Today I am officially 5 wks pregnant, and I've decided to add one of those little countdown to baby widgets to my blog (mostly, so I can see the changes on a daily basis), but I'm not sure if I'm gonna keep it there. It scares me to see it, like I'm inviting in the devil or something. I really wish I could be more confident that all will be well, but I just don't know how to be.
My newest mantra: "Everything will be alright. I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, all is well. Everything is moving forward as it should. Everything is alright."
Thursday, we are having a very early ultrasound (at my request), in which we might not be able to see anything, but I'm hopeful. I know it will be too early to make out a heartbeat, but if they can just see that everything is in the right place, and that there is in fact a yolk sac, I think it will be help keep me going for the next two weeks till I can request a proper ultrasound from my OB/GYN. I would have waited till next week, but we will be out of town for a full 7 days. In the meantime, I continue to fear every trip to the bathroom, or tug/cramp in my lady parts.
My pregnancy symptoms have been fairly steady which I think is good: increasingly heavy boobs, intermittent cramping and feelings of (excuse TMI) wetness/fullness down below, very occasional but painful jabbing pains in my ute area, needing to eat frequently or I get a little dizzy, fatigue (especially by about 5/6pm) and frequent trips to the bathroom, even when I've had very little to drink. I've also had minor OHSS bloating which is, as per usual, much worse at night than during the day.
My ovaries are sore, especially the left one, but the nurse at my RE's office assures me that it is probably one of the cysts left over from the IVF cycle. I imagine she is right, as my progesterone levels were super high as of my last blood test (70.0). I asked if I could stop the PIO shots because the levels were so high, but they said no, the protocol is to continue till the 10th week. I am weaning off the estrodiol patches though, which is a small blessing.
***Note about the following paragraphs: In revealing what I am about to say, I want to make clear that I in no way mean to discredit any of my own or other people's feelings when it comes to the pregnant and very fertile people in our lives. This is very specific case, involving one friend of mine, my own emotions toward her, and what she has been through. ***
I sat down yesterday with a very pregnant friend, the one I've often complained about for her insensitive pregnancy comments and seemingly lack of notice or care for what I've been going through. We had a long talk about her pregnancy (she doesn't know I'm now pregnant), and I think I maybe truly heard her for the first time, or at least allowed myself to really listen. That having been said, I realize I now feel some guilt for my anger towards her, and the things I've said on this blog, and I'd like to atone a little for that by explaining some of her situation:
In our short discussion, she talked a great deal about the bleeding she experienced throughout her first trimester, and how close she came to miscarrying, including waking up in a pool of blood during her 10th week -- which she was sure was the end. She hasn't been able to feel happy or excited about this pregnancy at all because she has been convinced all along that she would lose the baby. Her anxiety and sadness hit a very familiar chord with me, and suddenly all my harsh feelings towards her and her negative attitude towards her pregnancy went out the window. Even though she became pregnant so easily, in some ways she has experienced pregnancy like an infertile woman does, never allowing herself to bask in the glow and excitement of the life growing inside her, always afraid it will be ripped away at any moment.
It was difficult not sharing how much I understand her fears, and what is happening with me right now, but I already feel we've told too many people, and I just couldn't share the news with one more person...especially, before we've even seen a heartbeat.
That's all I have to write about for moment, but I do want to mention that a dear fellow blogger, Jenni over at Hope Springs Eternal, is dealing with a poor response to IVF meds and possibly a canceled cycle, so I hope you'll all stop by and offer her some words of support to help her through this.
-KerriK
*******************************************************
My newest mantra: "Everything will be alright. I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, all is well. Everything is moving forward as it should. Everything is alright."
Thursday, we are having a very early ultrasound (at my request), in which we might not be able to see anything, but I'm hopeful. I know it will be too early to make out a heartbeat, but if they can just see that everything is in the right place, and that there is in fact a yolk sac, I think it will be help keep me going for the next two weeks till I can request a proper ultrasound from my OB/GYN. I would have waited till next week, but we will be out of town for a full 7 days. In the meantime, I continue to fear every trip to the bathroom, or tug/cramp in my lady parts.
My pregnancy symptoms have been fairly steady which I think is good: increasingly heavy boobs, intermittent cramping and feelings of (excuse TMI) wetness/fullness down below, very occasional but painful jabbing pains in my ute area, needing to eat frequently or I get a little dizzy, fatigue (especially by about 5/6pm) and frequent trips to the bathroom, even when I've had very little to drink. I've also had minor OHSS bloating which is, as per usual, much worse at night than during the day.
My ovaries are sore, especially the left one, but the nurse at my RE's office assures me that it is probably one of the cysts left over from the IVF cycle. I imagine she is right, as my progesterone levels were super high as of my last blood test (70.0). I asked if I could stop the PIO shots because the levels were so high, but they said no, the protocol is to continue till the 10th week. I am weaning off the estrodiol patches though, which is a small blessing.
