Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Pregnant Infertile

Hi Everyone,

I'm home from my whirlwind European vacation, and super excited to announce the recent BFP news of a dear fellow Blogger and IVFer: ADSchill over at Miss Conception!

Since coming home, I've been seeing more and more on the internet about other infertile friends who are also now pregnant and finding themselves on the strange, shadowy sidelines of the infertility community, unsure of where to go from here.  Surrounded by still struggling/unresolved infertile friends, pregnant women and happy families, it seems we all find it hard to make anyone - even ourselves at times - understand the new, scary and liminal state of being we find ourselves in and why we still need support from the Blogger community.  Many just retreat, stop writing, stop reaching out, and I a can only hope, find some other space to free their thoughts and seek comfort.

It seems that without meaning to do so, we lose touch with this online infertility universe that we have come to completely depend upon; sharing deepest, innermost thoughts and fears.  No matter what we say, or what we do, our thoughts and words become offensive or upsetting to someone, and there just seems to be no place, in real life or in the digital ether, for the pregnant infertile. 

None of us wants to bring extra sadness or anger to our fellow infertile bloggers or to seem the smug fertile, flaunting belly pics and discussing stroller options, but in truth this is what our lives have become.  If we have been lucky enough to pass smoothly through the first 4 or five months of pregnancy and come out the other side with a clean bill of health, we can't help but to start feeling proud of our expanding abdomens or to be thinking about how to decorate our soon to be necessary nurseries. Everything in a day beings and ends with, "but what if the baby...," "but, how will we make it work with the baby," or "when the baby comes, we will have to do ____."  So, how do you keep writing for an infertility community, when this is all you have on you mind?

One answer may be to leave the infertility community completely but that seems callous and out of the question when you have come so far with these amazing women, listened to their stories, befriended them, and shared their sadness, fears and triumphs.  Furthermore, you would have to live with the knowledge that you have abandoned a community that needs members now more than ever to help move legislation and bring a voice in government and in media.  Resolves leaders themselves have expressed that there is a stumbling block when interfiles become parents or otherwise move on: that they do not continue to fight for or stay involved with their community and so it becomes increasingly difficult for the movement to gain momentum.

So again, where does this leave us?  Who are we now, and where do we belong?
Do we stay in the IF-Blogosphere and risk the pain it may cause other infertiles, do we form a separate sister community and risk losing touch with the our other infertile friends, or do we leave altogether and try to fit in - albeit poorly - with a fertile community that we may never really will come to know? 


  1. Kerri, I have just found myself pregnant after fighting infertility for well over 3 years. I was thinking the same thing so I am glad you brought it up...do we stay or do we go? My blog is soon to become...that dreaded pregnancy blog! I'm not going to be able to help it though!

  2. I am about 11 weeks pregnant after fighting almost 4 years of infertility as well and I actually blogged about this awhile ago. I was unsure whether I should change my entire blog name or not (Adventures of an Infertile Nanny) but in the end I left it. I feel like although I've overcome my infertility, I'm still infertile. I have notice my blog has become one of "those blogs" though lately, I can't help but gush about my Bean <3

  3. I am so right there with you. I have no idea where i fit and how to proceed. I feel really out of place.

    Thank you very much for the shout out too! It's still a shock but I am so grateful to you and to everyone who has been there to support me.

    Thank you for this post and for sticking by us while you start your new life.

  4. Thanks for this post - exactly how I feel.

  5. I think we stay for encouragement, support and celebrating the victories along the way! I won't forget after 6 years and 9 months of disappointment and heartache. I only had 4 eggs to fertilize, 2 normally and one to make it... I want to tell IF sisters to hold on to hope because it does just take one. I say this... but post an average of once a week or less because of everything has turned to pregnancy and I do feel torn at times. In the end, I think it's accepted and welcome from our IF sisters who haven't gotten their BFP yet... they need to know it can happen!

  6. I am now in week 5 of being "pregnant", and I can't seem to give myself the sataisfaction of calling myself that. The nervousness will always stay with me, through this pregnancy and future ones. I will ALWAYS consider myself infertile. (Nobody who has had this many encounters with a US wand can think otherwise.) I also think that ADSchill is right - those who are still struggling need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

  7. I think if you ladies want to stick around, I am happy to keep reading, feeling supported, and seeing that there really can be life on the other side. On one of these blogs somewhere, I read that infertiles actually make the worst support for each other, because of exactly what you describe above. But I have to say that we are uniquely able to understand each other. I have found this support to be life saving. I can't deny that there is some sadness for myself with every BFP, but I am also thrilled for everyone...often checking in multiple times a day when I know news is coming.