Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Becoming the Trigger

I had a terrible realization the other day, while attending a friend's party, that just by being pregnant I have unwittingly become the trigger of many of those awful, uncomfortable conversations infertiles most hope to avoid -- questions about when a couple are planning to have kids.  It isn't that I start these conversations, just that people are talking to me, and then automatically make the jump to that couple in the room considered, "next in line", cornering them into a conversation about their own plans for making babies.  Numerous times already this has happened, and I wind up just standing there, like a deer in headlights, not sure at all of what to do.  Once it happens, I feel I'm technically part of the group now cornering this poor couple, and I can't get out of it or get away. 

It is really amazing how inappropriate a question it is to ask, under almost any circumstance (barring hearing it from your doctor who only wants to know for medical reasons), and I just can't conceive how anyone thinks it is really any of their business.  The worst part of all, I feel it is my fault the question was ever asked in the first place, and now that couple is staring me down like I'm a dog who just drank all the toilet water and then licked them on the face.

Now, I know many of these couples are probably not infertile, but I'm sure they still didn't sign up for 20 questions about their plans for offspring.  In this specific instance - at my friend's party - the couple in question obviously has some sort of issues surrounding the topic (including possibly the husband not being ready while the wife is), and the conversation quickly turned even more awkward while they had their own little mini-quarrel via knowing glances and nervous laughter.  It was a nightmare, and I was there, right in the middle - the prize pregnant idiot.

On a different note - I've been incredibly open about our fertility struggles with my new group of friends (some ladies I met via my Pregnancy and New Mom Meetup Group). and I'm wondering if I'm actually making them uncomfortable with my tales of IVF and Clomid.  I wanted to be open for several reasons, 1) in case there are others in the group who went through similar ordeals and want to chat, 2) because I'm not ashamed and I am tired of hiding, and 3) because I hope by being so matter-of-fact about it and giving out factual information, I'm actually helping the cause.  Now, I'm wondering if it was too much info too soon, and whether or not I created an awkward situation for everyone else by bringing it up. 

Here is the situation: 
We were actually discussing when each of us conceived and what was going on at the time, etc.  A couple of them were cases of, "the first time we had unprotected sex", and once they found out about my struggles, I could actually see them turn red with fear they'd said something wrong.  One of them actually apologized to me for it, expressing that she hoped I didn't think her totally rude and callous.  I didn't really know how to respond to that. 
I told them not to worry, and that it was fine, but the awkwardness was already out there, circulating in the room, and the conversation had to be quickly turned to other topics. 

Finally, a little update...Things are pretty much the same over here, as we continue the waiting game.  I have my midwife appointment tomorrow.  I know she isn't really going to be able to tell me much more, so I don't know why I'm still feeling so excited to go.  Perhaps, in my heart of hearts, I'm hopeful she'll tell me I'm actually making major progress, but I think I would know if something were really going on down there.  Also, they probably won't do another cervical check till my 40 week visit, so the entire appointment will really just be some questions about cramping and discharge, a quick listen to baby's heartbeat and a reminder of what to look out for and when to call. 

I'm really not as crazed as I probably sound on here.  I want to get things moving, but I'm also cool if things go a little longer.  I really, really don't want to be induced, so I might start panicking if things go too long, but for right now baby still has some time in there before my medical team starts getting antsy. 

1 comment:

  1. I get it. I trigger awkwardness everywhere I go after our loss. No one can avoid it but when they do talk about kids around me, there is a big silence that always seems to follow.'s never ending.