Those Terrifying, Yet Hopeful Letters -- IVF

In reading a fellow IFer's blog this week, I have to say I was really blown away by how perfectly she described her fears going into her first round of IVF.  I borrowed a little of it to reprint here, but please do stop by her blog to read the whole entry:

"At every critical step in this process there is a bottomless pit of cold, dark fear that threatens to break into my consciousness at unpredictable moments. I quiet it. I stomp it down. It holds no profit for me, yet I know it lurks there, in the fabric of my hope and of my dreams.

Some part of me believes that if I do not acknowledge the possibility of failure, that it will not arrive. If I focus on my desired outcome, I will soon have a child in my arms. But, that is how I started this journey, with complete and utter belief in my pending success. Repeated failure serves only to ripen fear and undermine that optimism."

Reading her post brought back to my mind the terrible fear and dread of my own IVF journey.  It is something I think each of us goes through when we venture down this road, but amazingly we do not shy away...how can we turn away from that hope, that beautiful dream, that this will be the key to bringing home our baby?

To all those ladies who are cycling right now or who will be in the future, I wish you comfort, strength and joy, and of course a perfect baby of your very own.

K

Updates

Saw this on another Blogger's site and decided to steal it.

How far along? 9.5 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Not too bad overall.  Have had some bad bouts of nausea, headaches and fatigue, but overall not as bad as some other pregnant women in my life. 

- A little nervous to get to the next U/S and make sure baby is still doing well.  Damn these 4 week waiting periods between appts

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Very excited, but worried we may never chose a name...especially if it's a boy!  We picked out a girl's name almost 2 years ago, and another one a few months back, but we haven't found a single boy's name we both like, and I'm also worrying we never will.

Total weight gain? 

- about 6 lbs from the start of the IVF cycle (4 lbs from the BFP)

Symptoms? 

- Boobies have been a little sore.

- Headaches...I've been having awful, nausea inducing headaches, especially by dinnertime.

- Tummy is almost constantly hungry, and luckily the food aversions seems to be getting much better.

- Cramping...especially since week 8.  Supposedly it is the uterus stretching

The Belly? 

- A bump only I can see, but hubby says he can feel it.  My abdomen, over where the uterus is, has become very hard and I've officially switched to maternity pants.  

Sleep? 

- Still getting very tired, and often napping, though I'm making it through more days without a nap than before.

- Nights are full of 4-5 trips to the bathroom, which isn't fun but I figure it is practice for later nighttime feedings. 

What I miss? 

- Exercise...I have tried going back to the gym, but I get tired and overheated easily and I start cramping which makes me nervous and then I have to stop.  The same thing happens with the prenatal yoga video I bought. 

The Pet Rent Blues

*Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post with kind reassurances.  I think sometimes I get overly thoughtful about things, and forget to just enjoy the moment.  It's a nasty habit, I'm still trying to break.*

On a wholly unrelated topic...
I've been spending a lot of time lately pouring over potential apartments in the Boston area, figuring out what town I most want to live in, what I'm willing to give up, and weighing the importance of different amenities and luxury items in the grand scheme of finding "the right place" for baby makes three.  In all this searching I have come across one item again and again which just brings my blood to boil each and every time...I'm talking about Pet Fees and that mother of all rips-offs, Pet Rent.

I first came across Pet Fees when I moved out to the Chicago area two years ago.  My apartment building wanted $400 in fees, and additional $$$ each month for Pet Rent.  When this news was announced, I nearly choked on the free water they'd handed me during our group tour.  Really, my cat needs to pay rent?  My 8 year old, lazy, sleeps 23 hours a day and never caused a lick of damage to any apartment we've lived in, ever, kitty is gonna cause that much damage in a month that she needs her own private rent?  For the record, I managed to negotiate a deal, and never paid any Pet Fees for my fur-baby, but still it makes me mad. 

While viewing high-rises in the city of Quincy I'm once again faced with these ridiculous fees and extras, and I admit I'm tempted to ask, "So, when my baby starts crawling and ripping up the carpeting for a late afternoon snack, will he/she need to pay extra rent as well?"  But really, why don't we charge extra for babies, like we do for pets?  I'm pretty sure your average toddler can do more damage to a room in 24 hours, that most adult cats will do in a lifetime.  Perhaps this is just another form of discrimination toward people who don't have children...seriously, why should parents get away with their 2 year-olds spoiling the walls, carpets and appliances, while people with pets have to pay just to have their furry friends share their living space?

