Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Finally some hope

Yesterday I hit one of those lows that comes every now and again, the ones where everything you try to do seems pointless, hopeless, wrong.  I felt sick and lost, and couldn't seem to shake it.  Then, just like that, relief arrived in the shape of a phone call from my doctor... 

My OB/GYN called, during her off hours, just to check in with me.  I hadn't heard from her since before my last ultrasound, and I was feeling angry and frustrated not only with her, but with the entire medical community.  It turned out she had been thinking about my test results, but was waiting to consult with another radiologist for a second opinion before returning my phone calls and emails.  She patiently listened to my hysterical rambling about the last few months - my symptoms and the various tests I'd had, my frustrations with getting appointments and insurance coverage, and the lack of guidance or support from any of my doctors - and then she said something wonderful; she told me to come see her next week so we can talk about it and review everything and figure out what to do next. 

I don't know if this doctor knows what her phone call meant to me, or how in that instant I woke from my state of self-imposed misery, and actually started to hope, but it really was that important to me, and I really did and do feel that way.  I've been my own advocate this whole time: arguing with the insurance company, reading every book at the library on hormone disorders, looking for a doctor who actually knows something about PCOS, Hypothyroidism, and fertility problems, and can actually guide me as opposed to just writing me another prescription to treat one of the many symptoms, calling various doctors around town trying to get in to see someone--anyone before January/February, and worst of all, living with the fear that with each passing month, I might actually be getting worse and further destroying my chances of conceiving.  But now, someone wants to sit down and look at all the tests, and talk to me, and really find out what's going on with my body.  Someone wants to help me get healthy and pregnant, without charging $500 per visit.  If she'd been in the room, I would have hugged her. 

I doubt many women have ever been this psyched for a visit with their Gynecologist.  Wish me luck.

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