***Note about the following paragraphs: In revealing what I am about to say, I want to make clear that I in no way mean to discredit any of my own or other people's feelings when it comes to the pregnant and very fertile people in our lives. This is very specific case, involving one friend of mine, my own emotions toward her, and what she has been through. ***
I sat down yesterday with a very pregnant friend, the one I've often complained about for her insensitive pregnancy comments and seemingly lack of notice or care for what I've been going through. We had a long talk about her pregnancy (she doesn't know I'm now pregnant), and I think I maybe truly heard her for the first time, or at least allowed myself to really listen. That having been said, I realize I now feel some guilt for my anger towards her, and the things I've said on this blog, and I'd like to atone a little for that by explaining some of her situation:
In our short discussion, she talked a great deal about the bleeding she experienced throughout her first trimester, and how close she came to miscarrying, including waking up in a pool of blood during her 10th week -- which she was sure was the end. She hasn't been able to feel happy or excited about this pregnancy at all because she has been convinced all along that she would lose the baby. Her anxiety and sadness hit a very familiar chord with me, and suddenly all my harsh feelings towards her and her negative attitude towards her pregnancy went out the window. Even though she became pregnant so easily, in some ways she has experienced pregnancy like an infertile woman does, never allowing herself to bask in the glow and excitement of the life growing inside her, always afraid it will be ripped away at any moment.
It was difficult not sharing how much I understand her fears, and what is happening with me right now, but I already feel we've told too many people, and I just couldn't share the news with one more person...especially, before we've even seen a heartbeat.
That's all I have to write about for moment, but I do want to mention that a dear fellow blogger, Jenni over at Hope Springs Eternal, is dealing with a poor response to IVF meds and possibly a canceled cycle, so I hope you'll all stop by and offer her some words of support to help her through this.
-KerriK
*******************************************************
IF Stories Project:
A lot of you ladies have recently mentioned some brave words and thoughts about IF activism, and I've been reading them all and trying to figure out where exactly I fit in with this particularly "ism". I want to do something to help other families going through IF, especially those that may not have access to or have found a community like ours, and I've think I found my idea.
Now, I am not the strongest writer in the world, but I can edit other people's work like a champ, and have been known to compose some pretty decent short essays. I have a feeling there are a lot of us like that out here in the blogosphere, as well as a lot of really fantastic writers, so I am making this proposition to you all:
- Send me your stories: Write down, in 2 - 4 pages (maybe a little more and I can help you edit it down), the story of your IF journey. Feel free to write about the whole journey, or to just highlight the parts you feel have been the most poignant for you. Also, feel free to pull from your blogs, but make sure to give me permission to use your writing when you send your email. Here are some examples of topics, but please don't limit yourself to only these:
- General Infertily
- PCOS, Endometriosis, DOR, or other medical condition
- Miscarriage/Loss
- Pregnancy after infertility
- Motherhood/Parenthood after infertility
- Advanced maternal age
- Marriage/Love and IF
- Single mom IF
- Male perspectives on IF
- Adoption after IF
- A.R.T. adventures
- Support groups
- Male factor IF
- Make it anonymous or put your name or just put your age and town/state. This is entirely up to you, but please provide me with a valid email address in case I need to contact you for any type of release or other legal issue.
- Share this post with your readers, hopefully spreading the word and bringing in many more varied stories.
The goal of all this: I want to gather together a variety of personal stories from the blogospehere, and hopefully publish them. I want to make your stories heard, and to give other infertile families a chance to learn from our community and to find support in it. Each of our stories has the chance of connecting with at least one person, somewhere out there, and maybe making them feel just a little less alone as they journey through this difficult time in their lives, so this I vow to you all now - If you share your stories with me, I will fight to make them heard!
Please send your submissions to:
uncommonnonsense1(at)gmail(dot)com
Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you,
- Kerri
I am sure the feelings of guilt that you have towards your friend are completely normal, and given where you were 5 weeks ago, it was normal to feel those feelings that you were feeling.
ReplyDeleteYAY for 5 weeks. I'm a week behind you :) I also feel the same way, we've told way to many people, I never thought I'd have a problem holding it in, but it's much harder then I thought it would be!
I've been MIA recently and just want to say CONGRAULATIONS on your pregnancy! I am so excited for you! I definitely understand the feeling of worrying something will go wrong. I've been feeling better lately (I'm 8w3d now) and even that has been worrying me.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to beat yourself up about how you felt about your friend. Regardless of her situation, it sounds like she said some pretty insensitive things to you. Her difficulties don't change that. But it does go to show how much of a caring person you are, to listen to her even during a stressful time. I hope she'll do the same for you once you announce your pregnancy.
Congrats again!
Kerri, I'm beyond excited for you. Your mantra is awesome. :)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on this! Sending out Hope your way for a normal, healthy pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI think that if the early ultrasound will help allay some of your fears, then it's a great idea. And I think that it was probably good for you to be able to hear the concerns of your pregnant friend but without the lens of infertility coloring your perception. Your feelings before were normal and natural, and so are your feelings now. It's just a difference in perspective that has you feeling a different way.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your support, it means so much to me!
Sending you positive vibes for that ultrasound!
ReplyDeleteAnd yay for symptoms!
Happy 5 weeks!!! I'm so stinkin excited for you! And I totally get your feelings towards your friend. You are such a good person. Please don't feel bad! Hugs!
ReplyDelete