35 Weeks...almost

One day till I turn 35 weeks.  It is kind of amazing, realizing I'm only 5 weeks from my babies "guess" date, and that she'll actually be here so soon.

Things have been crazy here, and I'm starting to get an inkling that the next five weeks may not be quite as much fun as the last 35...don't get me wrong, everything is fine, I just started getting a lot more late pregnancy symptoms that can be classified as less than enjoyable and sometimes quite uncomfortable.  The important things though: belly is still measuring right on track, baby is active and has a steady heartbeat, and overall everything looks great and completely normal.

I had a an embarrassingly emotional weekend over something I really shouldn't have been so emotional about at all...I'm blaming pregnancy hormones.  It started with my wish of having one of those beautiful maternity photo shoots that I see so so often on the internet.... 

The scenario:
After sorting through several local maternity photographers, and gathering some recommendations, I found what I thought was the perfect one.  She would come to our home, her photos were gorgeous, and she was well priced to boot.  I couldn't believe our luck...apparently, I was too naive to understand that the price did not include actually having ownership over our images and that the cost of getting those images would be astronomically high.  I never asked for a contract, we just made the arrangements by email, and about a week after our fun, Sunday morning photo shoot I received my beautiful pregnancy pictures in a little online slide-show I could temporarily share with family and friends.  

This is where it gets messy...It turns out the price just to get ownership of the high-res digital images: $3,000!  Now, I knew prints (if professionally touched up and everything by her) might be pricey, and an album might be altogether out of our price-range, but I seriously never thought I would not have the original digital images included as part of our initial package (nor did I know she would be touching up each of the 30 we received - hence the added cost for her time).  $3,000 is almost as much as we paid for our wedding photos, and we had thousands of those (over 3 days of shooting), plus a non-expiring slide-show and a giant, beautiful, professionally touched-up album of about 40 of our favorites.  Plus, when we paid for those, we weren't already majorly in debt and expecting a baby.

As I sat there, dumbly staring at the slide-show and evil shopping cart info, and realizing these beautiful images of my little family would be gone, forever, in just a few hours time, I completely fell to pieces.  Some part of me that was still holding onto the emotions of the past two and half years, the dreams that went into making the pregnancy possible, and everything we had been through, just pushed its way to the surface.  I was hysterical crying in a heap on the couch when DH found me, and I felt lower than I can remember feeling in a long time. 

Over the next few hours, DH negotiated with the photographer while I cried on and off and just generally felt like a complete idiot.  They reached an agreement, we would get our images and it would only cost us another $400 dollars on top of what we'd already paid, plus the photographer would keep the money for the newborn shoot which now of course wouldn't be happening.  The cost was huge blow to our fragile budget, even at this far lower price point, but I got my images.

Why were these photos so important to me?  I don't know exactly.  I think somewhere inside me, I felt like these pictures made it all real.  They are shot after shot of this glowing pregnant woman, basking in her round body and in the love of her husband, and just being happy.  There is no evidence anywhere of what it took to get us to this point, of any pain or doubt, and there is nothing in any of these photos that isolates THIS woman or THIS pregnancy as different from any other.  It's just us; captured in this intimate, special moment of expectant joy and peace, and I truly love looking at them.

A stolen screen shot from the slide-show (sorry it's just a silhouette shot, but hubby still wants to keep things on this site as anonymous as possible):

Re-learning to trust

Today, while commenting on a fellow blogger's post about her recent BFP.  I realized something about my own fears, and probably the fears of many infertiles, when first getting that BFP after struggling with infertility for so long.  I think part of what makes our worries so strong, isn't just the terrible, gnawing fear of losing what we've worked towards for so long, but is also the lack of trust we have in our own bodies to do that which they were designed to do.

Infertility, for so many women, represents a failure of our bodies to be able to do something that it seems should be as natural as breathing in and out.  We begin to hate ourselves, doubt our femininity, and hate what we think of as our "broken" bodies, as month after month our hopes at conceiving are not just dashed, but stomped into the dust in a painful, bloody show.  We watch, helpless, as our bodies bleed out yet another month of beautiful dreams of a baby already so real that we can feel the curl of their little hand wrapped around our fingers.  It's a betrayal, a deception!  Our bodies look normal, but inside something is wrong, and we can't help but feel we have failed as a woman, a wife, a girlfriend, etc.

