4dp5dt and possibly losing my mind

It's almost midnight, and so just a tiny bit closer to test day (April 5).  My emotions are tender/raw depending on which adjective you prefer, and I think the only think holding me together at this point is my worn out husband and my broken out skin. 

I've been having cramping for two days now, and a strange, phantom stabbing - almost burning - pain in my vag which no one seems to be able to account for.  I don't have any symptoms of a yeast infection, but I swear at times it feels like something is trying to tear my lady bits in two.  I've read about implantation cramps, and sadly this isn't that.  They are supposed to be mild and short lived not constant and miserable...plus the location is all wrong.  My loved ones keep telling me that maybe it is just my body changing to accommodate a pregnancy, but I've had pains during the TWW before, gotten my hopes up, and been destroyed by a blinding BFN

Basically, it hurts to not have hope, but it is terrifying to have hope, so I'm just kinda trying not to think too much at all.

I experienced cramping during acupuncture yesterday (apparently a risk factor no one told me about), and had a complete meltdown about it when I got home.  The fear that I had unwittingly destroyed all chances of my baby surviving implantation by shaking things up down there was too much for my fragile state and I went full on, hysterical sobbing crazy.  I'm still a little shaky thinking about it, and I've decided not to go back to the acupuncturist till we know more. 

I've also been feeling kind of low because my OHSS symptoms are almost completely gone now, and I was told if I became pregnant, they would get worse, not better.  I realize it is strange and possibly psychotic to wish for more pain and discomfort, but there it is. 

So, there you have it.  Only 4 (well, almost 5) days past transfer and I'm a wreck...a wreck who even had the idiot notion of peeing on a stick today after a short hold.  There was the faintest of lines, but I'm about 99.9% sure it was an evap line.  I've never had one of those before, so I was surprised to see it, but I couldn't make out any color in it.  DH has threatened to hide the rest of my sticks till at least Sunday...maybe I should let him.

2dp5dt...thoughts

It's been a quiet two days since transfer, with not too much news to report.  I'm still feeling the OHSS symptoms, and recovering from the news that of our 9 embryos, only 2 were seen as being fit for freezing.  I'm beginning to wonder if egg quality has been the issue all along...how else could we go from so many to so few?

When the nurse told me two of our blasts had been frozen, my first response was, "that's it?"  She seemed surprised by that and told me I was being "unrealistic" to think we would have had so many.  Maybe I was being unrealistic, I don't know, but 3 good embryos out of 18 initial eggs, seems like pretty awful odds don't you think?

I don't have much else to report on at the moment.  I've been watching movies, vegging, trying to ignore the pains in my midsection and getting lots of sleep.  I miss the gym, and the great outdoors, but I know I'll get there again soon.

Sending positive thoughts to all my cycle sisters!

It's a Blast!

Ladies, thank you so much for all your well wishing and other comments.  I carried all your support with me this morning, and I'm so exited to announce that I am officially PUPO!!! (pregnant until proven otherwise) with 1 beautiful, little blastocyst, OHSS and all, and I have 9 more embabies being grown out a bit more before freezing!

How can there be 9, you might ask, when we only had 9 to begin with?  Well, I actually don't know, but apparently someone reported to us wrong the first time, or another egg fertilized or something, cause we had 10 embies still growing as of this morning.  When I heard the news and held a photo of our two best, most far along blasts, I almost started crying right there with my legs in the stirrups and all.  I feel so blessed, even now tears are coming into my eyes writing about it. 

Okay, now that I got that out, let me back up a minute and try to explain the morning - though I warn you I'm a bit drugged at the moment on my first ever Vicodin, so it might not be pretty.

After a rough night of OHSS pain, and not too much sleep, I was feeling a bit hopeless this morning about the transfer, but still excited to hear news of our embryos.  I put on my best smile, packed up my 32 oz of Vitamin Water, iPod with several newer Wait Wait Don't Tell Me episodes and my Circle and Bloom meditation, and we were off...at least till I realized I'd forgotten to insert the Prometrium and lay with my feet up for 30 minutes....crap...DH raced the car back to the house, I ran (well, more like toddled, cradling my swollen mid-section) upstairs to push the nasty thing in, and once again we were off.

