Making my move

Hey everyone,

Sorry I've not checked in for so long, but I decided to make a move to Wordpress, and go public, and it's been a slow transition.  My new blog is a parenting after infertility blog, which will include my usual blend of infertility and parenting writing plus product reviews and demonstrations (once I get a tripod for my camera).

I hope some of you will follow me to my new site, and thanks to you all for your amazing support and advice through this journey!

Love,
K

The story continued...

I believe I left off with the epidural kicking in and needing Deme.rol to stop my uncontrollable shaking...

At this point I was pretty exhausted and I did sleep a little.  My husband came to stay in the chair next to me, and my mom and sister went back to the apartment for a little rest (asking to be called in when I was up again and ready to push).  The whole sleeping thing didn't go too well, as I was still feeling pressure, and there was drilling and hammering going on downstairs in the hospital and making a terrible ruckus.  I had headphone earbuds in to try and block out the sound of the construction, as well as the sound of the all the monitors, but it didn't work all that well.  Looking back on it, the construction added a kind of comical element to the ordeal, though at the time I didn't find it all that funny.

After the epidural, I dilated very quickly...from 3.5 to 6 in the first couple of hours, and then to almost full in the next couple.  Within another half hour, that last lip of cervix was gone, and I was told to let them know when I felt the urge to push.  They left the room, and just like that, I felt the urge.  Apparently, Baby S was riding low and bringing on the sensation to push before expected.  I couldn't wait though, I had to push, and so it started.

The first hour was not terrible.  It sucked being on my back because of the epidural.  This was always the thing to avoid, because it makes it more difficult to push the baby out, and works against gravity, but it was what it was.  The midwife had me curl myself up, holding onto the backs of my legs for dear life and bearing down.  I could feel quite a bit, even with the epidural, but it was still early on, and I had rested a bit, so I was doing alright.

The second hour was harder.  I was tired, and things were coming faster and hurting more.  My contractions had never really gotten close enough together to move things along, so they had given me a small amount of Pitoc.in to get the contractions coming faster.  It was working and so was I, though I was getting tired, and Baby S was see-sawing back and forth.  They could see the hair on her head, but she kept slipping back.  They kept telling me to curl around the baby, and that I needed to help her get past the pubic bone, but I was floundering a bit.

It was at this point, at the start of the third hour, that they called in the OB on the floor.  She assessed the situation, explained that Baby S's heart rate was starting to go up very high, and that if I didn't start making more progress, they would have to "help" her out with at least a vacuum or forceps.  All I really heard though was "C--section".  I wanted to cry.  I called out that I didn't want a C-section.  That's when the midwife put on her strict, mean voice and told me exactly what I had to do to prevent any more interventions.  She and my sister (who had arrived with my mom at some point) talked me through the next hour, helping me focus my pushing and find the strength to keep going.  My mom and another, much sweeter, labor nurse, helped hold my legs with each push, and my husband stayed by my head, where I could see him and hold his hand from time to time, just like I'd asked him to. 

By the end of that hour, I had apparently made so much progress that the OB, who had returned to check in, said I could push for one more hour - though that was my limit.  This was it, the final hour.  I again cried out when they said another "hour", as I thought it was almost over and that just seemed liked forever.  I was weak, and exhausted, covered in sweat and starting to believe the baby would never come out, and that I wasn't strong enough to push her out.  I was wrong about all that.

The despair lasted a short time before my sister and the midwife excitedly told me how close I was, how much hair my baby had, and let me reach down to feel the top of herhead.  It freaked me out to do that, but at least I could feel that the end was in sight.  Somewhere inside a voice and strength I didn't know I had, rose up.  I made up my mind that whatever it took, I was going to push this baby out.

I don't know exactly how much longer it took, but somewhere during hour four of pushing, Baby S came out in a warm, exquisite gush.  Before I could absorb what had happened, she was there, on my chest, warm and squirming with life.  Everyone told me she was beautiful, and had a full head of black hair, but I couldn't see her face.  I was flat on my back, and she was still connected to the placenta and couldn't be moved any further.  My husband kissed the top of my head, and it was the sweetest moment of my life.

After the cord was cut, and Baby S was weighed (8lbs, 8oz), we had time to just admire her and take her all in.  I couldn't do much but lie there, as I was still being stitched back up.  Apparently, I had a 2nd degree tear which I never noticed among the other pains when it first happened, but once I was being stitched I definitely took notice. 

That was how Baby S entered this world.  It was horrible and wonderful, painful and beautiful.

My post-partum story is actually crazier, and longer, so I think I will save that for another day.  For now, it feels good just to get this all out.  I needed to write it down and to remember how wonderful that feeling of having pushed her out actually was - how strong and accomplished it made me feel.  Remembering that helps keep me from getting caught up in the awful memories of that 34 hour labor and the horrible kidney infection, ER trauma, and separation from my baby girl that all followed my delivery.

In which I try to get down some of my labor/delivery story

WARNING: This is long post, filled with a lots of less than lovely labor memories.  Though it has a happy ending - a healthy baby girl - those currently pregnant may not want to read it.  I do promise you, however, that my story is not typical of most births.
______________

It has been amazingly difficult to find the time or energy to do much besides sleep, eat and take care of Baby S, but I promised myself I would work on getting some of this story down and I WILL do it.

