Thursday, March 31, 2011

4dp5dt and possibly losing my mind

It's almost midnight, and so just a tiny bit closer to test day (April 5).  My emotions are tender/raw depending on which adjective you prefer, and I think the only think holding me together at this point is my worn out husband and my broken out skin. 

I've been having cramping for two days now, and a strange, phantom stabbing - almost burning - pain in my vag which no one seems to be able to account for.  I don't have any symptoms of a yeast infection, but I swear at times it feels like something is trying to tear my lady bits in two.  I've read about implantation cramps, and sadly this isn't that.  They are supposed to be mild and short lived not constant and miserable...plus the location is all wrong.  My loved ones keep telling me that maybe it is just my body changing to accommodate a pregnancy, but I've had pains during the TWW before, gotten my hopes up, and been destroyed by a blinding BFN

Basically, it hurts to not have hope, but it is terrifying to have hope, so I'm just kinda trying not to think too much at all.

I experienced cramping during acupuncture yesterday (apparently a risk factor no one told me about), and had a complete meltdown about it when I got home.  The fear that I had unwittingly destroyed all chances of my baby surviving implantation by shaking things up down there was too much for my fragile state and I went full on, hysterical sobbing crazy.  I'm still a little shaky thinking about it, and I've decided not to go back to the acupuncturist till we know more. 

I've also been feeling kind of low because my OHSS symptoms are almost completely gone now, and I was told if I became pregnant, they would get worse, not better.  I realize it is strange and possibly psychotic to wish for more pain and discomfort, but there it is. 

So, there you have it.  Only 4 (well, almost 5) days past transfer and I'm a wreck...a wreck who even had the idiot notion of peeing on a stick today after a short hold.  There was the faintest of lines, but I'm about 99.9% sure it was an evap line.  I've never had one of those before, so I was surprised to see it, but I couldn't make out any color in it.  DH has threatened to hide the rest of my sticks till at least Sunday...maybe I should let him.

16 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry about the 2ww hell. I really hope what you're feeling is something to do with implantation, etc. Good luck!

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  2. I would be going crazy too. I feel for you honey. Boy, that tww would be the hardest yet. Examining every twinge and cramp. I'm sorry you are having to go through all that.

    I would suggest not peeing on anymore sticks until a few days. I think you will work yourself up more than you need to. But I know it would be torture either way.

    Let me know if you need anything and I'll be sending sticky thoughts your way.

    MissConception (A)

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  3. Could it be that the ladybit cramping IS an OHSS symptom? I haven't had OHSS before but I have surgical adhesions now and sometimes it really amazes how/where they cause pain...it's like everything is weirdly connected down there!

    I hate the 2WW... distraction is definitely the order of the day. Maybe take a little day trip this weekend? I wish you luck!!!

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  4. Aw honey, hang in there!! I hated when the honeymoon of being PUPO wore off. I cried for 2 days before I got my BFP - thinking it had not worked. I think your cramping is GOOD! Everyone I know that had a BFP had symptoms like that. I'm hoping your lil line is just the start of your BFP! thinking of you and praying!!!!

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  5. UGH. I would totally be going crazy too. I hate the last lap of the 2ww...makes me a madwoman. Take deep breaths and keep us posted.

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  6. Oh goodness, you poor thing. I would be a mess too! I'm pulling for you and sending lots of hugs, strength and courage! Almost there!

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  7. Oh hun, I'm so sorry this is so rough and you're having mystery pains. That would have freaked me out at the acupuncturist too. I'm hoping and pulling for you.

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  8. Hang in there! I wish there was something I could offer as a magic 2ww hell distraction. This sounds so tough and I'm sorry. Know that we are all pulling for you and wishing you the very best.

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  9. the IVF 2WW should have a special name. if i was funny, i could come up with something to make you laugh.... i have never experienced it but wow, i can only think about my clomid/iui 2WWs and then think of having a 2WW after IVF. sending you good thoughts. hang on to your DH, we are so lucky to have such strong husbands. you guys will get through this.

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  10. I'm pretty sure I will be doing the same thing here in a few days when I'm in the 2WW... PMS and Preggo symptoms are so similar and every little twinge scaring the heck out of me, but I'm praying for you and I am sending lots good thoughts over your way, and tsk tsk for testing so early !!

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  11. **HUGS**
    The TWW often makes us all go crazy. It would be a waste of time to tell you to relax b/c lord knows that never made me relax lol.
    Echoing the other ladies... Hang in there!

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  12. Hang in there, dear! We are all pulling for you!

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  13. Hang in there, the 2 ww can drive a person crazy!

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  14. Oh Sweetie,
    It is SO freaking hard to wait. I hope that you are finding some positive things to keep your mind busy and occupied. I just finished watching season two of Glee, which was nice mindless entertainment.

    If you want to talk, feel free to call! I'd love to help analyze symptoms! btw, have you seen the CountDownToPregnancy website, they have awesome data on early pg symptoms!

    much love and many good calm thoughts for you!
    xoxo - foxy

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  15. Thinking of you and anxiously awaiting an update. *prayers*

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  16. I have everything crossed and the highest of high hopes!

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