The ride was pretty lousy, with each bump and pot-hole making me want to die, but we arrived pretty close to on time and with the acupuncturist already there and set up.  Sitting up, I started to feel quite a bit better, and first glimmers of hope appeared on the horizon.

They brought me in for a quick ultrasound to inspect the OHSS situation and found definite fluid hanging out but pretty good looking ovaries.  Dr. Fox said it was mild enough to consider moving forward, but he warned me it will probably get worse with a BFP, and asked me what I wanted to do.  I could barely contain my excitement and practically screamed, "Let's do it!"

The acupuncturist was lovely, though I think that it was the shortest session of my life.  I barely had time to listen to the first half of meditation before she was pulling them out and they were hustling me into the procedure room.

*As a side note, does anyone else thing it was poor thinking on Circle and Bloom's part to feature the whole "warm water tub" visualization on the transfer day session - you know, when you are lying there with a full to bursting bladder?

This was around the time they told us about our embryos, and I can't tell you the shock and happiness that came over me (I've literally been glowing ever since).  Dr. Fox showed us a pic of our two best looking blasts (apparently, many of the rest were still in the morula stage), we picked the one on the left, and the rest is history...

I don't know if we will be freezing all the rest tomorrow or only some, or the grades of anything outside of the fact that today's blast looked great, and actually I think I prefer not knowing.  I'm just so happy right now, and I want that feeling to last as long as possible.  

OHSS Blues & A Cry for Help

So, it's official...My doc thinks I have at least a mild case of OHSS, but we won't know more till the transfer tomorrow. 

I've been chugging Vitamin Water like no one's business, and trying to eat protein when I can stomach to eat anything.  I walked around a little today and did some household chores, and now I'm trying to relax with my feet up, but I think the exertions today and the last few days might have made things worse. 

I'm beginning to worry about being benched for transfer if things continue deteriorating, and I'm hoping for some advice from you ladies.  Has anyone out there gone through this and been able to go through with the transfer?  Is there anything more I can be doing for myself today to prepare? 

Help! :(

Fat Friday

Sorry for being kinda a bad blogger since my fertility report.  I've had so much on my mind, but haven't been able to organize it into anything particularly readable.

I'm also sorry - especially to those of you out there who experienced truly disheartening post retrieval news this week - if I sounded at all ungrateful in my last post for our 9 fertilized embryos.  I actually didn't realize that that was a really good number, and was more in shock over the high number of immature eggs we had and going from 18 to 9 overnight.  It freaked me out, cause I realized we could lose the lot, or have only 1 or 2 that are actually viable and I just didn't think that would happen to us.  Not with my 18 eggs at retrieval and such a promising start. 
Now I know that 9 is actually a great number, and I'm just hoping and praying that Sunday we will find out that most if not all survived and thrived through the 5 days.  I've been sending them love, but I'm still scared for Sunday's report.

I am thinking about my embryos A LOT, and worrying of course, about how many will survive till Sunday, what shape they will be in, how will they be graded, if we will have enough good quality ones to freeze some, etc.  I'm also in increasing amounts of discomfort, with my abdomen so bloated and distended that I feel like my skin is being stretched and my organs are going to explode.  I talked to my doc's office today, and they assured me that these symptoms are common after retrieval, but to let them know if they get worse.  The weird thing is, I'm having trouble determining "worse" as I tend to feel better in the mornings, but the nights are horrible. 

DH has turned out to be a whiz kid with the PIO shots, which is a huge relief.  My butt is growing increasingly sore each day, but I hardly feel the giant-ass needle when he does it, and he's been a doll about massaging the area for a good 2 minutes afterward.  The positive note in all this - my boobs look great!  Thanks progesterone.

I keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it when I have my own beautiful BFP and 9 months later, my take home baby, but sometimes that is hard to keep in the back of your mind when right now you can hardly breath cause your trunk is so painfully bloated and going to the bathroom has become a "challenge" (sorry if TMI).
 Should I be worried that I can sometimes feel pain up to my shoulder when I take a deep breath?

Okay, really, enough whining now. 

Happy Friday everyone!

The Results Are In!

So, just got the fertilization report, and I'm happy, but also a little disappointed to report the following: 
Of our 18 eggs,
only 12 were mature (sadness),
but of that 12 we had a good fertilization rate with 9 fertilizing. 

I was worried we might have a few immature ones, based on my high number of smaller follicles and the fact that my E2 was really too high for the doc to let me grow them out a couple more days.  I know this is a great number, but I think my expectations were so high that it still feels disappointing and scary.  I am happy though that everything looks good so far, and we are set for a day 5 transfer. 

My doc's office has this policy where they don't remove the embies from their incubators again till the transfer day, which freaks me out a little because we will be going into the transfer completely blind.  They say it is better for the embryos and not to worry, but I am a natural worrier, so worry I will.  I wish I had a little camera to watch them each day, and make sure they keep growing, but alas, I can only send them love from here and hope for the best.

I will now attempt to keep myself distracted and relaxed while I await transfer day, and to remember to be incredibly grateful to have so many hurdles already surmounted and 9 potential babies growing snugly in their dishes (man that sounds weird).

An Egg-filled Story

 

Okay, I'm ready to report on our full egg retrieval story in all it's glory, and to send a little shout out to Foxy over at Someday, who is a couple of days ahead of me, and resting up after her perfect 3 day embryo transfer.

So, we started the morning super early with a 5am wake up call.  The goal was to not be rushed as we made our way out the clinic for our 7:20am appt.  I was surprisingly calm, especially considering I usually get nervous just going in for monitoring appointments, and I was oddly excited about the prosepct of being "put under".  I had been under conscious sedation once before, when my wisdom teeth were extracted, and I just remembered how odd it was to be awake one second and then out the next.

When we arrived (20 minutes early thanks to the lack of traffic), everyone was super nice as they escorted us through the special "procedure suite" and into our own private curtained off cubby -- one thing I love about this office is how not sterile-looking it is and how even our private cubby looked kinda like a tiny hotel room with a gurney instead of a bed. 

I changed into my breezy, backless hospital gown, the nurse came to check my vitals and give us some information, and just like that DH was whisked off to the "collection" room and me to the procedure room.  The anesthetist was very sweet, and she talked to me the whole time she was getting the drip set up.  I remember the nurse doing some uncomfortable poking downstairs, while the anesthetist searched for a good vein, and then I was asleep.  I woke up, already back in our cubby, with my husband looking cheerful to see me.  I wasn't in much pain, and my ovaries actually felt lighter and more comfortable which was a nice added bonus.

After some dry crackers, Tylenol, a lot of water, and three trips to the bathroom in less than 20 minutes (I swear my bladder has seriously not recovered from this experience), the doc came to see us and give us the numbers.  I was apparently, "a good producer" and they were able to get 18 eggs (big exhale), and DH's swimmers were given the thumbs up to go for "natural" fertilization as opposed to ICSI.

DH and I discussed our option to have some of the eggs fertilized with ICSI - seeing as how we have no evidence as yet that my eggs can be fertilized by his sperm - but the doc told us that 98% of couples in our situation will do just fine with natural fertilization, so we agreed to risk it. 

I've been feeling pretty good, despite the number of eggs they took out, drinking lots of water, and today I think I might even be able to skip the Tylenol.  Today, I am also far more nervous about the fertilization report than I was yesterday.  Yesterday, I felt happily detached from everything, and safe in my little cocoon of an apartment.  Today, I am anxious each time the phone chirps, and hoping they call sooner rather than later.

Most importantly now, I want to say thank you to everyone for your wonderful messages!  I can't tell you how much it means to me to receive them, and how grateful I am to have you ladies in my life as I go through this process.  You truly are my saving grace.