Furthermore, many of us have not only experienced first hand the pain of repeated chemical, ectopic, or blighted ovum pregnancies, miscarriages, cervical issues, preterm labor, and other losses, but we have watcher our sisters in the IF community going through them as well.  So really is it any wonder we find it near impossible to trust our bodies to do what they are supposed to do, once we do find ourselves clutching that positive pee stick?

After holding my own positive pregnancy test, watching to see if the tests would grow darker before even thinking to hope, crying in panicked relief over each successive beta test and then each ultrasound, I quickly realized I had completely lost faith in my body, and I was expecting the worst at every moment.  Doctors, midwives, family, books, all told me the safest place for my little one was and would always be, tucked away in my perfectly designed by nature womb, but it took daily affirmations, the baby reaching viability, and a lot of visits to the OB and midwife, to really begin to believe them.

There will always be fear, I know -- after all, I'm almost 30 now and my own mother and grandmother have never stopped worrying about me -- but at 32 weeks I prefer feeling confident that my body knows what it is doing.  Something could always go wrong, but I prefer to have faith in my womb, in my cervix, and in myself.  I prefer to believe, that regardless of what it took to get here, nature made me perfectly to carry this little one to term and deliver her safely into the world. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is, there is hope for us all, and we can learn to trust our bodies again but it is a long road for any IFer staring down at two pink lines.  In the meanwhile, don't let anyone tell you that you are worrying for nothing, that your fears are silly, or that you should just relax and celebrate.  Take your own time finding your peace with your body and your pregnancy, and enjoy what you can until you are able to enjoy more fully. 

A differet kind of moment

I have to write this message for a special blog friend, Miss Conception, who I found out lost her sweet baby boy and girl today at 20 weeks gestation.  I have already cried my eyes out in shock and devastation over this news.  I don't understand it, I can't understand it.  I can only mourn for her and and for those two angels whose journey I have felt so very much a part of, and whose birth I was so looking forward to celebrating. 

MC, we've gone through so much of this journey together, yet today I feel I can offer you no comfort as I simply can't know your pain.  My heart is aching for you, and I just wish with every fiber of my being that I could somehow give you back your little ones.  In truth, I never knew how connected I have felt to you through this blog, till I found myself hysterical crying over your words.  I am so sorry A, I truly am. 

31 Weeks & New Beginnings

I am truly amazed to be 31 weeks and two days pregnant as of today.  My little girl will be here so soon, and in the meantime I am just enjoying the realization that I am happy.  I don't know why I've been so afraid of that word, "happy"...as if putting that word out there in the world could cause everything to crash down around me.

I want to let go of this fear, I need to.  It isn't fair to myself or my baby to be always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".  Why do it?  Is it so that when something painful happens you can stand on the side and say, "I knew this would happen, it was only a matter of time"?  The craziest part of that is that you aren't actually protecting yourself from potential future pain, but you are missing out on enjoying the present moment...and I intend to continue experiencing every single moment of this pregnancy and this life.

Things are definitely getting tighter in my tummy, sleep is becoming more elusive, and back-pain and heartburn are now my constant companions, but it is all part of the is wondrous thing that is happening in body and I love that.  Every day brings me closer to meeting my daughter - MY DAUGHTER - and that is still so surreal and special and miraculous that I get teary just thinking about it. 

To my baby girl - I love you more than you can possibly imagine.  You are the greatest gift, and there are simply are not enough words, in English or any known language, to express the joy in my heart or the strength of my love for you.  Thank you for coming to us, for being a part of our lives, and for restoring a part of me that I thought was gone forever.

Last week's bump photo:

Can they smell my fear?

