how I imagined things, but hey, what part of this has been how I imagined it?  My sister has been awesome, and already lent us a baby swing, a great bouncer chair that can easily be moved to just about anywhere in the house or taken outside, a BundleMe, tons of clothes, organic towels and burp cloths, and a pack n' play (which we probably won't use much but will be great to have for traveling). 

Anyway, congrats once again to all the other ladies out there who recently got their two pink lines.  I've been reading your blogs even if I don't always stay on top of the commenting, and I am so happy for you guys.

All the best,
K

Drifting & Dreaming

I'm floating here in a a bit of a daze, locked away with the a/c and not much to do but watch the cats chase each other around the house.  It's going to be a long summer.

A few days ago we secured our new apartment in Boston (happiness!!!), but with that relief comes the remainder of the summer boredom and general quiet of my mother's comfy home in the suburbs of Long Island.  There is truly nothing to do, no one to see, and no place to go (at least or me).  I know I shouldn't complain, but I've never been very good at that, so here it is.

This heat is unreal, and keeping more people than myself confined to cool, air-conditioned homes and offices.  I've thought of taking advantage of this time, using it to write, sort photos, clean up my computer...but writer's block and a general malaise keep me couch ridden most of the day waiting to feel the return of my little one's flutters.  For two days I felt what I was sure was the baby moving around, but now I feel nothing.  It is a scary nothing, and more than once I've given myself over to that fear and anxiety.  I'm counting down the days till our next (20 week) ultrasound and my visit with my new midwife in Boston.  Before I was just excited to find out the sex of the baby, but now I'm just anxious to hear his/her heartbeat and have the technician tell me everything is going great and will be alright.  5 days to go, and they can't go quickly enough. 

I started physical therapy today which may sound like an odd way to treat pregnancy symptoms, but hey, it's covered by my insurance.  My arms and hands keep loosing sensation or going all tingly and my upper back sometimes hurts so badly I want cry my eyes out like a little child.  I know this is all fairly normal, but I've heard massage and heat therapy and all that can help, so I'm giving it a try.  I've taken to sleeping in a different room from my husband as a) the bed in that room is more comfy, and b) I am up so often in the night and moving around so much trying to be comfortable that I feel bad stealing his sleep away as well.

Truth be told I don't mind the pain and discomfort so much, knowing it is all related to the pregnancy, but it still hurts, and if there is a safe way to ease that pain I am certainly going to give it a try.

I've decided I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I love my baby, I love feeling the changes in my body and knowing what they mean and what is coming, and I just love that this is all even possible especially after thinking for so long that it would never happen.  I hate the fear, and the nagging wish to just reach 28 weeks already, and the point where I know that the baby can survive (with a little help) outside my body if something should happen.  I don't want to wish away any of my pregnancy, but the fear makes that impossible.

I just want my baby to be safe and healthy, and I want to believe that I can prevent anything bad from happening to him or her ever.  I know the latter is a dream, but the former is a fair request isn't it?

The Pregnant Infertile

Hi Everyone,

I'm home from my whirlwind European vacation, and super excited to announce the recent BFP news of a dear fellow Blogger and IVFer: ADSchill over at Miss Conception!

Since coming home, I've been seeing more and more on the internet about other infertile friends who are also now pregnant and finding themselves on the strange, shadowy sidelines of the infertility community, unsure of where to go from here.  Surrounded by still struggling/unresolved infertile friends, pregnant women and happy families, it seems we all find it hard to make anyone - even ourselves at times - understand the new, scary and liminal state of being we find ourselves in and why we still need support from the Blogger community.  Many just retreat, stop writing, stop reaching out, and I a can only hope, find some other space to free their thoughts and seek comfort.

It seems that without meaning to do so, we lose touch with this online infertility universe that we have come to completely depend upon; sharing deepest, innermost thoughts and fears.  No matter what we say, or what we do, our thoughts and words become offensive or upsetting to someone, and there just seems to be no place, in real life or in the digital ether, for the pregnant infertile. 