Love,
- K

Not Counting My Chickens Just Yet

Hey everyone,

I am still kinda hazy from this morning's retrieval, but I wanted to drop in a let you all know that I'm doing just fine and relaxing at home with my heating pad.  We got 18 eggs (no wonder my ovaries were so sore), which is super exciting, but we won't know the fertilization results till tomorrow.  I'm trying not to get too carried away by that number, but my doc seemed very optimistic that we would be getting more good news tomorrow. 

I'm super sleepy right now, and plan to take a nice, long nap, but I promise to give a better report later on.

-K

ICLW Welcome

If you are stopping by for the first time, welcome! I'm afraid that in the hubbub of the last few days, I completely lost track of the fact that ICLW was just around the corner.  I hope you guys can forgive me, and also forgive this very short welcome/introduction.

Please feel free to check out my About me and IVF Time-line pages for a quick summary of our story and the progress of our first IVF cycle.

Thanks and welcome once again!

- Kerri

A Whirlwind & a Trigger

 

After yet another sleepless night, and early morning monitoring appointment, I was surprised to find out that I will be triggering tonight for an early Tuesday morning retrieval!  That's right, the nurse called a couple of hours back to tell me to take my very last 225 ius of Follistim right away, as we are go for trigger at 9:50pm tonight, and are scheduled for retrieval at 7:50am, Tuesday morning and transfer either Friday or next Sunday. 

Oddly, I feel more scared and emotional than anything else.  I've already cried once, and I'm afraid I might do it again.  My mind is full of "what ifs", so much so that even my GO TO brain numbing device - the television - is having no effect. 

Here is the info I was able to get from the nurse:
Lining = 7.6mm
Left Ovary = 1 x 16mm, 1 x 14mm, 3 x 13mm, 2 x 12mm, 1 x 11mm & 10 small follicles
Right Ovary = 3 x 15mm, 5 x 13mm, 2 x 12mm, 2 x 11mm, and 10 small follicles

E2 = 2595,  LH = 1.5,  Progesterone = 2.1

Supposedly follicles measuring between 15 and 20mm (come on you 12s and 13s!), will tend to give mature eggs.  I know the doc is aiming to get the most he can with this last Follistim dosage and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that everything gos perfectly and we wind up with lots of mature eggs to work with. 

I'm a little scared that my clinic doesn't really believe in administering pain meds.  They told me that they generally recommend Tylenol for any "discomfort", which made me want to cry (Tylenol does absolutely nothing for me even when I just have a headache).  Apparently, after the procedure I can request something stronger if I feel the need it - I'm already planning on it, seriously.  These are the same people who told me my mock embryo transfer and Hysteroscopy would just require only Advil and might cause minor cramping, and boy were they wrong!  I was miserable even on horse pill Ibuprofen AND Tylenol with codeine.

Seriously, what is so wrong with reducing the patient's pain and anxiety levels?  There is not baby yet, no cause to be controlling substances - the eggs aren't even in there anymore.  I have been a good girl -  taking my vitamins, eating good foods, avoiding coffee and alcohol like they're poison - can't I just have my two days of Vicodin induced comfort without having to beg and look like the druggie girl who can't handle a little pain?  Come on people, really, I mean which one of us will have just been repeatedly stabbed in the vagina with a needle!?!

Anyway, here's hoping for a low stress 36 hours - ha! - and some positive, wonderful, Vicodin-filled results come this Tuesday. 

Bloat Boat or Fertility Report #4

Hey everyone, hope you are all enjoying your weekends in your respective parts of the world! 

I wanted to thank you ladies so much for all the great comments, words of support and heartfelt advice that I have received from you all since starting this IVF cycle.  You are the most amazing group, and I'm pretty sure my ovaries have heard your cheering cause they've done some impressive follicle growing this week.

I've been thinking a lot more about the embryo transfer situation, and taking all your comments into consideration.  We still haven't decided - and really we can't till we know the health and numbers of our embryos - but I think DH and myself are both leaning towards a single embryo transfer if there are enough really good quality embryos that we can safely freeze a few for later transfer. 