 After attending my second prenatal yoga class yesterday, I managed to work up the courage to ask two of the other ladies in attendance, who already seem to know each other, if they would be interested in meeting for some un-caffeinated coffee at some point in the near future.  This may not sound like a huge deal to many of you, but I assure you that for me this was a true milestone in my move back to the Boston area. 

You see, it's goes kinda of like this...I'm new in town, but I have lots of old friends here from when I lived her before.  The problem is that they are mainly working professionals, none of them have children but one, and only one other friend is even married.  Actually, of all my friends all around the globe, my only other pregnant friend lives in India, half a world and a major time zone difference away, and having her own lonely time of it. 

I yearn to talk to other 1st time pregnant women, to share stories, compare notes, meet up in for lunch in our beautiful little town center, and shop for baby stuff without the inevitable groan of misery I have received from every friend or family member I've convinced to go with me, etc., but I just don't know anyone and I've never been the best at starting a conversation with new people.  Usually, in my nervousness, I talk way too much and feel rather silly moments after the conversation ends. 

The craziest part is I moved into Stroller City, USA, where meeting other new moms should be a cinch.  Seriously, how many cities/towns do you know of where almost every store on the local Main Street has a play corner with toddler toys and books?  All I have to do is walk outside my apartment to see moms, dads, grandparents, etc. pushing strollers on all sides of me - often in groups of friends (moms happily chatting, kids playing together...).  I want that too.  I want to be an active part of the new mom club, badge, stickers and all.

I've thought about starting a Meetup Group...still thinking.  Would anyone attend?  I don't know?  I know I will eventually meet friends through play groups, but that is still way off in the future...what about now? 

So, returning to prenatal yoga...I did it, I started the conversation, I asked if they would like to meet up sometime.  Both kindly said sure, and we exchanged phone numbers.  Now I don't know what to do.  If I call too soon, will I seem desperate?  But if I wait, will I lose my opportunity to maybe make some new friends?  An email would have been easier, cause I could float a suggestion about meeting up, or just check in to see how they are doing.  A phone call is so much harder, so definite, and what if they were just being nice and don't really want to meet up at all...Do you see my dilemma?

In other news, I wanted to share a great blog post from my dear sister who lives in NY.  It is kind of a continuation of the discussion of baby shower taboos: http://wrathofthemammagoddess.blogspot.com/


      

28 week update

How far along? 27 Weeks, 6 Days (1.5 hours till 28 weeks)

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Home sick with a bad cold...still...bleh.  Feeling like a can't breathe right between the stuffy nose and my bras getting too tight again. 

 - Lots of heart burn/reflux, and definitely feeling tired pretty easily these days.  

 - Excited to meet my little girl in 12 weeks.  I can't believe we're so close.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Tired...he started a new job here in Boston, and he's traveling each week and working long, long hours.  We started using Facetime to a couple of nights a week to make sure we're talking more, and so the baby can hear his voice.

Total weight gain? 

- approx. 20 lbs...give or take a little weight loss since being sick.

Symptoms? 

- Sleeplessness, mainly from hourly trips to the bathroom and occasionally from sharp kicks to my organs

- Constantly hungry, though this has lessened since being sick

- Tired easily and often

- Did I mention I have heartburn, like all the time

The Belly? 

- Quite big already.  I met a girl the other day who is four weeks ahead of me, and I swear my bump is about the same size or bigger.  

 - My belly also occasionally dances on its own. Some of the kicks are so strong these days that my whole belly bounces around or waves.  It is great fun to watch.

Sleep? 

- See above

What I miss? 

- Exercise, really not getting much these days...and I haven't even been able to return to the new yoga class I joined since I got sick
- My husband, though that isn't pregnancy related
- My shoes and rings...I've been wearing my wedding ring around my neck for a while though, and I just gave up on any other rings (including my beautiful engagement ring).  Also, my feet are a half size larger than they used to be and I can only wear the one new pair of sneakers I bought.  Everything else is in storage.


What I'm looking forward to?
 - Setting up all the baby stuff we've received so far.  I promised myself I would wait another month at least.
 - Seeing my girl for the first time and showering her in kisses. 