I'm actually sick at the moment with a nasty cold, and I think Baby S is feeling it too (hoping with every finger and toe crossed that she won't get any sicker than she is right now).  She has been crying and fussy all day and last night wasn't so great either.  It is so sad to see her so inconsolable.  At the moment she is quiet, but I know it won't last long.

The story, or at least part of it:

I woke up the morning of Dec. 19th, at about 4am, with slightly stronger pains than I'd had previously, and I was feeling a little excited but unsure based on the previous few nights of false labor.  By 6am, things were actually feeling a bit regular, and I decided to bring hubby in to do some timing.  The contractions were 7 minutes apart, almost like clockwork, so I called in the reinforcements (mom and sister/doula who needed to drive up to us from NY).  Everything seemed to be moving right along, and the hospital seemed sure that they would see me by later that afternoon.

Five hours later, my sister and mom arrived, and I was still holding steady.  The contractions hadn't really increased much, and timing-wise they were spacing out from 5 minutes apart up to 10 minutes apart.  We all settled in for a long wait, my sister went on liquids patrol - offering me fluids after every contraction - and I started to relax into the rhythm.  By evening, we were baking chocolate chip cookies (a Christmas family tradition), but I was needing lots of breaks as the pains were getting slightly stronger if not closer together.  The midwives suggested I try to sleep and even wanted me to take an Ambi.en if need be.  I couldn't tell if my waters had ruptured, and I was starting to feel anxious.

Around 11:30pm, I went to bathroom, and "POP!" "GUSH!", my membranes truly ruptured.  It was so startling and strong a sensation that I became shaky on my feet and had to call my sister in inspect the fluid and make sure all was well.  After that the pains became much stronger and I started getting nervous and antsy to get to the hospital.

Unfortunately, when we arrived at the birth center, they sent me into a triage room...something I thought wouldn't happen in the birthing center, and which meant staying 30 minutes on my back, in a small room, with the nastiest labor nurse ever, and pain coming seemingly from everywhere.  I was scared, I wanted to get up and move and I also wanted to stay in the bathroom as I kept feeling the intense need to go, I wanted my family back around me, I was in pain and I was starting to feel the intense urge to vomit.  The nurse brought over a wastebasket, but it stank of antibacterial products and I couldn't put my face near it.  I was shaking horribly by this point, and starting to freak out.

I was informed that the room with the birth tub was in use, and wouldn't be available to me...something I knew might happen, but I was still so upset to hear it.  I was taken to my room where I got into the tub and tried to relax.  It didn't work.  I was so tense, and I still kept feeling those strong urges to go the bathroom (both 1 and 2, sorry for the TMI), so I had to keep getting out of the tub into the cold bathroom and shivering on the toilet while my sister wrapped towels around me.  My sister tried to talk me through each wave, but I was losing my grip on reality.  I was beyond tired, and feeling like there was not a single break between contractions, even though there were in actuality.

I had told my husband, actually before I got into the tub, that I wanted an epidural.  The midwife and everyone else was totally against it.  I was only 3 cm dilated (after almost 24 hours of labor), and they said it was too soon and not what I had said I wanted.  I didn't want to hear it, but they promised me the tub would help.  After being in the tub did little to calm me or help with the labor pains and dilation, I truly went nuts and started begging for pain medication.  I explained that they could all stop worrying about my birth plan, and that I had in fact put it in my birth plan that though I didn't want pain meds offered to me by anyone, I was not against taking them under extreme circumstances or a very long labor...this could be categorized as both.

After crying and begging, they said they would get me the epidural.  The news that the drugs were coming somehow zapped the last of my strength, and  at that point I folded in on myself and seemed to completely give in to the pain and panic..fear, of course, being the worst thing for managing pain.  The anesthesiologist was held up with an emergency, and I began to cry thinking about how many more contractions I would have to feel before he arrived to take the pain away.  I dreaded each one, and could do little more than lie in a fetal position and cling to the closest warm body while screaming for help.

The anesthesiologist arrived, and thankfully his kindness made up for my coarse, nasty labor nurse.  Everyone else was forced to leave the room, and I had to cling to the nurse who seemed to find my clinging repulsive.  He worked quickly, though not fast enough to prevent more waves of pain from wracking my body, and I struggled to be still while the catheter was put in.  Finally the medication started to kick in, and for a little while I let the pain and fear go.  Unfortunately, I then started to shake/shiver so hard that I can only compare it to having a seizure.  Everything convulsed, violently, and I found it hard to get air (this can apparently happen with an Epidural).  The only thing that calmed the shaking was two dosings of Demerol added to my drip, and finally my teeth unclenched and my body truly relaxed. 

Okay, Baby is hungry, so this post will have to be continued later...

Short update

Just wanted to let everyone know that Baby S is here, and beautiful, and healthy.

After a very long, difficult labor my heart exploded in pure ecstasy on the afternoon of Dec. 20th, when my 8lb 8oz, perfect, healthy daughter was laid across my chest with her umbilical cord still pulsing.  Unfortunately it's been a difficult battle ever since for my already sleep deprived and battered body, including a secondary hospital stay for me (right after being discharged from post-par tum) with a terrible kidney infection that I'm still fighting.  I'm home now, but I can't write much just yet.  Trying to enjoy what time I can with my little love and trying to heal.  Will give the full story soon.

We may have lift off!