Things here are going well, though I'm so bloated at the moment that I feel I'm stating to need a pretty wide berth around me just to maneuver through the house.  My ovaries are much more achey today, I have a nasty heat rash from all the night sweats, and my digestion feels like it has stopped altogether, but I'm overall cheerful and trying to remind myself that it is all for a good cause. 

This morning's appointment was a success, in that they've now moved my retrieval date up to Tuesday/Wednesday.  Unfortunately, they had just had me order more meds (which can't be returned), so that may be $550 down the drain depending on how things work out.  I have one more monitoring appointment tomorrow morning, and then we'll see when trigger is going to be, etc.

The Report:
        Lining = 7.3mm (woohoo!)
        Left Ovary = 1 x 13mm follicle, 1 x 12mm, 3 x 11mm, 3 x 10mm, & 7 small follicles
        Right Ovary = 1 x 14mm, 1 x 13mm, 3 x 12mm, 5 x 11mm, 1 x 10mm, 3 x 9mm, and 10 small
                                follicles (and the Right Ovary is the champion)
        E2 = 1153!!!,  LH = 1.2,  Progesterone = 1.7
        Meds: Reduced down to 150 ius of Follistim, no Low Dose HCG, 5 units Lupron, & Baby Aspirin

The nurse was a bit Debbie Downer, and reminded me not to get too "caught up in the numbers" cause some of these follies might not make it to or be mature enough by retrieval, and we won't get all the eggs, yadda-yadda, but I'm just gonna enjoy feeling a little hopeful for awhile thanks very much.  

Thursday Fertility Forecast: AKA Report #3

Happy St. Patty's to all those out there who celebrate it!  I, for one, will be having a dull evening, void of alcohol, while my hubby drinks himself into a stupor at some Downtown pub.  He invited me to come, but the thought of being the only sober lass in a pool of happy drunkards just doesn't put a smile on my face.  I think I'll stick to some ice cream, a movie and the couch.

I'm not sure if I should be happy about the way things are progressing or not.  My nurse seems to think everything is fine and dandy, and had this report this afternoon:

E2 = 484 (definite improvement there)
Lining = 5mm (up from 3.1 two days ago)
Left ovary = 1 x 10mm follicle, 3 x 9mm and 9 small follicles
Right Ovary - 2 x 10mm, 6 x 9mm, and 12 small follies
* So that's a total of 12 good sized follies thus far.  Maybe I'm being hard on my ovaries, but I was hoping for more.

The doc is increasing my meds again, and I actually had to order some more Follistim: 300 ius tonight and 225 for tomorrow
Increasing Low Dose HCG to 6 units
Lupron still 5 units
Continuing Baby Aspirin

Next appt. awful early Saturday morning (7:40am) hello, 5am wake up :(
They are speculating on egg retrieval for next Thursday/Friday, but it's still too early to really say.  I'm hoping Saturday's count will be so great that they will bump me up to Wednesday, but I suppose slow and steady isn't the worst thing in the world.  I know my doc is being super cautious with my ovaries, and I appreciate that, but I'm also an impatient, hormonal crazy person.

I will probably write more on this later (have to run to acupuncture at the moment), but DH and I are having an awful time trying to figure out how many embies we want to transfer (assuming we will have options).  We are thinking about opting for single embryo transfer - mainly due to the risk factors for twin pregnancies - if the quality is good, but the stress of having to make this decision is driving me slowly insane.  Thoughts? Comments?

Spring has Sprung, and other musings

Today is the first day we've had around here that might actually feel like spring.  The temp is expected to finally rise out of the frozen, windy doldrums of winter and into the 50's!  My goal is to experience this day like a rebirth, and the start of a "fertile" season for the world both inside and outside of my womb.

