Wowza!

I have been exceedingly blessed in the last week to receive three blog awards (2 I <3 This Blog awards, and 1 Styligh Blogger Award).  I find this pretty amazing, and just plain uber awesome, so to Me and You, Just us - Two, LisaB over at the Pursuit of Pregnancy, and Jen at The Chronicles of Violetta Margharita, thank you so much!

So, here's what I am supposed to do:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award (check)
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award some other bloggers that are deserving
4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award

7 things, hmm...

1) I have a passion for all things dairy, and have been known to venture out in arctic winds and sub-freezing temperatures just to get an ice cream cone.

2) My favorite dairy product is goat cheese, and I am a firm believer that adding goat cheese to any dish really does make it better.

3) I've ridden on two very different but equally obliging elephants, and they are probably my favorite creatures on Earth (please don't tell my cat I said that).  

4) I love the sound of my cat purring, even when I'm trying to sleep -- there, I think I made up for the last one.  

5) In grad school I lived and studied for one month with a Quichua family in the Amazonian rain forest, without electricity or running water, and I loved it.  

6) I have read all of Jane Austen's work, including her Juvenilia, and watched almost every film adaptation of her books ever made.  

7) I harbor secret fantasies of running away with Fitzwilliam Darcy.

I have found some amazing women since starting my blog.  This is just a few of them.  

The "I <3 This Blog Award":

1) Lisa B at the Pursuit of Prenancy.  I know she just sent me the Stylish Blogger award, but really I love reading her blog, and sharing news with her, and I can't see leaving her out of this list.  Lisa had some difficult news recently after a failed IVF cycle with an early loss, so please stop by her blog and share some love.

2) Elphaba (AKA "runny yolk") over at Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm.  This lady is an amazing writer, and her sense of humor gets me laughing even on my most awful/painful days.

3)  AP at My Dusty Uterus.  Sadly, Ms. AP had some very sad news this week, so please stop by her blog and offer some love.

4) One Cycle at a Time, who I actually just saw nominated me for the same award :)  I guess brilliant minds think alike.

 The "Stylish Blogger" Award:


1) ADSchill at Miss Conception.  She has a great sense of humor as well as this amazing ability to very eloquently write down so many of my own thoughts in ways I have never been able to express them.    


2) Anasara at PCOS: Pretty Crappy Ovary Syndrome.  She always posts suck interesting links and info tidbits, and I just love the name of her blog :) 


3) Waiting and Wishing who just started an IVF round.  Stop by and wish her some luck and beautiful embies.  

Now to let the ladies know. 

New Blog Friday

New Blog Friday

Hi Everybody, just wanted to check in with some exciting news.  My blog has been chosen for this week's New Blog Friday over at The Infertility Overachievers! 

I just want to send a quick thank you to Aly for the honor, and a welcome to those of you who are reading my blog for the first time.  Also for the newcomers, feel free to take a look at my About Me page or my TTC timeline and blog history, both located on down the right column, to learn about my TTC journey.

Welcome! 

ICLW Welcome

Just wanted to send a quick hello and welcome to any bloggers out there discovering my site for the first time through ICLW.  If you are interested in learning more about me and my IF journey, you can check my "About Me" page or by taking a look at my side bar TTC time-line.  
Also, please feel free to tell me a little about yourself and your blog.  I am always looking out for new IFers to follow, and new friends to be made.

Our Journey, the short short version:
DH and I have been trying for baby #1 for a little over one year.  DH = healthy, me = PCOS and Hypothyroidism.  Pregnancies = 0.  :(
We are seeing an RE for the first time, and basically hoping for a miracle. 

So, it took me a bit to recover from all the craziness of the last 48 hours, but I'm relaxed now - visiting with the family back East - and ready to report...