I'm being a little extreme, I know, but it really does make me mad.  True, SOME pets will cause damage, particularly sharp clawed puppies/kittens or ancient sick ones with failing bladder control, but isn't that why they charge us a security deposit?  The rental communities should just admit it out loud - this is just one more way for them to milk you for money and nothing else!

The Mom in You

In keeping with the theme of my last post...

For Mother's Day, my wonderful sister sent me my usual Mother's Day card, though admittedly this year's had a slightly different theme.  For a few years now, I think probably since my niece was born, my sister has sent me an Aunt Mother's Day card, and each year I've loved receiving them and dreaming for a bit about what it would be like to be, what I thought of as, "a real mom".  It, of course was even better this year when she sent me one dedicated to the mom I'm about to become.  

The card was perfect, showing a glowing new mom holding her baby on the front, and a little girl cradling a very sad looking kitty cat with a bonnet and a pacifier in its mouth on the inside.  The message: "Sometimes it's still hard to believe...my sister, the mother.  It seems like only yesterday you were, 'my sister, the pain-in-the-butt!' Just kidding, Happy Mother's Day!" 

Yes, it's scary but true, I have always babied my cats (including the one I have now), calling them by every endearment known to mankind, and possibly I did try to make my childhood cat into a baby so I could carry her about and feed her (something I believe she interpreted as evil torture).  Yes, I spent years babysitting, yes I love children (well, most children) and yes I've researched possibly too much about pregnancy, childbirth and child psychology to be healthy, but does all this really tell me anything about what I will be like when my own baby comes into this world?

I've started thinking about the people who, seeing me with their kids, have told me, "I can't think of anyone more ready to become a mom then you," or "you know so much about pregnancy and children, you are going to be such a great mom." I have to wonder, do these traits actually qualify me to be a good mom?  It's time...I want to know, who exactly is the mom inside me, and better yet, who is the mother I want to be or will be? 

I know in my heart that I'm already a mother, and I have been for longer than I've had this baby growing inside me, but will I be a good mother?  Will I be able to set the right examples for my children, and create a nurturing environment where they always feel loved, and never question their place in this life or in our family?  Will I be strong enough, or will I fall prey to my own insecurities and trivial/selfish concerns, taking my neurosis and frustrations out on my growing family?

I'm imagining it will be a little of everything, no matter how hard I try, so I'm just hoping, with all my heart, that whatever the case, I'm enough...enough for my children, enough for my husband, enough for myself...and I have to admit, shameful as it feels, it's a little terrifying.   

Mother's Day & a Return to Blogging

I think many of us can agree that Mother's Day is not a fun time of year for an infertile, and especially not for one recovering from a recent loss or failed cycle, so I hope no one will take this the wrong way when I say that I want to wish all of us a very warm, peaceful, stress-free Mother's Day. 

I had a thought this morning, which I've often had before, that as an infertile woman we really are mothers already.  When you've struggled for so long and so hard for child to call your own - compromised and sacrificed, visualized every detail of that life, every moment with your little one - you've already lived as a mother and felt what it is to be one.  You already know your dream child in a way most people take many moons to get to know their flesh and blood children, and you've already loved them beyond anything and cried for the separation between you time and time again.  You would give anything, endure anything, to have that baby safe and warm in your arms.  You are a mother.

Happy Mother's Day to you all -- the amazingly strong, beautiful, mothers I've met here in the IF blog community.

- K


P.S.  I apologize for disappearing for so long.  It's been difficult for me to be on the computer for any length of time - mainly due to 1st trimester nausea and headaches - so I've occasionally lurked but haven't really been up for writing.  I'm starting to feel much better, which of course has me worried that something is wrong with the pregnancy (my husband is assuring me that this is my own craziness), and I hope I'll be able to make a full blogosphere return, especially to follow and cheer on those of you going through or starting IVF cycles.