I'm feeling lots of twinges down below, and hoping this means we'll be seeing more action on the ultrasound tomorrow.  I've been listening to my Circle and Bloom meditations every day, sometimes twice a day, and really trying to envision my body as this perfect, fertile garden, just waiting for some magical seeds to be tossed in and take root.  I've also been sending constant positive thoughts down to my ovaries, and trying to imagine that each injection is like cool water begin poured over parched earth...sounds pretty hokey, I know, but the thoughts are nice and they give me more pleasant dreams at night.

I've come to realize that I need to think of my body as this rich, fertile, place - for my own happiness.  I need to believe in the power of my uterus to sustain a healthy pregnancy, and most of all, I need to replace every "barren" feeling with one of "fruitfulness".  I hate the words "barren" and "infertile", and I think it is pretty clear that our society hates them too.  What comes to mind when you think of those words - "wasteland", "desert", "dryness" and "dust", "famine" and "hunger"...whereas "fertile" brings us to "bountiful", "lush", "rich", "full", "life-giving".  Is it any wonder we infertiles are so self-hating and unhappy so much of the time?  Our very language has betrayed us.

Anyway, I'm off, off to enjoy this spring day - at least for the time takes me to get into the office (where I sadly have no windows).  I might take a detour or two, just to get a few extra breaths of fresh air into my lungs. :)

Happy, lush and fruitful thoughts to you all, and welcome to spring!
 

Chill'n with My Follies

First things first...

I want to apologize for being kinda a lame blogger as of late.  I've actually spent quite a lot of time thinking about posts I would like to write, but when it comes time to actually sit down and write them I just seem to lose focus.  I want to blame the fertility drugs, but I think maybe I'm just being lazy, and getting a little too used to chill'n on the couch with my cat and my happily growing follicles.

Next...

I want to put in a plug for the Fertility Focus Telesummit, starting next week, which will include a couple of my favorite bloggers: Elphaba from Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm, and Katie over at from If to when.  If you haven't signed up already, do check out the schedule.  The whole event is free, so you just need to reserve your spot. 

And Finally...The Fertility Report

Things are just dandy, though I'm now fighting a sinus infection along with the Lurpon side effects...meh is all I have to say about that.  I'm overall still pretty calm, but I do have to admit to having a terrible, pre-first monitoring appointment dream last night, where I was having my ultrasound done in front of a room full of women (women I know from various times in my life).  This all seemed fairly normal, if uncomfortable, but then the nurse told me that my lining wasn't thickening, my follicles had stopped growing and I had been over-suppressed and we would have to cancel the whole thing.  I cried and screamed like a 2 year old throwing a very noisy tantrum, but was told there was nothing they could do.  It was a terrifying dream and I woke up feeling rather anxious and helpless and just wanting to get to the doctor as soon as possible to prove that the dream wasn't real. 

Thankfully, this morning's appointment was actually quick, happy and reasonably painless, and the technician was even kind enough to warn me not to expect too much since I've only been stimming for a few days now.  

The Results:

1) E2 = 162 (up from 28 at my baseline last week).  

 *I believe they want this number to be closer to 1500 by trigger, and I found this tidbit on their site: peak estradiol levels in IVF at the time of HCG are usually between 1000 and 4000 pg/ml.

2) Left ovary = 1 x 8mm follicle, 2 x 7mm follicles, and 12 small follicles

3) Right ovary = 4 x 7mm follicles and 16 small follicles

 * Ideally, there will be at least 8 follicles between 13-20 mm by retrieval, though I'm hoping for quite a bit more!

4) Lining only 3.1mm, but this is apparently fine this early on.

Also, there are some major med modifications today:

225 ius of Follistim - tomorrow lower to 100 ius in am and 75 ius in pm

4 units of Low Dose HCG (never expected to be starting this so early)

5 units of Lupron - same

1 Baby Aspirin - same

Next appointment is for Thursday!

Fertiity Report #1

Just a quick IVF check in....
 
My baseline results: 
1) 34 antrals (down from 46 after one month of BCPs - is that a normal reduction for PCOs?)
2) Estradiol level 28
3) Lh level 2.2
4) Progesterone level 1.5

*Everything looks good!


