Chill'n with My Follies

First things first...

I want to apologize for being kinda a lame blogger as of late.  I've actually spent quite a lot of time thinking about posts I would like to write, but when it comes time to actually sit down and write them I just seem to lose focus.  I want to blame the fertility drugs, but I think maybe I'm just being lazy, and getting a little too used to chill'n on the couch with my cat and my happily growing follicles.

Next...

I want to put in a plug for the Fertility Focus Telesummit, starting next week, which will include a couple of my favorite bloggers: Elphaba from Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm, and Katie over at from If to when.  If you haven't signed up already, do check out the schedule.  The whole event is free, so you just need to reserve your spot. 

And Finally...The Fertility Report

Things are just dandy, though I'm now fighting a sinus infection along with the Lurpon side effects...meh is all I have to say about that.  I'm overall still pretty calm, but I do have to admit to having a terrible, pre-first monitoring appointment dream last night, where I was having my ultrasound done in front of a room full of women (women I know from various times in my life).  This all seemed fairly normal, if uncomfortable, but then the nurse told me that my lining wasn't thickening, my follicles had stopped growing and I had been over-suppressed and we would have to cancel the whole thing.  I cried and screamed like a 2 year old throwing a very noisy tantrum, but was told there was nothing they could do.  It was a terrifying dream and I woke up feeling rather anxious and helpless and just wanting to get to the doctor as soon as possible to prove that the dream wasn't real. 

Thankfully, this morning's appointment was actually quick, happy and reasonably painless, and the technician was even kind enough to warn me not to expect too much since I've only been stimming for a few days now.  

The Results:

1) E2 = 162 (up from 28 at my baseline last week).  

 *I believe they want this number to be closer to 1500 by trigger, and I found this tidbit on their site: peak estradiol levels in IVF at the time of HCG are usually between 1000 and 4000 pg/ml.

2) Left ovary = 1 x 8mm follicle, 2 x 7mm follicles, and 12 small follicles

3) Right ovary = 4 x 7mm follicles and 16 small follicles

 * Ideally, there will be at least 8 follicles between 13-20 mm by retrieval, though I'm hoping for quite a bit more!

4) Lining only 3.1mm, but this is apparently fine this early on.

Also, there are some major med modifications today:

225 ius of Follistim - tomorrow lower to 100 ius in am and 75 ius in pm

4 units of Low Dose HCG (never expected to be starting this so early)

5 units of Lupron - same

1 Baby Aspirin - same

Next appointment is for Thursday!

Fertiity Report #1

Just a quick IVF check in....
 
My baseline results: 
1) 34 antrals (down from 46 after one month of BCPs - is that a normal reduction for PCOs?)
2) Estradiol level 28
3) Lh level 2.2
4) Progesterone level 1.5

*Everything looks good!


The plan:
Tonight I'll be reducing my Lupron dosage from 10 to 5 units (thank goodness, maybe it will help with the hot flashes and other issues)
I'll also be starting 125 ius of Follistim!  Yea, finally...time to wake up follies.
First monitoring appointment - Tuesday 3/15 
continuing baby aspirin and Folic acid
 

Lupron, A love Story

 

I would like to begin this post with a short declaration of love for my Lurpon injections.  It is truly amazing how something so small, and seemingly so innocent, can wreak so much havoc create such sensations in my body.  Since Lupron came into my life, I have experienced such flutters of heart, such red-hot flushes of the cheek, pangs of the head, and shifts of emotion as to make even strangers stop and take notice.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, and the world seems aflame with night sweats passion...all because of you, my dear, dear Lupron.

Okay, now onto other delights...
I had my baseline testing this morning, and should hear the stims fertility drug forecast sometime before Friday afternoon.  Wandy, my old friend, was a bit extra cruel this morning while playing hide and seek with my left ovary.  I winced, I cried, thanked the technician for another amazing morning, and went to collect my freshly diluted low dose HCG from the nurse.     

For now, I'm to continue the Lurpon injections, with the aim of starting the Follistim over the weekend on the 12th.  My case is a little high risk with all those sleepy PCO antral follicles, so I think they are just being extra cautious.  I read recently, that my doctor is considered an expert in working with PCO patients, so I'm trying to relax and leave it all in his talented hands - though I admit to still panicking a little and wanting to demand we start stimming earlier.

Lupron side effects aside, things are going pretty smoothly.  I'm feeling safe in this little cocoon of, "I'm doing all I can right now," and really taking this cycle one day at a time.  I feel stronger and calmer, and apparently I'm showing it as both my acupuncturist and therapist commented on my changed demeanor this week. I'm laughing more, crying a lot less, and spending actual quality, cuddly time with my husband.  It's true, I have no libido to speak of, and I might be going a little insane due to lack of sleep (thanks again Lupron), but really, what is that compared to a week of remembering the person I used to be....before all this?

So long suckers!

So I finally got to say so long to those awful, side effect inducing BCPs.  Today was the last day of um, and day three of the Lupron, so now I've just got to look out for AF, and check in with my RE on the 9th for my baseline ultrasound.  

I have become a total pro with the Lurpon shots  I showed off a bit for DH tonight.  This was his first time watching:  
There's me all cool as a cucumber with the needle sticking out of my thigh, and a come hither glance at DH...then there's my hubby, looking like he's seeing a horrific car wreck that he just can't turn away from...I didn't have the heart at that moment to remind him he'll be doing the intramuscular ones.  