Contractions started early this morning, and have been fairly steady, though they spread out a bit there in the middle.  Right now I'm trying to get them back down to where they were - at 7 minutes apart - by keeping active, but I'm still getting some 9-10 min apart ones here and there.  Fingers crossed that this baby will be here before the end of the day!

Update

Hey Everyone,

Just a little update on today's appt., and the ultrasound.  Everything went great.  The baby passed her bio-physical profile with flying colors, and my fluid levels are doing fine, so there is no push to force this baby out.  We couldn't see much on the ultrasound since she is now so big and completely filling my uterus, but I did get a take home pic of the sweet little foot that's been poking me sharply in the side for a while now.  Her head was too low to see anything but the outline of her chin, but the tech showed us how the baby is practicing breathing, which was pretty neat to watch.

I was 1 cm dilated, and very effaced (she didn't give a %age but said my cervix was super short), so the midwife did a little membrane sweep in hopes of helping move things along.  Other than lots of cramping this afternoon I haven't noticed any changes yet -- supposedly if you are already moving in that direction, it can speed up the onset of labor, but we'll see.

Right now, I'm trying to relax and ignore the crampiness.  I didn't sleep a wink last night (thank goodness for AMC having a middle of the night 80s movie marathon), so I did a little cat-napping this afternoon, and talked to a local acupuncturist about coming in tomorrow to maybe help with both the sleeping and the labor onset.

That's all the news right now.  Will be keeping you posted.

Sleepy Scare

This post comes with a little warning about taking sleeping pills when you are pregnant: Give the pills to someone else to hold onto!


So, after skipping one night of the Ambi.en, I decided to go back to taking it last night.  Now, I could swear I only took one pill, and then watch a tv program for a bit till I literally was seeing double and walking like drunk.  I went to sleep, and had one of the best nights of sleep I can remember having in a VERY long time.  I hardly woke up, and each time I did, I fell easily back to sleep after a quick, stumbling trip to the bathroom.  Then, this morning I had a terrible time trying to wake.  I was still seeing double, and I wound up napping through almost the whole day.  By evening, I finally woke enough to have a light bite to eat and drink down some much need fluids.  That was when I noticed the baby hadn't been moving at all...

I had some cold OJ, and a toast with jelly...nothing but one small twitter.  I started to get worried.  Why had I slept so much, why was a I still groggy, and could I have done something to effect the baby besides just making her a little sleepier than usual?  I went and counted my pills and one was missing -- I'd only taken them for four nights, but five pills were gone.  Now, I had read online that Ambi.en can cause amnesia, but surely I would have remembered taking two doses instead of one, wouldn't I?!?

I tried for a little while longer to get the baby to move, and then called the midwife.  She had me come in for a NST, so off we went to the hospital.  At first, there was only a little movement, mainly when I had a contraction, but overall non of those nice upticks in activity that they were looking for even after cold water and lots of poking.  The midwife agreed that I might have taken an extra Ambi.en, and just not remember it, but they still seemed a little concerned about the baby.  Then, something wonderful happened...my stomach growled loudly (mind you I'd hardly eaten all day), and it woke the baby with a jolt.  Her heart rate bounced right up beautifully, and I started to feel her wiggle about. 

There was collective laughter round the room, as the monitor continued to show the baby dancing about in her startled state, and after a promise that I would come in for an ultrasound early tomorrow morning (just to be sure everything is good), we were released to go find some dinner. 

I'm home now, and having some more major cramps and tightening sensations - probably the same false labor I've had the last few nights running, but who knows. I'm hopeful that we will hear tomorrow that my cervix has made some progress, and in the meantime, no more Ambi.en for me, at least not for a few days, and I'm giving the bottle to my hubby to hold onto so that I can not screw this up again. 

Reflections

Today is a strangely quiet day.  I'm 40 weeks, I've reached my baby's due date, and I guess that somehow made me think today would be different from yesterday or the day before.  I don't know what I expected, but somehow it seems like there should be a celebration, balloons, cake, maybe a parade....
Instead, I woke to a silent home, my husband already deep in his computer, and my cat ignoring me for the patch of warm sunshine on the floor near my bed.

I've been feeling rather hormonal, almost premenstrual, and endlessly frustrated by how patient everyone else around me is.  A chuckle, a laugh and a, "don't worry, she'll come when she's ready" comment...one more of those and I might rip the hair from my head and truly lose my mind. 

At the same time, today is the 2 month anniversary of a dear fellow blogger's loss of her 20 week gestation twins...a beautiful boy and girl, who never had the chance to make it to the point my own little one has.  It cuts into my heart like a knife to think of the pain and loss this family has endured...to think of going into labor with the knowledge that giving birth will mean death not life.  It is too horrible, too cruel, and I truly wish I had some magic spell to take away the pain and grief that they must feel today and everyday.

...As I said, it is strangely quiet for a such an important day. 

To my own baby girl  I love you more and more with every moment and every breath.  I am only so impatient because I worry, and because I long to see your face and hold your hand in mine.  You are a part of me, the most important part, now and forever. 

Addendum to last post

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to quickly apologize if my last post seemed overly whiny.  I did finally get a little sleep last night, with the help of the Amb.ien, and today it is like I'm seeing the sun for the first time in a long time.  It is amazing how sleep deprivation messes with your head.

