Monday, April 4, 2011

My Confession


So, I have a confession to make to you all, and with your permission I would like to tell it now:

I did in fact POAS every morning over the last three days, and according to a combination of 3 FRERs, about 10 internet cheapies, and 1 expensive but impressive Digital Clearbue Easy, I am in fact - rather cautiously - pregnant.  I did not tell you all sooner due to a combination of 1) my fear that the lines would not darken with each passing day (they started out barely visible), 2) my even greater fear that this will not last, and that somehow by putting the news out there I would jinx myself, 3) I did not want to upset any of my dear readers, especially those currently experiencing a loss or waiting in the 2WW, and 4) I simply didn't know the right way or time to announce this news.

For me, the fact that I am pregnant at all is truly a miracle.  I don't think I fully believed it possible, but now I know that regardless of how this all turns out, it is possible.  This knowledge is an amazing gift, though admittedly one that pales in comparison to the new life growing inside me.

I am so terrified of this Beta tomorrow, but also anxious to have the results.  I wish they could tell me, from this one number, that everything will be alright and that this little one will keep on growing, and make it, but alas my husband and I can only hold our breath and each other and hope.

Don't get me wrong, I have been floating in happiness with this news.  It has almost completely swept away all the negative emotions and family heartache, and for the moment it has brightened the lives of my mom and dad who have both had a very rough few days.  DH and I decided to tell both our parents this morning, and it was seriously a dream come true.  The moms both cried, and my beautiful, Hindi speaking MIL, who is across the world in India, managed to speak a few emotion-filled sentences to me in English that made me cry with happiness.

I want this little one so fiercely that it scares me.  I talk to him/her all the time, send along loving thoughts, urging him/her to stay with me and grow.  I wish I could just relax and believe everything will be just fine, and I have been repeating to myself non-stop that everything will be fine, and truly trying to believe my own words.   In truth though, it is a wonderful kind of torture, and one I wish for all you ladies out there who have struggled so long and hard to have a child of your very own.

This is my confession, and I hope you'll all forgive me for my secrecy.

- Kerri 


22 comments:

  1. Congrats! Hoping for a nice high beta tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  2. A thousand times congrats! I'll keep you in my thoughts for a happy, healthy, safe, and uneventful pregnancy with a happy, healthy munchkin at the end. How thrilling this news is for you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ohh Kerrik, so so so so happy to hear this wonderful news! I have been waiting anxiously to hear from you and Foxy. I know the beta will be wonderful. Its impossible not to worry and wonder if its all just a dream. I went through similar emotions last month and I know how it must feel - the hope, the happiness, the concern, all the prayers that we keep sending up!
    OMG once again, so so happy for you. I hope the beta looks good!

    ReplyDelete
  4. AHHHHHHH!!!! I'm so happy!!!!
    CONGRATULATIONS

    ReplyDelete
  5. What happy news! Congrats! Praying for a strong beta tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so happy for you!!! CONGRATS!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sending you good thoughts for a great beta and a happy, healthy pregnancy!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is fabulous news! Hoping soon that you don't feel you have to be cautiously pregnant - but just pregnant! :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Forgiveness granted - you don't even have to ask. I hope that the numbers at your beta tomorrow fill you with much joy. Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  10. OH. MY. GOD!! You are so sneaky! Congrats!!! Fingers crossed for an awesome beta tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  11. yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

    ReplyDelete
  12. How exciting! Congratulations!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I have been following your blog, and had my ET on the same day. We had a 3DT and I too am "cautiously" pregnant. Congrats on your journey! :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. OH MY GOD! That is such hopeful and wonderful news Kerri!

    I was wondering if you had broken down and POAS...

    I can honestly say I am so very happy for you. You deserve this so much.

    Makes me excited for my IVF in June.

    I am thinking super sticky thoughts right now and hope for all good things.

    Loves!

    http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hellz Yeahhhhh!!!!
    You have no idea how happy this post makes me. Oh my goodness oh my goodness, i feel like I could just run to you and hug you. and oh Kerri, I do believe that someday, we will meet, and hug, and cry watching our little ones play together.
    Incredible.
    Simply incredible.
    Congratulations Kerri!

    ReplyDelete
  16. my thoughts are all about baby dust and baby, baby, beautiful baby for you!!!! Now I am so giddy!!! Please let us know tomorrow!! ahhh!! This is great news!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. OH KERRI!!!! I am SO unbelievably THRILLED for you! CONGRATS!! I bet your beta will be awesome! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Can't wait to hear the number that will confirm what you already know today! YAY, congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh Kerrik, this is the best news ever!! I was so happy to read this yesterday from my phone but couldn't comment. It has been a good past week for the blogging world of IVF. Congrats congrats congrats!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hooray!!! Congratulations!! Can't wait to hear about your first beta.

    ReplyDelete
  21. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
    What wonderful news to read!!! And your parents/inlaw reactions were just so sweet to read about as well.
    Sending all the good vibes I can to your little bean to stick around for the next 9 months :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Congrats, congrats, congrats Kerri! That is so exciting! I'm looking forward to your beta! :)

    ReplyDelete