The plan:
Tonight I'll be reducing my Lupron dosage from 10 to 5 units (thank goodness, maybe it will help with the hot flashes and other issues)
I'll also be starting 125 ius of Follistim!  Yea, finally...time to wake up follies.
First monitoring appointment - Tuesday 3/15 
continuing baby aspirin and Folic acid
 

Lupron, A love Story

 

I would like to begin this post with a short declaration of love for my Lurpon injections.  It is truly amazing how something so small, and seemingly so innocent, can wreak so much havoc create such sensations in my body.  Since Lupron came into my life, I have experienced such flutters of heart, such red-hot flushes of the cheek, pangs of the head, and shifts of emotion as to make even strangers stop and take notice.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, and the world seems aflame with night sweats passion...all because of you, my dear, dear Lupron.

Okay, now onto other delights...
I had my baseline testing this morning, and should hear the stims fertility drug forecast sometime before Friday afternoon.  Wandy, my old friend, was a bit extra cruel this morning while playing hide and seek with my left ovary.  I winced, I cried, thanked the technician for another amazing morning, and went to collect my freshly diluted low dose HCG from the nurse.     

For now, I'm to continue the Lurpon injections, with the aim of starting the Follistim over the weekend on the 12th.  My case is a little high risk with all those sleepy PCO antral follicles, so I think they are just being extra cautious.  I read recently, that my doctor is considered an expert in working with PCO patients, so I'm trying to relax and leave it all in his talented hands - though I admit to still panicking a little and wanting to demand we start stimming earlier.

Lupron side effects aside, things are going pretty smoothly.  I'm feeling safe in this little cocoon of, "I'm doing all I can right now," and really taking this cycle one day at a time.  I feel stronger and calmer, and apparently I'm showing it as both my acupuncturist and therapist commented on my changed demeanor this week. I'm laughing more, crying a lot less, and spending actual quality, cuddly time with my husband.  It's true, I have no libido to speak of, and I might be going a little insane due to lack of sleep (thanks again Lupron), but really, what is that compared to a week of remembering the person I used to be....before all this?

So long suckers!

So I finally got to say so long to those awful, side effect inducing BCPs.  Today was the last day of um, and day three of the Lupron, so now I've just got to look out for AF, and check in with my RE on the 9th for my baseline ultrasound.  

I have become a total pro with the Lurpon shots  I showed off a bit for DH tonight.  This was his first time watching:  
There's me all cool as a cucumber with the needle sticking out of my thigh, and a come hither glance at DH...then there's my hubby, looking like he's seeing a horrific car wreck that he just can't turn away from...I didn't have the heart at that moment to remind him he'll be doing the intramuscular ones.  

In other news, I had a horrid phone conversation this afternoon with a bosom girlfriend of mine.  She has two kids, one toddler and one baby, and an uncanny ability to say the absolute wrong things to her infertile friend.  Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Is that _____ I hear in the background?  She's sounds kind of upset.
Her: Ugh...tell me about it.  Man, are you SURE you want kids.  I mean really, this little one will probably change your mind completely.
Me: (Silently biting lip and thinking of snappy comebacks I would never actually say out loud)

- Later - 

Her: Well, you know, you've never been good with being patient, I think you just need to be patient.  I mean you are young and healthy...are you sure you should be doing IVF?  Is that REALLY necessary at this point...(it continued with great comments about how nice my life must be with so much free time - you know, with not having kids and all - and more, but I won't bore you with the details).

I know I tried to say something - to interject and maybe comment that my doc might know a little more than her, and that she might be a little upset and impatient in my situation, and that, oh yea, of course I don't REALLY need IVF, I'm just doing it because I LOVE shooting myself up with fertility drugs and I was just DYING to waste a CRAP load of money on something that might not even work....Somehow, I never got the chance to say much at all.  She just kept talking, so I just started not listening.