It's not that I've been feeling sorry for myself for the sleep issues, or feeling negative or ungrateful about being pregnant, it is just my intense fear, now so near my due date, that all the sleep deprivation will cause problems with having a healthy labor and delivery...which is not an unfounded fear according to my midwives.

I've had sleep difficulties throughout pregnancy, as does pretty much everyone who goes through it, but these last couple of weeks have been different.  I literally have not been able to sleep longer than 30 minutes to an hour (at most) at a time, and even those brief periods are generally few and very broken up.  As of yesterday I was such a mess that I felt like I could easily cry at the drop of a hat, and could barely do anything but lie on the couch and whimper; any little pain or discomfort was making me react like a toddler who had skinned their knee (as in complete, end of world breakdown).  That woman would not have survived an hour of pre-labor, let alone a full labor and delivery. 

Today, after a much better night's sleep, including one almost 4 hour stretch, I feel like a new woman.  I'm still groggy, but my muscles are rested, my brain is working again, and I feel positive and ready to birth this baby. 

Anyway, I just wanted to add this little addendum; just in case anyone was reading my post yesterday, and feeling angered or insulted by my complaints.  Please know that I do realize how incredibly lucky I am to even be here, dealing with these issues.

Best,
KerriK

Ambi.en Please Help Me!

My sleep situation is officially out of control.  I haven't been able to sleep more than an hour or sometimes half hour at a time for over a week now, and I'm still only sleeping about 4 or 5 hours total in any given 24 hour period (that includes day-time naps). I'm starting to go to pieces, emotionally and physically and I know my body and mind are in no fit state to go into labor.
I've tried hot baths, massage, yoga, exercise, meditation, herbal remedies, teas, etc., and nothing helps...my skin crawls with Restless Leg Syndrome issues (which really should be called restless whole body syndrome), my hand are horribly painful and uncomfortable from the carpel tunnel issues, and my leg cramps have now become completely impossible to sleep through.  Add to that the incredible pressure on my bladder, and needing to pee every 20 minutes, and you have a typical night for me at this point.  I swear sometimes I get so tired that my brain literally falls asleep for seconds at a time in between body twitches and leg readjustments -- this is something that can sometimes go on for hours. 

After yesterday's midwife appointment, I was instructed to take a Bene.dryl and cut out fluids about 3 hours before bedtime.  I tried that, and still my sleep was an epic fail.  The difference this time, I was dehydrated and so tired, cranky and strung out from the medicine, that I starting crying like a baby after trying to sleep for over 2 hours and failing miserably. 

Today, the midwives called in the big guns - I've been prescribed Ambi.en, and told not to worry if I still only sleep 3-4 hours on it, so long as that sleep is consecutive.  I told her, I would be so happy to sleep 3 hours consecutively that I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. They also had me pick up so homeopathic remedies to help with leg cramps and RLS.

I'm scared is all still won't work.  I'm terrified that I will need to be sedated and catheterized, and they'll have to cut me open to get this baby out.  I have worked so hard towards having this baby naturally, and all I can think about now is ending up in surgery with a C-section because I am too tired to think straight or even hold my own body weight anymore.  My muscles are exhausted, my brain is exhausted, and I just don't know what to do. 

My husband is picking up the Ambi.en now, and my plan is to have dinner, cut off the fluids for a couple of hours, take the meds and hope for the best.  Generally, the RLS doesn't quiet till around 3am, but maybe I can beat it from even settling in if I go to bed early.  The midwife suggested waiting till 2am to take it, but I just can't.  I need to sleep now just in case this baby decides to come in the next 24 hours. 

Becoming the Trigger

I had a terrible realization the other day, while attending a friend's party, that just by being pregnant I have unwittingly become the trigger of many of those awful, uncomfortable conversations infertiles most hope to avoid -- questions about when a couple are planning to have kids.  It isn't that I start these conversations, just that people are talking to me, and then automatically make the jump to that couple in the room considered, "next in line", cornering them into a conversation about their own plans for making babies.  Numerous times already this has happened, and I wind up just standing there, like a deer in headlights, not sure at all of what to do.  Once it happens, I feel I'm technically part of the group now cornering this poor couple, and I can't get out of it or get away. 

It is really amazing how inappropriate a question it is to ask, under almost any circumstance (barring hearing it from your doctor who only wants to know for medical reasons), and I just can't conceive how anyone thinks it is really any of their business.  The worst part of all, I feel it is my fault the question was ever asked in the first place, and now that couple is staring me down like I'm a dog who just drank all the toilet water and then licked them on the face.

Now, I know many of these couples are probably not infertile, but I'm sure they still didn't sign up for 20 questions about their plans for offspring.  In this specific instance - at my friend's party - the couple in question obviously has some sort of issues surrounding the topic (including possibly the husband not being ready while the wife is), and the conversation quickly turned even more awkward while they had their own little mini-quarrel via knowing glances and nervous laughter.  It was a nightmare, and I was there, right in the middle - the prize pregnant idiot.
*************

On a different note - I've been incredibly open about our fertility struggles with my new group of friends (some ladies I met via my Pregnancy and New Mom Meetup Group). and I'm wondering if I'm actually making them uncomfortable with my tales of IVF and Clomid.  I wanted to be open for several reasons, 1) in case there are others in the group who went through similar ordeals and want to chat, 2) because I'm not ashamed and I am tired of hiding, and 3) because I hope by being so matter-of-fact about it and giving out factual information, I'm actually helping the cause.  Now, I'm wondering if it was too much info too soon, and whether or not I created an awkward situation for everyone else by bringing it up. 