None of us wants to bring extra sadness or anger to our fellow infertile bloggers or to seem the smug fertile, flaunting belly pics and discussing stroller options, but in truth this is what our lives have become.  If we have been lucky enough to pass smoothly through the first 4 or five months of pregnancy and come out the other side with a clean bill of health, we can't help but to start feeling proud of our expanding abdomens or to be thinking about how to decorate our soon to be necessary nurseries. Everything in a day beings and ends with, "but what if the baby...," "but, how will we make it work with the baby," or "when the baby comes, we will have to do ____."  So, how do you keep writing for an infertility community, when this is all you have on you mind?

One answer may be to leave the infertility community completely but that seems callous and out of the question when you have come so far with these amazing women, listened to their stories, befriended them, and shared their sadness, fears and triumphs.  Furthermore, you would have to live with the knowledge that you have abandoned a community that needs members now more than ever to help move legislation and bring a voice in government and in media.  Resolves leaders themselves have expressed that there is a stumbling block when interfiles become parents or otherwise move on: that they do not continue to fight for or stay involved with their community and so it becomes increasingly difficult for the movement to gain momentum.

So again, where does this leave us?  Who are we now, and where do we belong?
Do we stay in the IF-Blogosphere and risk the pain it may cause other infertiles, do we form a separate sister community and risk losing touch with the our other infertile friends, or do we leave altogether and try to fit in - albeit poorly - with a fertile community that we may never really will come to know? 

Pre-holiday Update

How far along? 14 Weeks, 4 Days

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Home sick with a bad cold, and very doubtful that it will be gone by the time we leave for Europe tomorrow evening.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- "Very good...excited"  A man of few words my husband.  

Total weight gain? 

- about 9 lbs from the start of the IVF cycle (7 lbs from the BFP).  Seems like a lot, but my doc seems to think it is fine.

Symptoms? 

- Boobies have been a little more sore.

- Constantly hungry.  I seem to get terribly hungry right before bed time and during the night (making teeth brushing a several times a night experience).

- Round ligament pain...not fun.

The Belly? 

- There is a bump, but it is still mostly fat.  My belly stick out so far now that people keep rubbing it, but I know the baby belly is still under all that blub, so it is kinda embarrassing.

Sleep? 

- Nights are a little better in general, though with this cough I'm still up continually.  The worst is waking up hungry, since I can never fall back to sleep until eating a snack and re-brushing.

What I miss? 

- Exercise, still not getting very much.
- My legs, I swear they have ballooned into flabby tree trunks.
- My skin, still covered in terrible pregnancy acne on my face, chest, arms and back

What I'm looking forward to?
- Feeling the baby move, hopefully soon. 
- Finding out the sex...I think it's a boy.  With the 5 day transfer I have a much higher chance of having a boy, plus I just have this feeling.  I guess we'll find out soon.


Overall, doing well, just worried about traveling with this rotten cold.  I'll be back in 2 weeks, and hoping to read lots of good news from the blogosphere when I return. Also hoping to return with a true pregnancy belly. :)

My first real scare

Less than a week ago, I felt an odd pain in my lower abdomen - to the left side of my uterus.  There have been many odd pains and twinges all through this pregnancy, but this one jolted me like a lightning bolt.  I had been in the pool, and immediately got out of the water, headed upstairs and called the doc's office.  The nurse was very kind, saying that it was probably nothing but since I had worked so hard to get that baby in there, why don't we come in get some reassurance from a doctor.
After a quick visit and ultrasound (surprise opportunity to see the little bub dancing around inside me), I was assured that everything was okay, and sent for a more detailed U/S a few days later.  Again, everything was declared just fine, and the pain had not really recurred in such strength so I began to relax and think it all a crazy over-reaction.

Then, just last night, the worst of the pain began - lightning bolts to that one spot coming in constant waves.  It built to pitch, catching me mid-speech and winding me completely.  The pain lasted about 10 minutes, sometimes decreasing enough for me to walk home with my hubby and express what was happening, and other times building up so strong that all I could was grab his arm and breath.

We made it home, I got into bed, and slowly the pain disappeared.  There was no blood.  I said a quick prayer of relief and gratefulness to my little one for staying with me.  I called the on-call doc and was told to take Tylenol and call back if the pain increased again or there was bleeding (not reassuring).  Then I grabbed hubby's hand and cried for a bit, while I took in what had just happened, and how frightened I really was.
For a moment I thought about what I would do if I actually had ____ (I can't even write the words), and I wanted to die.  Just the thought of it hurt too much to think about, and I quickly pushed it out my head.