First, the ultrasound.  It was entirely uneventful except to say that I was violated by one of the nastiest technicians I've ever encountered.  It was 5pm, probably I was her last patient of the day, but really a little softer touch around my lady parts would have been appreciated.  I think she left some bruising, and the findings were totally not worth it: one possible cyst on my right ovary (the pain was on the left - go figure) and when I asked about follicle size and whether it looked like ovulation might be nigh, she responded with, "you've got a couple of larger follicles in there."  Okay...anything else?  Nope, sorry, no information leaking from this techies' lips.  I will have to wait for the totally useless, non-informational report from the radiologist, which might reach me in 5-7 business days.  Well, that was a waste of time and money.

Now, the RE visit.  I hardly slept the night before.  I don't know why I was so nervous, or what I thought would happen when I got there, but I think I imagined it going something like this:
RE:  Thank you for providing me with all your medical reports...so organized.
Me:  Thanks, I try.
RE:  So, here is exactly what is wrong with you, and here's how we are going to get you pregnant.
Me:  Wow, let's get started!  How much will it cost?
RE:  Well, you are self-pay, so we'd like to offer you this huge discount.

What actually happened:
We arrived a bit early; my heart somewhere in my mouth and my fluttery stomach creeping up into my chest.  Finally, they called us in to meet the RE - a wizened, gray haired woman with the general appearance of a kindly hobbit grandmother.  She spent about 5 minutes asking us many of the same questions we had already answered in our 5 page long registration questionnaire, but we of course obliged her, answering them all while she slowly tapped our answers into her computer.  She then proceeded to tell us a little story about eggs and sperm, and how they meet and make a baby. 

Next:
RE: I'm going to assume that your eggs are probably healthy since your tests look good and you are only 29, and instead we are going to focus on problems of implantation.
ME: Okay (brain is thinking - but what about the PCOS and late ovulation?).
RE: Here are a list of tests I want to do, you can arrange them with the nurse and schedule an appointment with me in two weeks.

The End - DH and me, dismissed to a little room to wait for the nurse. Mind you, that short visit was $445.

Now the fun begins, the cost.  The nurse explains the tests and the cost and why they use this out-of-network facility over the in-network labs, etc.  She then leaves us to "discuss".  $3200 later, we left the office, with no answers, and no money. :(

Estimated cost for visit 2 - $1200 test + $250 followup with RE cost.  DH is thinking we may have to bail on treatment till after the move and new job - you know when he is traveling 80% of the time, and chances of getting pregnant plummet.  Then again, considering this has just been the cost for testing, how are we going to afford treatment right now?

The plan for tonight - get drunk with mom and save the thinking for tomorrow.

My Mischievous Ovaries

Tomorrow is our over-anticipated date with our first (and hopefully last) RE.  I'm so pumped.  I have all my medical records and ultrasound images together in a nice purple folder, along with DH's swimmers analysis, I've filled out the online paperwork, and we are so ready to go!

On a more mysterious note:
I have no idea what is going on with my ovaries (i.e. early ovulation - that would rock - or more cyst activity - much more likely).  I am going for an ultrasound this afternoon, and I'm going to beg the technician to give me some information (they generally don't like to reveal anything till the boss radiologist has looked over the results and that could take days).  I've been cramping and twitching and bloating and I just don't know what to make of  it all.

Seriously, why do my ovaries hate me?  Are they still angry about the whole 15 year suppression by BCP thing?  Perhaps they are miffed that I keep allowing docs to shove them around and poke them with sonogram wands.  Then again, maybe they are just naturally bad, and nothing I've done or could do will ever alter that evil plans for total reproductive self destruction.  The world may never know...

Stick it to me

As part of my - be healthy and happy in 2011 - promise to myself, I decided to start acupuncture.  It is a strange thing to be stuck with needles and told it will make you feel better - and stranger still when I actually do feel better. 

So far I have only gone for one session of becoming a human pincushion, and I was simply amazed by the level of emotions my mind and body circulated through in the course of that hour.  I teared up, felt pure bliss, pure sadness and more bliss, and then relaxed into a sluggish, cathartic state where each creak of the building or laugh of a person walking by in the street, echoed in my ears like pots being clanged in a kitchen.

