For Mother's Day, my wonderful sister sent me my usual Mother's Day card, though admittedly this year's had a slightly different theme. For a few years now, I think probably since my niece was born, my sister has sent me an Aunt Mother's Day card, and each year I've loved receiving them and dreaming for a bit about what it would be like to be, what I thought of as, "a real mom". It, of course was even better this year when she sent me one dedicated to the mom I'm about to become.
The card was perfect, showing a glowing new mom holding her baby on the front, and a little girl cradling a very sad looking kitty cat with a bonnet and a pacifier in its mouth on the inside. The message: "Sometimes it's still hard to believe...my sister, the mother. It seems like only yesterday you were, 'my sister, the pain-in-the-butt!' Just kidding, Happy Mother's Day!"
Yes, it's scary but true, I have always babied my cats (including the one I have now), calling them by every endearment known to mankind, and possibly I did try to make my childhood cat into a baby so I could carry her about and feed her (something I believe she interpreted as evil torture). Yes, I spent years babysitting, yes I love children (well, most children) and yes I've researched possibly too much about pregnancy, childbirth and child psychology to be healthy, but does all this really tell me anything about what I will be like when my own baby comes into this world?
I've started thinking about the people who, seeing me with their kids, have told me, "I can't think of anyone more ready to become a mom then you," or "you know so much about pregnancy and children, you are going to be such a great mom." I have to wonder, do these traits actually qualify me to be a good mom? It's time...I want to know, who exactly is the mom inside me, and better yet, who is the mother I want to be or will be?
I know in my heart that I'm already a mother, and I have been for longer than I've had this baby growing inside me, but will I be a good mother? Will I be able to set the right examples for my children, and create a nurturing environment where they always feel loved, and never question their place in this life or in our family? Will I be strong enough, or will I fall prey to my own insecurities and trivial/selfish concerns, taking my neurosis and frustrations out on my growing family?
I'm imagining it will be a little of everything, no matter how hard I try, so I'm just hoping, with all my heart, that whatever the case, I'm enough...enough for my children, enough for my husband, enough for myself...and I have to admit, shameful as it feels, it's a little terrifying.