Here is the situation: 
We were actually discussing when each of us conceived and what was going on at the time, etc.  A couple of them were cases of, "the first time we had unprotected sex", and once they found out about my struggles, I could actually see them turn red with fear they'd said something wrong.  One of them actually apologized to me for it, expressing that she hoped I didn't think her totally rude and callous.  I didn't really know how to respond to that. 
I told them not to worry, and that it was fine, but the awkwardness was already out there, circulating in the room, and the conversation had to be quickly turned to other topics. 
******

Finally, a little update...Things are pretty much the same over here, as we continue the waiting game.  I have my midwife appointment tomorrow.  I know she isn't really going to be able to tell me much more, so I don't know why I'm still feeling so excited to go.  Perhaps, in my heart of hearts, I'm hopeful she'll tell me I'm actually making major progress, but I think I would know if something were really going on down there.  Also, they probably won't do another cervical check till my 40 week visit, so the entire appointment will really just be some questions about cramping and discharge, a quick listen to baby's heartbeat and a reminder of what to look out for and when to call. 

I'm really not as crazed as I probably sound on here.  I want to get things moving, but I'm also cool if things go a little longer.  I really, really don't want to be induced, so I might start panicking if things go too long, but for right now baby still has some time in there before my medical team starts getting antsy. 

Ms. Rancic and 39 week happenings

I wanted to start off this post by sending a little love to the TV personality Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill.  The poor woman has been through so much, and yet she continues to do so much as a voice for the infertility community.  She has been and continues to be, incredibly public about each and every detail of her medical journey...even now when she has had to make the painful decision to go through a double mastectomy in order to not only save her life, but to also give her some hope of still conceiving a child at some point in the future. All I can say is that I wish her and Bill all the best and I truly hope they are able to conceive and have a healthy child once this terrible cancer is defeated.  

In other news:
I've made it to 39 weeks, and so far this little one doesn't seem ready to make her debut.  I've tried all the tricks, but it's no go.  I can only assume my little lady is comfy as can be, and has decided to stick around inside for awhile.  I got a little excited by a particularly strong Braxton Hicks contraction earlier today, but it seems it was just the one, and now we are back to the usual, less exciting belly tightening routine.
 
One odd but kind of neat thing that has happened, and it might be TMI, just as a warning...
After trying out some Medela soft shells, in order to prepare my slightly inverted nipples for the task of feeding my bub, I noticed some milk had leaked into one of the shells.  Apparently I had expressed it after wearing the shell for just a couple of hours.  Part of me was worried that I'd somehow done something wrong, and should stop wearing them, but the other part was just fascinated that my breasts had actually produced something.  I felt incredibly proud of my breasts (hey, they work!) and of my body, and even more confident that I am ready for this next step. 


I've been thinking more and more about our two frosties, wondering if we will need to use them or will some miracle happen along the way, wondering if they won't actually be enough and we will find ourselves faced with doing a fresh IVF cycle, and wondering if we didn't use them, what we would do with them.  It seems so strange to think of those two little embryos, and to realize that if we make siblings from them, those siblings will actually have been conceived on the same day as our first baby, but one had to be chosen to come first, and so that one was picked while the others waited in cold storage.  How do you explain that to your children?

I am trying to avoid having feelings for those frosties, as I know they may never actually take hold in my uterus and become babies, but it still seems so odd to think of them just "out there", in the world, in a freezer somewhere in IL.  Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just losing it?

38 Weeks - this is really happening!

I want to start this post by quickly mentioning how amazed I still am that this is really all happening.  I was playing with the baby's foot again today - she likes to poke it through my right side from time to time - and I couldn't help thinking, "any day now and she'll be here...any day...holy cow!"  I'm so terribly excited and admittedly a little scared.  It's just such a great blessing, and I don't know how it is that I could actually be here about to meet this little angel...
 

My 38 week midwife appointment today was a little disappointing...I greedily pushed for another cervical check, and my cervix, though softening, has not really made any progress in the last two weeks.  I know I should just be patient and not ask for any more checks, but then my curiosity and excitement gets the better of me.  The midwife gives me another week at least, so hubby and I are gonna go ahead and make some more plans for the coming weeks and try to stay busy so I don't obsess too much. 

The awesome news:  Baby is still doing great!  My little champ's heart beat is strong and healthy, and she is still pretty active even though she has even less room than before and has dropped a bit further down.   I also received a second box of clothes from my sister (stuff my niece and nephew wore early on), and after doing a ton of laundry, I now think I have enough clothes to change this baby three times a day and still not do laundry again for a week!  It is funny that I was so worried we'd have nothing to put her in.  I hadn't bought much clothes at all.  I didn't fully realize just how much accumulated clothes my sister has from her two kids (especially if I don't mind putting my little girl in some of my nephew's more boyish stuff). I will post some pics later when I'm home, just to give you all the full feel.