I have no idea if any of this will actually do anything to increase my fertility or fix my PCOS and hypothyroidism, but I sure as hell and willing to give it my best try (2x a week for 4 weeks - to start - and then a chance for re-evaluation). I will keep you all posted as to the results. 

In other news, I'm so terribly excited about my first RE appointment on Thursday that I can hardly focus on anything else.  I keep telling myself that this could be the big chance that finally gets us to baby.  Maybe I'm putting too much faith in this one doctor, but I just can't help it.  I need to feel excitement and hope and so I am, dammit! 

Best TV Ad Ever

TV ad: ASB Bank: Chance


Found this on another IF blog and I just loved it...made me tear up a little.

Taking the Plunge

I have news, not big news, but news all the same!

DH and I have decided to take the reproductive plunge, and invest some of our hard earned money into seeing an RE sans infertility coverage.  The plan was to wait till after the big move out East and the new insurance, but I think my latest emotional break down triggered a need to take more drastic measures.  I did some quick research (there wasn't much to go on), narrowed down my options, checked on some pricing, and voila - we have an appointment for next week, Thursday afternoon!  I know it is risky getting my hopes up, but I just can't help it.  I keep thinking that if I can just get the insurance to cover a few more diagnostic tests, and then pay out of pocket for the doctor consults (at $425 a pop!), maybe we can get some answers and even an idea of what our treatment options will be once we have insurance.

Also, a special shout out to the lovely Lisa B over at  The Pursuit of Pregnancy for her fantastic egg retrieval results!  We are all rooting for you!

The best article on infertility I've ever read!

 I just wanted to share this article, for anyone who hasn't read it yet.  It is honest, and perfect, and I would flier it all over town if I could. 

Fear and Loathing in the Midwest

So, my doc wants to increase my Clomid amount for my next cycle, and I don't even know why.  I'm ovulating and responding, I just don't get pregnant.  I ovulate even off the Clomid (albeit late, and with long cycles) but I still don't get pregnant.  Doesn't that seem like a clue to anyone else that maybe ovulation isn't the problem?

I guess now I have to face a new set of fears: a) my Gyne is out of options and thinks throwing more Clomid at me, even though I developed a cyst on 50mg, is all she can think of, b) the increasing doses of Clomid will destroy my, till now, beautiful endometrial lining and copious cervical mucus, leaving me with a new fertility hurdle, while not actually correcting anything, and c) things are worse than I thought and either my eggs aren't being fertilized, for one reason or another, or they get fertilized and can't implant.  That having been said, it seems every day my frustrations grow that we won't have coverage for an RE till at least July, more likely August/Sept.  I just want to being treatment already.  I want answers, and proper care that my Gyne and current insurance company can't provide.  I can't stand waiting anymore, especially knowing that we could start care and find out we have to go straight to IVF (though right now, I honestly think an IUI might do it). To make things worse, this new, pretty insurance package comes complete with my husband having a new job where he will be traveling every week, (Sun night to Thurs night).  How the hell are we supposed to manage a BD or RE/Sperm collection schedule with him never home?  Inside, I feel like I'm on a time clock till this job starts and I'm freaking out a little bit more each day. 

We are sitting this cycle out as far as the Clomid goes.  My poor vacation planning, and my husband's travel schedule are not going to allow for good BD timing, plus the cyst is probably not gone yet.  I am sad, but agree it is for the best (besides, I have no reason to believe it will actually help anything anyway).  I really hate my body right now.

In other news...
The night before I started AF, when I knew she was coming, I had already cried for two days and so was feeling pretty relaxed - hanging with friends and trying to forget everything.  That friend called, the one who got pregnant on her first try and has been having a difficult pregnancy.  She decided to once again extol to me how miserable she is being prgnant.  I know she doesn't realize it hurts me, but really, how is her timing so damn spot on?  We talked for a good 10-15 minutes, mainly me listening to her talk about how bad being pregnant is, and how much she hopes never to go through this again.  I said some comforting things like, "Every pregnancy is different," and "try not worry, at least the baby and you are both healthy and doing well."  I said all these things and didn't once say anything mean or tell her she is being terribly inconsiderate and to please stop talking to me about it.  I'm pretty proud of that.