Bargain Hunting, Cranky Uteri, and Sickie McSick-face

*Warning, this is mainly a pregnancy post:


Hey Ladies,

I'm finally settled in my new place, and though I'm down with a nasty head cold today, I'm also eagerly expecting delivery of my baby's new co-sleeper bassinet!  This was a major find on Babyearth.com (one of my new favorite sites), as it was sharply discounted simply because the packaging is damaged.  I had really wanted the Arm's Reach Co-sleeper Mini Convertible, but after scouring ebay and Craigslist, had failed to find a used one at a good price -- plenty of Minis to be had, but no mini-convertibles.  I saw this listing and almost cried at my good fortune (a brand new bassinet, extra sheets and mattress cover all for less than the original price of the bassinet = happy Kerri and even happier husband)! 

Actually, in total this week I should be getting my dresser/changer table (a gift from my mom who finally caved on the whole no buying anything for the baby before birth thing), the bassinet and our bedroom/living room furniture (courtesy of a local chain's factory clearance center), so I'm super stoked and looking forward to having things a little more together.  Also, in case anyone else is thinking of buying a Bob Stroller, the company is having an all strollers 15% off sale from now till Sept. 19th.  These strollers NEVER go on sale, and coupons are useless on them as there is always a little "not for use on Bob Strollers" clause, so buy now if you can or encourage that wonderful family member who was planning to buy you this crazy expensive stroller, to buy now while it's on sale -- that's what I did and I am not ashamed...truly (insert mildly sheepish expression here). 

In other news, I am 27 weeks today and baby seems to be doing just fine.  I had two midwife visits recently, one in the emergency triage room at labor and delivery and one normal one.  The pains and everything I had been describing earlier had continued, and then I started having light spotting over a weekend when my usual midwife office is closed -- hence the trip to labor and delivery where the on-call midwife was.  They did one of those FFN tests and it was negative, which was a huge relief, and said my cervix, though a little short, was still completely closed. 
The explanation for the symptoms: a "cranky uterus" (I thought this silly, but apparently there is such a thing as an irritable uterus which is what my midwife was talking about) and a rather low lying baby. 
The solution: I am taking it more easy, drinking lots of water, and wearing a maternity support belt whenever I'm out of the house.  I've also started a prenatal yoga class, which I'm hoping will help strengthen up some of these muscles and bring the baby up a little more. 

I also wanted to mention, in case some of you pregnant ladies are still debating between labor techniques, that I've started doing the Hypnobabies Home Study course (Home study because there aren't any instructors here in MA).  Hypnobabies is kind of similar to Hypnobirthing - if you've heard of that - but it is an "eyes open", active birthing type of hypnosis, as opposed to Hypnobirthing, so you can easily move, change positions and communicate during your labor.  I only know about it because my sister, the Doula, is also a certified Hypnobabies instructor back in NY, and she used this technique herself with her last baby and swears by it.  So far I really like it, though I think I will need a lot more reinforcement before being able to actually feel the level of "anesthesia" or "peace" during my contractions (or "pressure waves") that they like to talk about on the cds.  

If anyone out there is particularly interested in having an un-medicated birth and wants to try something a little different from Bradley or Lamaze, they can let me know and I can either try to answer your questions, or send questions along to my sister who knows a lot more about it than I do.  What I do know about it is that whether the technique ends up completely working for me or not, it is regardless preparing me for labor as well as any birthing class (and costing me about the same too) - including explanations of the stages of labor and everything that will happen in my body - and completely relaxing me whenever I listen to any of the cds.  I fall asleep to them every night - within minutes - and I love doing the scripts at various points during the day when I'm feeling like I need a little rest and extra attention.  Hmm, I'm sounding a little like a commercial, so I'm going to leave it at that. 

Love to all my ladies out there in the Blogosphere.  I can't tell you how happy it makes me that so many of my fellow IF Bloggers, many of whom I've followed for so long, are now pregnant or successfully navigating the adoption route, and yet I know many of you are still waiting on their miracles.  The little sanity I have left I owe to all of you, and I hope to see you ALL with your take home babies before too long.