The nursery is still not really put together, but I just have to accept that it won't be - at least not for a long while.  We are keeping her in a Co-sleeper bassinet in our bedroom for as long as possible, so other than her changing table/dresser, there isn't really anything "baby" about the baby's bedroom - especially as we are also using it as a guest room and my husband's been spending many a night in there in order to not be woken by me ten times a night.  The crib is still in a box, along with the overpriced but beautiful bedding set my wonderful friends chipped in to get me from the Land of Nod, the swing and seat from my sister are leaning haphazardly against the wall, we can't paint in our rental so the walls are white as can be, and since nursery decor isn't really a necessity right now there just isn't a budget for it whatsoever.  It's sad not to have that "dream nursery", but really in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter to me all that much. 

The only bad news right now:  I seriously can't sleep.  Last night, I was finally able to really sleep (as opposed to drifting for a few minutes and then waking again) by 6am, and even then I woke three times to use the bathroom between 6 and when my alarm went off at 9.  I don't know what is going on.  I know I was nesting like crazy yesterday, so maybe that restlessness contributed to it.  I also wasn't feeling so great through the night (Restless Legs, Carpel Tunnel, leg cramps, nausea, stomach pain, overheated, etc.), so I'm sure that didn't help.  I joke about how it's getting me ready for the after the baby is here, but it is pretty serious when you think that I could go into labor at any moment, and I'd be starting out already way over-tired and sleep-deprived.   My midwife was a little concerned, and recommended I try to catch up on sleep as soon as I get home today - which should be around 3 - but then I worry that will make it hard to sleep again tonight and continue the vicious cycle.  Perhaps I should just take it where I can get it.  If my body lets me rest at 3pm, but is up again at 3am, so be it. 

To my cycle sister/due date buddies, Miss Mac and Foxy, I hope all our little ones come soon, easily and in perfect health and thanks for traveling this road with me.  And to Miss Elphaba, I hope the fact that we haven't heard from you in a couple of days means that your little girl has decided to make her appearance!

KerriK

Bad blogger

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger and commenter lately.  It's been such a whirlwind here these last couple of weeks - with my baby shower, birthday getaway, Thanksgiving, out of town guests, and just being tired a lot of the time - and I feel like time keeps getting away from me.

The shower was beautiful, though I did miss having my family there.  One of my close friends hosted it, and she did a whole book theme, including adorable book streamers (see photo below) and having each guest bring a children's book they love with a message to the baby inside.

My sister, who wanted to be a part of the event but couldn't, was able to Sky*pe in during the gift opening.  It was so nice seeing her and my beautiful niece and nephew peeping through the computer screen - almost like they were there in the room with us.

The following week we had a visit from one of DH's relatives from India, and then we were off for a last Baby-Moon weekend for my 30th birthday.  We spent two days in Portsmouth, NH, just a short drive from home, and probably the perfect low-key destination that I needed. 

It is so exciting to see so many fellow bloggers doing so well.  I was so happy to read that both AP from My Dusty Uterus and All You Knew Was Love, have both delivered healthy babies and are doing great.  Mazel Tov ladies!

Not too much to report over here.  I'm 37.5 weeks, and baby hasn't dropped, so I don't think things will be getting started too soon.  I'm having awful carpel tunnel issues from all the swelling, and also rib pain on my left side, but so far both have been fairly manageable with Hypnobabies meditations, Tylenol and ice packs.  The restless leg syndrome stuff is probably the worst thing, as it means even more insomnia, and nothing seems to help ease it.  I just have to wait it out, even if that means not sleeping till 3am.  It isn't so terrible, since I'm not working and can nap during the day usually, but it makes me worried that I'll be sleepy and exhausted before even starting labor and that it could lead to me needing medical intervention during labor that I don't want.  I'm probably just worrying too much and over-analyzing, as usual...

Anyway, for the time being I'm trying to get in walks every day, drinking Red Raspberry Lead Tea, swallowing nightly Evening Primrose Oil tablets, and practicing my squats, so now it is just a waiting game...the countdown to finally seeing the face of my little girl. 


Kerrik

35 Weeks...almost

One day till I turn 35 weeks.  It is kind of amazing, realizing I'm only 5 weeks from my babies "guess" date, and that she'll actually be here so soon.

Things have been crazy here, and I'm starting to get an inkling that the next five weeks may not be quite as much fun as the last 35...don't get me wrong, everything is fine, I just started getting a lot more late pregnancy symptoms that can be classified as less than enjoyable and sometimes quite uncomfortable.  The important things though: belly is still measuring right on track, baby is active and has a steady heartbeat, and overall everything looks great and completely normal.

I had a an embarrassingly emotional weekend over something I really shouldn't have been so emotional about at all...I'm blaming pregnancy hormones.  It started with my wish of having one of those beautiful maternity photo shoots that I see so so often on the internet.... 

The scenario:
After sorting through several local maternity photographers, and gathering some recommendations, I found what I thought was the perfect one.  She would come to our home, her photos were gorgeous, and she was well priced to boot.  I couldn't believe our luck...apparently, I was too naive to understand that the price did not include actually having ownership over our images and that the cost of getting those images would be astronomically high.  I never asked for a contract, we just made the arrangements by email, and about a week after our fun, Sunday morning photo shoot I received my beautiful pregnancy pictures in a little online slide-show I could temporarily share with family and friends.  

