My Confession

So, I have a confession to make to you all, and with your permission I would like to tell it now:

I did in fact POAS every morning over the last three days, and according to a combination of 3 FRERs, about 10 internet cheapies, and 1 expensive but impressive Digital Clearbue Easy, I am in fact - rather cautiously - pregnant.  I did not tell you all sooner due to a combination of 1) my fear that the lines would not darken with each passing day (they started out barely visible), 2) my even greater fear that this will not last, and that somehow by putting the news out there I would jinx myself, 3) I did not want to upset any of my dear readers, especially those currently experiencing a loss or waiting in the 2WW, and 4) I simply didn't know the right way or time to announce this news.

For me, the fact that I am pregnant at all is truly a miracle.  I don't think I fully believed it possible, but now I know that regardless of how this all turns out, it is possible.  This knowledge is an amazing gift, though admittedly one that pales in comparison to the new life growing inside me.

I am so terrified of this Beta tomorrow, but also anxious to have the results.  I wish they could tell me, from this one number, that everything will be alright and that this little one will keep on growing, and make it, but alas my husband and I can only hold our breath and each other and hope.

Don't get me wrong, I have been floating in happiness with this news.  It has almost completely swept away all the negative emotions and family heartache, and for the moment it has brightened the lives of my mom and dad who have both had a very rough few days.  DH and I decided to tell both our parents this morning, and it was seriously a dream come true.  The moms both cried, and my beautiful, Hindi speaking MIL, who is across the world in India, managed to speak a few emotion-filled sentences to me in English that made me cry with happiness.

I want this little one so fiercely that it scares me.  I talk to him/her all the time, send along loving thoughts, urging him/her to stay with me and grow.  I wish I could just relax and believe everything will be just fine, and I have been repeating to myself non-stop that everything will be fine, and truly trying to believe my own words.   In truth though, it is a wonderful kind of torture, and one I wish for all you ladies out there who have struggled so long and hard to have a child of your very own.

This is my confession, and I hope you'll all forgive me for my secrecy.

- Kerri