This pregnancy has always seemed tenuous, miraculous and overly-precious.  I feel wrong and cruel thinking that somehow it is more so than the pregnancy of someone who isn't infertile and can just just get pregnant again, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming.
 I worry that my baby isn't as strong as theirs or as "natural"...that somehow all the fertility drugs and medicines will affect him/her in ways we don't even know about yet.  I worry he/she will also be infertile, and have to go through the same pain and disappointment when they are ready to start their own family.  
DH says I like to worry.  I think this is a silly comment.  No one likes to worry...I just can't help it.  This is my baby, my life, my heart.  I love him/her so much already, and all I care about is keeping him safe and happy, warm and loved.  Hmm...I think I'm beginning to understand my mother more.

FOLLOW UP TO POST:
After researching some forums (thank you Google), and talking to the doc, the consensus is that it is probably just good old round ligament pain (RLP).  I had no idea that RLP could be so intense, but I read many comments from women online who thought they were having contractions with RLP and were also completely doubled over from the pain.  I also saw my own description of "lightning bolts of pain," which made me feel even more sure that I was experiencing the same thing they had experienced.
I'm completely relieved, though not excited that this pain will probably recur throughout the pregnancy.  Ah well, at least now I will be prepared for it. 

Alive and well

Hey Everyone,

I am sorry for disappearing for so long, and for worrying people.  I've actually just been so incredibly stressed and busy that I haven't been able to get onto Blogger much except to occasionally check in on some of the ladies I know are in the midst of IVF cycling. 

I'm almost 13 weeks now, doing fine, and hoping that baby is doing fine since our last check up at 10 weeks.  I'm still ravenous, still growing fatter, and still kinda sleepy, so I'm taking those all as good signs that everything is okay. 

I wasn't able to have an ultrasound at 10 weeks, which was kinda disappointing.  My doctor used the doppler on me, and insisted we really don't need another ultrasound till 18-20 weeks.  I wanted to cry and beg, but I was too happy upon hearing the baby's healthy heartbeat to make much of a scene. 

It has been rough traveling, being barely at home, and dealing with all the pre-move stuff, but I know soon enough it will all be resolved...one way or another.  We haven't found a place to live yet, even with the whirlwind Boston area apartment tour, and time is definitely running out.  I keep asking myself, why does the Boston rental market have to suck so much?  Why do you have to pay through your nose just to have a place with safe electrical wiring that allows cats and doesn't have lead paint in the walls?

I admit to actually begging DH to just sign the lease on this one great place that is way too expensive for us, but he is being annoyingly prudent/wise and resisting.  My nesting instincts are already in full gear, and not having a home is making me a bit crazy and literally paining me each time I look at this place I would truly love to live but we just can't afford with our combined school loan and credit card debt.

Self-Pity-Party Moment -- Everything is so much harder now that we have this huge hurdle of credit card debt left over from the fertility treatments.  I certainly DO NOT regret the money we spent, it just sucks that we have nothing left now to make the home I once dreamed of for our little one...infertility really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Those Terrifying, Yet Hopeful Letters -- IVF

In reading a fellow IFer's blog this week, I have to say I was really blown away by how perfectly she described her fears going into her first round of IVF.  I borrowed a little of it to reprint here, but please do stop by her blog to read the whole entry:

"At every critical step in this process there is a bottomless pit of cold, dark fear that threatens to break into my consciousness at unpredictable moments. I quiet it. I stomp it down. It holds no profit for me, yet I know it lurks there, in the fabric of my hope and of my dreams.

Some part of me believes that if I do not acknowledge the possibility of failure, that it will not arrive. If I focus on my desired outcome, I will soon have a child in my arms. But, that is how I started this journey, with complete and utter belief in my pending success. Repeated failure serves only to ripen fear and undermine that optimism."

Reading her post brought back to my mind the terrible fear and dread of my own IVF journey.  It is something I think each of us goes through when we venture down this road, but amazingly we do not shy away...how can we turn away from that hope, that beautiful dream, that this will be the key to bringing home our baby?

To all those ladies who are cycling right now or who will be in the future, I wish you comfort, strength and joy, and of course a perfect baby of your very own.

K