This is where it gets messy...It turns out the price just to get ownership of the high-res digital images: $3,000!  Now, I knew prints (if professionally touched up and everything by her) might be pricey, and an album might be altogether out of our price-range, but I seriously never thought I would not have the original digital images included as part of our initial package (nor did I know she would be touching up each of the 30 we received - hence the added cost for her time).  $3,000 is almost as much as we paid for our wedding photos, and we had thousands of those (over 3 days of shooting), plus a non-expiring slide-show and a giant, beautiful, professionally touched-up album of about 40 of our favorites.  Plus, when we paid for those, we weren't already majorly in debt and expecting a baby.

As I sat there, dumbly staring at the slide-show and evil shopping cart info, and realizing these beautiful images of my little family would be gone, forever, in just a few hours time, I completely fell to pieces.  Some part of me that was still holding onto the emotions of the past two and half years, the dreams that went into making the pregnancy possible, and everything we had been through, just pushed its way to the surface.  I was hysterical crying in a heap on the couch when DH found me, and I felt lower than I can remember feeling in a long time. 

Over the next few hours, DH negotiated with the photographer while I cried on and off and just generally felt like a complete idiot.  They reached an agreement, we would get our images and it would only cost us another $400 dollars on top of what we'd already paid, plus the photographer would keep the money for the newborn shoot which now of course wouldn't be happening.  The cost was huge blow to our fragile budget, even at this far lower price point, but I got my images.

Why were these photos so important to me?  I don't know exactly.  I think somewhere inside me, I felt like these pictures made it all real.  They are shot after shot of this glowing pregnant woman, basking in her round body and in the love of her husband, and just being happy.  There is no evidence anywhere of what it took to get us to this point, of any pain or doubt, and there is nothing in any of these photos that isolates THIS woman or THIS pregnancy as different from any other.  It's just us; captured in this intimate, special moment of expectant joy and peace, and I truly love looking at them.

A stolen screen shot from the slide-show (sorry it's just a silhouette shot, but hubby still wants to keep things on this site as anonymous as possible):

Re-learning to trust

Today, while commenting on a fellow blogger's post about her recent BFP.  I realized something about my own fears, and probably the fears of many infertiles, when first getting that BFP after struggling with infertility for so long.  I think part of what makes our worries so strong, isn't just the terrible, gnawing fear of losing what we've worked towards for so long, but is also the lack of trust we have in our own bodies to do that which they were designed to do.

Infertility, for so many women, represents a failure of our bodies to be able to do something that it seems should be as natural as breathing in and out.  We begin to hate ourselves, doubt our femininity, and hate what we think of as our "broken" bodies, as month after month our hopes at conceiving are not just dashed, but stomped into the dust in a painful, bloody show.  We watch, helpless, as our bodies bleed out yet another month of beautiful dreams of a baby already so real that we can feel the curl of their little hand wrapped around our fingers.  It's a betrayal, a deception!  Our bodies look normal, but inside something is wrong, and we can't help but feel we have failed as a woman, a wife, a girlfriend, etc.

Furthermore, many of us have not only experienced first hand the pain of repeated chemical, ectopic, or blighted ovum pregnancies, miscarriages, cervical issues, preterm labor, and other losses, but we have watcher our sisters in the IF community going through them as well.  So really is it any wonder we find it near impossible to trust our bodies to do what they are supposed to do, once we do find ourselves clutching that positive pee stick?

After holding my own positive pregnancy test, watching to see if the tests would grow darker before even thinking to hope, crying in panicked relief over each successive beta test and then each ultrasound, I quickly realized I had completely lost faith in my body, and I was expecting the worst at every moment.  Doctors, midwives, family, books, all told me the safest place for my little one was and would always be, tucked away in my perfectly designed by nature womb, but it took daily affirmations, the baby reaching viability, and a lot of visits to the OB and midwife, to really begin to believe them.

There will always be fear, I know -- after all, I'm almost 30 now and my own mother and grandmother have never stopped worrying about me -- but at 32 weeks I prefer feeling confident that my body knows what it is doing.  Something could always go wrong, but I prefer to have faith in my womb, in my cervix, and in myself.  I prefer to believe, that regardless of what it took to get here, nature made me perfectly to carry this little one to term and deliver her safely into the world. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is, there is hope for us all, and we can learn to trust our bodies again but it is a long road for any IFer staring down at two pink lines.  In the meanwhile, don't let anyone tell you that you are worrying for nothing, that your fears are silly, or that you should just relax and celebrate.  Take your own time finding your peace with your body and your pregnancy, and enjoy what you can until you are able to enjoy more fully. 

A differet kind of moment

I have to write this message for a special blog friend, Miss Conception, who I found out lost her sweet baby boy and girl today at 20 weeks gestation.  I have already cried my eyes out in shock and devastation over this news.  I don't understand it, I can't understand it.  I can only mourn for her and and for those two angels whose journey I have felt so very much a part of, and whose birth I was so looking forward to celebrating. 

MC, we've gone through so much of this journey together, yet today I feel I can offer you no comfort as I simply can't know your pain.  My heart is aching for you, and I just wish with every fiber of my being that I could somehow give you back your little ones.  In truth, I never knew how connected I have felt to you through this blog, till I found myself hysterical crying over your words.  I am so sorry A, I truly am. 

31 Weeks & New Beginnings

I am truly amazed to be 31 weeks and two days pregnant as of today.  My little girl will be here so soon, and in the meantime I am just enjoying the realization that I am happy.  I don't know why I've been so afraid of that word, "happy"...as if putting that word out there in the world could cause everything to crash down around me.

