Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Drifting & Dreaming

I'm floating here in a a bit of a daze, locked away with the a/c and not much to do but watch the cats chase each other around the house.  It's going to be a long summer.

A few days ago we secured our new apartment in Boston (happiness!!!), but with that relief comes the remainder of the summer boredom and general quiet of my mother's comfy home in the suburbs of Long Island.  There is truly nothing to do, no one to see, and no place to go (at least or me).  I know I shouldn't complain, but I've never been very good at that, so here it is.

This heat is unreal, and keeping more people than myself confined to cool, air-conditioned homes and offices.  I've thought of taking advantage of this time, using it to write, sort photos, clean up my computer...but writer's block and a general malaise keep me couch ridden most of the day waiting to feel the return of my little one's flutters.  For two days I felt what I was sure was the baby moving around, but now I feel nothing.  It is a scary nothing, and more than once I've given myself over to that fear and anxiety.  I'm counting down the days till our next (20 week) ultrasound and my visit with my new midwife in Boston.  Before I was just excited to find out the sex of the baby, but now I'm just anxious to hear his/her heartbeat and have the technician tell me everything is going great and will be alright.  5 days to go, and they can't go quickly enough. 

I started physical therapy today which may sound like an odd way to treat pregnancy symptoms, but hey, it's covered by my insurance.  My arms and hands keep loosing sensation or going all tingly and my upper back sometimes hurts so badly I want cry my eyes out like a little child.  I know this is all fairly normal, but I've heard massage and heat therapy and all that can help, so I'm giving it a try.  I've taken to sleeping in a different room from my husband as a) the bed in that room is more comfy, and b) I am up so often in the night and moving around so much trying to be comfortable that I feel bad stealing his sleep away as well.

Truth be told I don't mind the pain and discomfort so much, knowing it is all related to the pregnancy, but it still hurts, and if there is a safe way to ease that pain I am certainly going to give it a try.

I've decided I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I love my baby, I love feeling the changes in my body and knowing what they mean and what is coming, and I just love that this is all even possible especially after thinking for so long that it would never happen.  I hate the fear, and the nagging wish to just reach 28 weeks already, and the point where I know that the baby can survive (with a little help) outside my body if something should happen.  I don't want to wish away any of my pregnancy, but the fear makes that impossible.

I just want my baby to be safe and healthy, and I want to believe that I can prevent anything bad from happening to him or her ever.  I know the latter is a dream, but the former is a fair request isn't it?


  1. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. We all have different journey's when it comes to both infertility and pregnancy. Hopefully things will start to feel better and you get some reassurance in that little heartbeat.

    Happy almost 20 weeks!

  2. I definitely hear ya. After being monitored so closely with IF treatments, it's hard to go weeks with no reassurance that everything is okay. We hear a lot of horror stories in the IF world, so I think we're just more attuned to everything that can go wrong. Pretty soon you'll be feeling your little one every day, and hopefully that will help you feel better--I know it helps me for sure. When I get overcome by fear, I try to remind myself that the vast majority of pregnancies result in a healthy baby. Keep positive, keep cool, and let us know how your ultrasound goes!

  3. I'm so happy to hear from you!! Please update with the gender as soon as possible :-) Aw you sound like a good worrying mom already :-)

  4. Yes, the heat is truly insane!! Sorry about the aches and pains. I hope the physical therapy gives some relief to you.

    Its understandable to worry about the flutters coming and going. It is perfectly normal. I was so sure i felt flutters around 15-16 wks, then nothing at all for another 4 wks. Sometimes I was sure it was the baby moving, but then I convinced myself it was just gas bubbles. I started feeling actual movement only well after 20 wks. Then it is unmistakeable. And every nudge, every kick is so reassuring. Trust me, once you cross the 20 wks and start feeling regular movement, you will feel much much better. Don't stress or overwork yourself with the move to Boston! Will miss having an infertile Chicago buddy :)

  5. We get a raw deal, infertiles. We finally get pregnant and should feel happy, but we are nagged by a new set of worries! I am way behind you (at 7 weeks) but am feeling the same thing. I can't wait until the next appointment and milestone. You're almost there...just a few more months 'till the "safe zone"!