I got off the phone, took a few deep breaths, burned about 360 calories on the elliptical, and practiced my new mantra: "I am grateful for this chance to make a baby.  I am grateful that we have been able to find the money to afford it.  I'm grateful for the advances in science and medicine that are making it possible.  I'm grateful for my supportive friends and family (she would not included in this), and I'm grateful for my life and for my wonderful husband who shares it with me.  

It helped...sort of. 

Lupron, Resolve & and My Fluttery Heart

Last night was an evening of firsts for this IFer...

1st self-given shot!
1st fertility injection
1st shot of Lurpon (let the IVF cycle begin).  My hands were shaking, and I almost called in the husband for back up support, but then, just like that, I jabbed it in and it was over.  It actually didn't hurt, which was a relief, and there was no blood to clean up, or any great to do.

I thought at first that I'd avoided the side effects, that was until I went to get into bed and realized my heart was fluttering like a hummingbird, and my head felt like it might explode.  I tried meditation, movie watching, etc., but I just could not fall asleep.  I finally succumbed to half a Xanax, some Tylenol, and a promise to myself that I would do the shot earlier in the evening the next night and hope for a better outcome. 

The rest of my medication arrived yesterday, and I kid you not when I say I almost fainted when I opened the box.  Here is the pile o' meds and syringes that greeted me, minus the Lurpon which was already in the fridge:

 

The best part was, of course, the free gift of Love and Infertility - thanks Village Pharmacy for assuming my marriage must be falling to pieces around our infertility.  

*actually, an amusing side note.  I had just listened to a Creating a Family podcast with Kristen Magnacca earlier in the day, and was kind of shocked when her book turned up among my fertility medications.

After recovering from the shock of all these meds, I of course decided I needed a photo (for posterity - look kids, this is how you started out), and just to remind myself where all our money has gone.

DH came home a little while later, and surprised me with these:

Mind you, my hubby hates "wasting money" on flowers "that are going to die in a day", so the fact that he brought these home for his half-crazed, anxiety-ridden wife, who absolutely loves flowers in all shapes and sizes, was pretty darn special and the perfect thing to lift my spirits. 

1st Resolve Meeting

This was a pretty special event for me.  I truly enjoyed meeting so many people who really not only understand what I am going through, but who "speak my language".  We talked of everything from IVF protocols, to the emotions of miscarriage, the loss of friends, fears about the future, etc. and we joked and laughed together for a good 3 hours.  I could not have been happier that I went, and I just want to thank them all (though I think only one of you ladies might actually see this - "hi G") for giving me such a great experience.

If you haven't been to one of these meetings yet, and there is one in your area, check it out.  You will feel better for it.    

Happy Thursday everyone!

Plug Me In

 

Just wanted to put in a quick plug for tomorrow night's Chicago area Resolve General Infertility Support Group meeting:

Glenview General Infertility Support GroupMeets the first Wednesday of the month at 7:00PM
Main conference room at Glenview Village Hall
1225 Waukegan Road (lower conference room), Glenview IL 60025
Please RSVP to Nancy at nd102006@hotmail.com or 773.573.2582

This is actually my first time attending a Resolve group support meeting, but I have heard really great things about them, and I'm looking forward to going and meeting the other women and couples involved.  If you are in the area, and at interested you may want to check it out.

K

Rookie Mistake

I made a rookie mistake this morning, and checked my neglected Facebook account.  I thought it would be reasonably safe...silly me.  The last time I signed on, I read that a high school mate who was married this past summer is already in her third trimester.  I sulked but took it in my stride.  Today, after signing on just for the briefest of moment, I read not one, but two pregnancy announcements from two other ladies married just this past summer and fall. 

I asked myself if I'm happy for them...the pitiful answer that came back was a rather bitter sounding "no".  The truth is, I don't know how to be happy for them.  It should have been my turn next.  I put in the time, the emotional and physical capital; so, where's my baby?

Where was their blood, sweat and tears for their baby: their fear, pain, frustration, humiliation, marital pressure and grief?  How come they just get to be parents?

Boy, am I a bitter b*&^h sometimes...ugh , need to get out of the office and soak up some Vitamin D.