I want to let go of this fear, I need to.  It isn't fair to myself or my baby to be always waiting for the "other shoe to drop".  Why do it?  Is it so that when something painful happens you can stand on the side and say, "I knew this would happen, it was only a matter of time"?  The craziest part of that is that you aren't actually protecting yourself from potential future pain, but you are missing out on enjoying the present moment...and I intend to continue experiencing every single moment of this pregnancy and this life.

Things are definitely getting tighter in my tummy, sleep is becoming more elusive, and back-pain and heartburn are now my constant companions, but it is all part of the is wondrous thing that is happening in body and I love that.  Every day brings me closer to meeting my daughter - MY DAUGHTER - and that is still so surreal and special and miraculous that I get teary just thinking about it. 

To my baby girl - I love you more than you can possibly imagine.  You are the greatest gift, and there are simply are not enough words, in English or any known language, to express the joy in my heart or the strength of my love for you.  Thank you for coming to us, for being a part of our lives, and for restoring a part of me that I thought was gone forever.

Last week's bump photo:

Can they smell my fear?

 After attending my second prenatal yoga class yesterday, I managed to work up the courage to ask two of the other ladies in attendance, who already seem to know each other, if they would be interested in meeting for some un-caffeinated coffee at some point in the near future.  This may not sound like a huge deal to many of you, but I assure you that for me this was a true milestone in my move back to the Boston area. 

You see, it's goes kinda of like this...I'm new in town, but I have lots of old friends here from when I lived her before.  The problem is that they are mainly working professionals, none of them have children but one, and only one other friend is even married.  Actually, of all my friends all around the globe, my only other pregnant friend lives in India, half a world and a major time zone difference away, and having her own lonely time of it. 

I yearn to talk to other 1st time pregnant women, to share stories, compare notes, meet up in for lunch in our beautiful little town center, and shop for baby stuff without the inevitable groan of misery I have received from every friend or family member I've convinced to go with me, etc., but I just don't know anyone and I've never been the best at starting a conversation with new people.  Usually, in my nervousness, I talk way too much and feel rather silly moments after the conversation ends. 

The craziest part is I moved into Stroller City, USA, where meeting other new moms should be a cinch.  Seriously, how many cities/towns do you know of where almost every store on the local Main Street has a play corner with toddler toys and books?  All I have to do is walk outside my apartment to see moms, dads, grandparents, etc. pushing strollers on all sides of me - often in groups of friends (moms happily chatting, kids playing together...).  I want that too.  I want to be an active part of the new mom club, badge, stickers and all.

I've thought about starting a Meetup Group...still thinking.  Would anyone attend?  I don't know?  I know I will eventually meet friends through play groups, but that is still way off in the future...what about now? 

So, returning to prenatal yoga...I did it, I started the conversation, I asked if they would like to meet up sometime.  Both kindly said sure, and we exchanged phone numbers.  Now I don't know what to do.  If I call too soon, will I seem desperate?  But if I wait, will I lose my opportunity to maybe make some new friends?  An email would have been easier, cause I could float a suggestion about meeting up, or just check in to see how they are doing.  A phone call is so much harder, so definite, and what if they were just being nice and don't really want to meet up at all...Do you see my dilemma?

In other news, I wanted to share a great blog post from my dear sister who lives in NY.  It is kind of a continuation of the discussion of baby shower taboos: http://wrathofthemammagoddess.blogspot.com/


      

28 week update

How far along? 27 Weeks, 6 Days (1.5 hours till 28 weeks)

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Home sick with a bad cold...still...bleh.  Feeling like a can't breathe right between the stuffy nose and my bras getting too tight again. 

 - Lots of heart burn/reflux, and definitely feeling tired pretty easily these days.  

 - Excited to meet my little girl in 12 weeks.  I can't believe we're so close.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Tired...he started a new job here in Boston, and he's traveling each week and working long, long hours.  We started using Facetime to a couple of nights a week to make sure we're talking more, and so the baby can hear his voice.

Total weight gain? 

- approx. 20 lbs...give or take a little weight loss since being sick.

Symptoms? 

- Sleeplessness, mainly from hourly trips to the bathroom and occasionally from sharp kicks to my organs

- Constantly hungry, though this has lessened since being sick

- Tired easily and often

- Did I mention I have heartburn, like all the time

The Belly? 

- Quite big already.  I met a girl the other day who is four weeks ahead of me, and I swear my bump is about the same size or bigger.  

 - My belly also occasionally dances on its own. Some of the kicks are so strong these days that my whole belly bounces around or waves.  It is great fun to watch.

Sleep? 

- See above

What I miss? 

- Exercise, really not getting much these days...and I haven't even been able to return to the new yoga class I joined since I got sick
- My husband, though that isn't pregnancy related
- My shoes and rings...I've been wearing my wedding ring around my neck for a while though, and I just gave up on any other rings (including my beautiful engagement ring).  Also, my feet are a half size larger than they used to be and I can only wear the one new pair of sneakers I bought.  Everything else is in storage.


What I'm looking forward to?
 - Setting up all the baby stuff we've received so far.  I promised myself I would wait another month at least.
 - Seeing my girl for the first time and showering her in kisses.