In other news, I had a horrid phone conversation this afternoon with a bosom girlfriend of mine.  She has two kids, one toddler and one baby, and an uncanny ability to say the absolute wrong things to her infertile friend.  Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Is that _____ I hear in the background?  She's sounds kind of upset.
Her: Ugh...tell me about it.  Man, are you SURE you want kids.  I mean really, this little one will probably change your mind completely.
Me: (Silently biting lip and thinking of snappy comebacks I would never actually say out loud)

- Later - 

Her: Well, you know, you've never been good with being patient, I think you just need to be patient.  I mean you are young and healthy...are you sure you should be doing IVF?  Is that REALLY necessary at this point...(it continued with great comments about how nice my life must be with so much free time - you know, with not having kids and all - and more, but I won't bore you with the details).

I know I tried to say something - to interject and maybe comment that my doc might know a little more than her, and that she might be a little upset and impatient in my situation, and that, oh yea, of course I don't REALLY need IVF, I'm just doing it because I LOVE shooting myself up with fertility drugs and I was just DYING to waste a CRAP load of money on something that might not even work....Somehow, I never got the chance to say much at all.  She just kept talking, so I just started not listening.

I got off the phone, took a few deep breaths, burned about 360 calories on the elliptical, and practiced my new mantra: "I am grateful for this chance to make a baby.  I am grateful that we have been able to find the money to afford it.  I'm grateful for the advances in science and medicine that are making it possible.  I'm grateful for my supportive friends and family (she would not included in this), and I'm grateful for my life and for my wonderful husband who shares it with me.  

It helped...sort of. 

Lupron, Resolve & and My Fluttery Heart

Last night was an evening of firsts for this IFer...

1st self-given shot!
1st fertility injection
1st shot of Lurpon (let the IVF cycle begin).  My hands were shaking, and I almost called in the husband for back up support, but then, just like that, I jabbed it in and it was over.  It actually didn't hurt, which was a relief, and there was no blood to clean up, or any great to do.

I thought at first that I'd avoided the side effects, that was until I went to get into bed and realized my heart was fluttering like a hummingbird, and my head felt like it might explode.  I tried meditation, movie watching, etc., but I just could not fall asleep.  I finally succumbed to half a Xanax, some Tylenol, and a promise to myself that I would do the shot earlier in the evening the next night and hope for a better outcome. 

The rest of my medication arrived yesterday, and I kid you not when I say I almost fainted when I opened the box.  Here is the pile o' meds and syringes that greeted me, minus the Lurpon which was already in the fridge:

 

The best part was, of course, the free gift of Love and Infertility - thanks Village Pharmacy for assuming my marriage must be falling to pieces around our infertility.  

*actually, an amusing side note.  I had just listened to a Creating a Family podcast with Kristen Magnacca earlier in the day, and was kind of shocked when her book turned up among my fertility medications.

After recovering from the shock of all these meds, I of course decided I needed a photo (for posterity - look kids, this is how you started out), and just to remind myself where all our money has gone.

DH came home a little while later, and surprised me with these:

Mind you, my hubby hates "wasting money" on flowers "that are going to die in a day", so the fact that he brought these home for his half-crazed, anxiety-ridden wife, who absolutely loves flowers in all shapes and sizes, was pretty darn special and the perfect thing to lift my spirits. 

1st Resolve Meeting

This was a pretty special event for me.  I truly enjoyed meeting so many people who really not only understand what I am going through, but who "speak my language".  We talked of everything from IVF protocols, to the emotions of miscarriage, the loss of friends, fears about the future, etc. and we joked and laughed together for a good 3 hours.  I could not have been happier that I went, and I just want to thank them all (though I think only one of you ladies might actually see this - "hi G") for giving me such a great experience.

If you haven't been to one of these meetings yet, and there is one in your area, check it out.  You will feel better for it.    

Happy Thursday everyone!

Plug Me In

 

Just wanted to put in a quick plug for tomorrow night's Chicago area Resolve General Infertility Support Group meeting:

Glenview General Infertility Support GroupMeets the first Wednesday of the month at 7:00PM
Main conference room at Glenview Village Hall
1225 Waukegan Road (lower conference room), Glenview IL 60025
Please RSVP to Nancy at nd102006@hotmail.com or 773.573.2582

This is actually my first time attending a Resolve group support meeting, but I have heard really great things about them, and I'm looking forward to going and meeting the other women and couples involved.  If you are in the area, and at interested you may want to check it out.

K

Rookie Mistake

I made a rookie mistake this morning, and checked my neglected Facebook account.  I thought it would be reasonably safe...silly me.  The last time I signed on, I read that a high school mate who was married this past summer is already in her third trimester.  I sulked but took it in my stride.  Today, after signing on just for the briefest of moment, I read not one, but two pregnancy announcements from two other ladies married just this past summer and fall. 

I asked myself if I'm happy for them...the pitiful answer that came back was a rather bitter sounding "no".  The truth is, I don't know how to be happy for them.  It should have been my turn next.  I put in the time, the emotional and physical capital; so, where's my baby?

Where was their blood, sweat and tears for their baby: their fear, pain, frustration, humiliation, marital pressure and grief?  How come they just get to be parents?

Boy, am I a bitter b*&^h sometimes...ugh , need to get out of the office and soak up some Vitamin D.