And Finally...An important question to the blogosphere:

I'm moving to the Boston area this summer (when the new job starts for DH), and we will, in all likelihood, be pursuing the aid of a RE to help us get pregnant.  I know there are many good clinics in the Boston area, but it is hard to know what really defines good.  Can people recommend certain clinics over others?  Offer suggestions?  Advise on finding a good one?  What to look for, that kind of thing?  I'm feeling pretty in the dark over here and my luck with finding docs has so far been pretty dreadful.

Update

AF arrived, not in full, but it's a start.  I am not sad.  I'm relieved.  At least I found my closure.

Now, if only I could get rid of these awful cramps.

Hooked on a Feeling

The last 48 hours have been fairly brutal for me, and the brutality continues...

At 10dpo, my temp started to decrease and I started having PMS symptoms.  I knew AF would be coming soon.  I was sad, disappointed, but aside from casually informing my husband of the news, I really didn't make a fuss.  Fast forward a few hours, I am sitting with my computer calculating out my next ovulation for Clomid cycle II.  It took mere seconds for me to realize that I would be ovulating right smack in the middle of an already paid for, and much looked forward to, trip to the East coast to visit my family, without DH!  Bring on the waterworks.  It was too much.  In that instant, I felt all hope leave me.  Not only had my uterus failed me once again, but worse, fate had failed me by destroying my next cycle...We would obviously NEVER have a baby and it was all my fault.  All the emotions I had bottled up came tumbling out.  I was angry at the world, and more importantly angry at myself!  I started shouting and crying through my pathetically bronchitis-beaten voice and making a scene to end all scenes (poor DH).

I did calm down, and make it through the night, only to wake to a temp below my coverline...THE END.  I sniffled my way around the house, choked on my breakfast and started to await AF.

I made a call to my sister, the once person besides DH who I update on all things baby, and of course this led to many more hysterical sobs.  Talking to someone I trust has a way of letting it all out, so there I was, once again covered in tears and shaking from head to toe.

Today I thought I had put it past me, that I was ready to move on to whatever the next cycle brings, but when I woke this morning there was still no AF, and my temp had gone back up a little.  It isn't what it was at 9dpo, but it is over of my coverline by .3 degrees.  The test still says negative, and it is 12dpo (the date I normally get my period), but there is now this little feeling of "maybe" creeping back in, and I just don't want that feeling.  I know it will only end in tears.

Baby clothes blues

An email from a friend today had me reminiscing about a time when I thought getting pregnant would be easy...back when I would scrutinize reviews for baby strollers and car seats and search through nursery themes with the eager anticipation of one sure that she would be pregnant at any minute.  The email was a general inquiry about domestic violence shelters in the area that might be collecting used baby clothes that her daughter had grown out of.  I work in the DV field, and liaise with area shelter, and was the therefore the logical person to ask.  About half-way through answering her email, the thought just popped into my head, "maybe I should ask her to keep some of the less obviously girlie stuff for us for when we get pregnant."

As quickly and abruptly as the thought had occurred, I shushed it and shoved it away somewhere in the darkest recesses of my brain.  What could I possibly have been thinking?  Lord only knows when that might happen, or if it will ever happen.  Should she hold onto the clothes forever, hoping against hope that one day they might be of use to her infertile friend?  What silly optimism, what audacity, to think that I might be pregnant so soon, and might have use of such things as her beautiful daughter's cast off clothes.

It is not that I want to be a pessimist, it's just the fear of letting my hopes soar once again.  I'm just so afraid of the pain, the starting over, the emptiness.  I need to stay hopeful, really I do...I just can't go so far as to think of setting aside clothes for a baby that may not come to wear them.

7dpo and losing faith daily.  Not a great start to the new year, is it?